New to BPD

Hello all,

I am new to this forum as well as the topic of BPD. For roughly 20 years now I have been struggling with depression, mood swings, anger, self destructive behavior, unhealthy relationships, self medication... You name it. I've been to countless doctors who have said that I was depressed. It wasn't until I got married (which was my first real relationship) that I started to explore why I was just never consistany happy. I have always had a tendency to isolate myself and just chalked that up to being shy. But the anxiety and turmoil I feel in uncomfortable situations it pure hell. About four years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar. I even had ECT treatments. My behavior ultimately led to the failure of my marriage which was devistating to me. It would be devistating to anyone but my observations of how people dealt with this and what I was experiencing was quite different. For the past year my thoughts were consumed with the past and my ex wife. Consumed to the point where I was having panic attacks, could not stop my brain from ruminating and even dreamed about it. I still felt something wasn't right.

I decided to switch doctors. I asked if it was possible that I might have BPD considering the symptoms are similar with bipolar. I've taken a personality assessment and will receive the results Wednesday, but the doctor and I feel it will show that I have BPD.

In the research that I have done, a lot of information out there demonizes people who SUFFER from BPD. I don't understand this. A lot of the negative things I read are simply not true in my case. I'm not cold, in fact I'm quite the opposite. I just do not know how to express it. I'm not violent. I'm not angry with others just with myself. I'm not abusive, but my behaviors can be self abusive. I am not intentionally like this I just don't know how to be otherwise.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Welcome to the forum Lester. Your story in the first few sentences sound much like me. Doctors are always so quick to give a diagnosis of depression and prescribe a quick fix of an antidepressant.

Sorry to read about the demise of your marriage. My thoughts consume me as well at times so I can relate to how you must feel. Being unable to let go. And I truly mean unable. Not because of not having the desire to do so.

Don't take to heart much of what you read about BPD. I think much of what is posted comes from people who have been hurt. Something I do not believe we do intentionally. It makes no sense to me that people would believe we want to hurt them when we ourselves hurt so much. I think often it is just that people don't understand. Therefore it is easier to make us out to be villains when in actuality there is very much an innocence to us.

I think of the Borderline as someone who holds both Heaven and Hell. I suppose that would put Earth in the middle. I don't stay there much. Work in progress.

You will find support and good people here. You ever need an ear feel free to pm. Take care.