Am I borderline?

Dear all. I am posting this topic because I badly need some feedback, opinions, perhaps even help in the form of advice. After decades of denial, I have finally found the strength to face the fact that despite all my efforts, a considerable set of talents and a decent IQ, my life is more or less a disaster.

I am practically dysfunctional and very likely fast approaching an ugly ending.

I have been trying to get help but without any real result. Without a doubt I am getting close to the end of the line so I’m trying to reach out, whichever way I can. So please, bear with me.

First and foremost, I am not a particularly weak person. I am fairly disciplined too and until very recently I have always managed to bounce back from each and every disaster that has happened in my life. I have had some major professional and personal highs as well; real achievements I can be proud of, however, there is nothing left of any of them. As a rule of thumb, nothing ever lasts for me any longer than a few months or a couple of years at best. Everything always ends in drama; bridges burnt, losing face, feeling destroyed and pain - always excruciating emotional pain – feeling that it is the end of the world. No exception.

For some obscure and disturbing reason, I simply cannot stick to anything or anyone. I cannot see things trough, maintain a job, a career path, a degree course, a relationship; basically, because I cannot stick to myself. In fact, it appears that I do not have a self at all.

As far as I can remember - back to a very early age - I have always lived with a constantly present, torturous emptiness, fear, doubt and a sort of overwhelming emotional hunger to become complete somehow. Every choice I have ever made was fuelled by this almost hysterical need to become someone I can recognise as me. I was a sucker for various role models and odd as it sounds, I still am. The pattern has always been the same since as far back as I can possibly remember – finding something or someone (interest, role, job, relationship, study path etc.) getting hugely enthusiastic about it, feeling that “this is it” this will be perfect, this is what I really want etc., putting an insane amount of energy into it, grabbing it and clinging to it desperately. Then, sometimes as soon as the same day or within an hour I am awash with panic and strong aversion to the very thing I was raving about just that morning and I feel I MUST get out of it.

When I was younger I did manage to hold onto commitments for months, even for years. Also, I should say that when I find the next “big thing”, the magic does last for a while – or at least it used to - and that is always a wonderful time when I myself appear to be a wonderful person.
However the cracks always start to appear rather soon.

Despite feeling downright claustrophobic about whatever I was involved in, more often than not I used to force myself to push on – well, that’s what “good” people do I understood. I just wanted to be normal. Without an exception, whenever I forced myself to stick with something despite my whole being screaming “no, get out of it!”, some kind of a personal hell opened.

I started to have uncontrollable, recurring thought patterns that sounded as if someone was talking to me in my head, unstoppably, 24/7. I didn’t recognise people I knew (friends, colleagues, family members), I didn’t understand people talking to me – it all sounded like gibberish and somewhat muffled too, as if I was under an invisible glass-bell. I had serious episodes of vertigo to the point where I couldn’t walk, very severe perception of an evil presence, occasional auditory hallucinations, regular nightmares on a massive scale and a frequent feeling that nothing was real at all. I think the scariest bit was the physical sensation of falling combined with being convinced that I am in the grasp of the devil and very worst of it was the overwhelming guilt, shame and simply unbearable, excruciating pain.

I know it sounds terribly irrational. When I’m not in the middle of it I can see that myself. However, when it is happening everything gets so jumbled up and I’m just bound to lose it all, needless to say. This pattern has always forced me out of everything in the most embarrassing ways and most of my previous bosses and colleagues see me as unstable, socially inept, unfit for the job and the worst “team player” ever. They conveniently forget my work ethics, that fact that I have always slogged my guts out – they only remember the conflicts and controversies I caused.

Try to get references with such a background...

I used to think that my tragedies were down to me not being good enough, not trying hard enough (despite the fact that more often than not I insanely overstretched myself) and every time an episode was over and I found myself on the ground, morally annihilated, I swore to myself that I would do better next time. Yet, despite my efforts, my determination, nothing has ever changed – this pattern has been repeating itself for decades now.

So I am a quitter. A professional procrastinator too – this has been my unconscious strategy to postpone the inevitable choice between quitting or pushing through and risking the onset of insanity. A damn grim choice if you ask me.

As I get older I seem to be losing the ability to bounce back, “swear that I will do better next time” and I am terribly worried. In the last three years I have gradually withdrawn from society and practically lost all my social contacts. I am dying to be loved, to belong to someone and I am convinced that I do have a lot to offer. Yet I can’t even tolerate spending a few hours in public – I get so furious about noises, the way people speak – sometimes the mere sight of someone licking their lips is enough to send me into a rage to the point that I have to leave because I feel I am going to lose it and hurt someone.

I am so exhausted by my mood swings. From the moment I wake up, it tends to be a roller coaster of extreme heights of enthusiasm, confidence and happiness, sometimes feeling awash with love, then, total despair, raging fury, disgust, guilt, self hatred and an overwhelming urge to end it all. These changes can happen within minutes and they just completely rip me apart, prevent me to hold onto a thought, an intention, let alone any kind of a long term project. It has always been like this and I just can’t take it anymore.

I am quick to add, I’m not one for suicide but that doesn’t make the urge go away.
Lately, things have changed, slightly. I think I finally realized that things will never get better; I will never become the person I should be. Over the course of last year I have lost most of my motivation to live. More often than not I don’t even get out of bed. Needless to say, I am in the middle of a financial disaster and my life is simply not sustainable any more.

I think I am starting to realize that some grim end is inevitable. That all “life” has been trying to “tell” me is that I am helpless and no matter what I do not deserve to live and be happy. My ways of “self-medication” and practices to make the day bearable don’t help either – they clearly are a major health hazard.

I have been trying to get help. All I got was being put on half-year-long waiting lists – and that is just for an initial consultation; I am told to expect a further nine months until I can possibly receive any form of counselling.

Over the last two years I visited various GPs but they all seem to suggest that I have anxiety disorder.

Of course I have. I am petrified of dissolving, ceasing to exist, being abandoned, descending to hell – and I am petrified that one day I get so angry that I won’t be able to control myself and do something to others and/or myself that cannot be undone.

Yet I am convinced that this is just the surface. Why can’t doctors see that?

All my life, I really thought that I was just bad, simple as that, I deserve a disastrous and hopeless life and I have always been indescribably furious about having no chance to ever become contented, calm and happy.

However, my view has changed lately. I have grown convinced that I am actually sick – I have always been, most probably. It appears to me that the closest description of what I have been experiencing is that of the borderline personality disorder.

I am not medically trained and I guess most of you aren’t either so I am only looking for feedback and opinions. Is it possible that I might be borderline? If not, what on earth can this be?
I would appreciate any input – very seriously, I feel I must reach out. It is now or never.

Regards,

ashpile

ashpile wrote:I am not medically trained and I guess most of you aren’t either so I am only looking for feedback and opinions.

Hi, ashpile,
I am one of those here who arn't medically trained either.
Here is my feedback and opinions -

ashpile wrote:Is it possible that I might be borderline?

It IS possible that you MIGHT be borderline...

ashpile wrote:If not, what on earth can this be?

- Bipolar...

ashpile wrote:I am so exhausted by my mood swings. From the moment I wake up, it tends to be a roller coaster of extreme heights of enthusiasm, confidence and happiness, sometimes feeling awash with love, then, total despair, raging fury, disgust, guilt, self hatred and an overwhelming urge to end it all.

Not many borderlines report extreme heights of enthusiasm, confidence and happiness...
- Bipolars do.

ashpile wrote:These changes can happen within minutes and they just completely rip me apart,

- Rapid-Cycling Bipolar...

I have some links to what I consider high quality info on this ("this" being Borderline vs Bipolar and Bipolar/Borderline co-morbidity). I'll post them later. For now... no antidepressants... not a single pill...

Could you help me out with links...?
Please...!

I am sorry, I kept you waiting. I will post the links, I did not forget, I have been away from my computer (where the info is). I will re-connect with it in a couple of days. Hang in there . If you want to Google stuff - try to find something on the topic (Rapid-Cycling Bipolar II vs BPD and Rapid-Cycling Bipolar II/ BPD co-morbidity) by Hagop Akiskal (University of California, San Diego). I'll talk to you soon.

Sorry for the delay, ashpile.
Here is some basic info on Bipolar Disorder (including Bipolar II - a pattern of depressive/hypomanic (but no full-blown manic or mixed) episodes; Cyclothymic Disorder, or Cyclothymia - mild form of bipolar disorder (hypomania shifting back and forth with mild depression); and rapid-cycling bipolar disorder.)
http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/g ... r-disorder
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publicat ... tion.shtml
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Sectio ... ntID=23037
the materials published on the websites above are peer-reviewed...

GPs thinking "oh - Anxiety!" or "oh - Depression!" react by prescribing AntiDepressants and Anti-Anxiety medications (they maybe good for you if you suffer from anxiety and/or depression, useless... if you suffer from so called personality disorders, and may turn out to be outward dangerous... if you happened to suffer from bipolar spectrum disorders) -
many well informed sources warn about co-morbidity between bipolar and borderline patients, which in females... appears to be in the 75- 85% range - you can do the math (calculated risk is... high...)

Google
"Demystifying Borderline Personality: The Cyclothymic-Bipolar II Connection"

You will find a good (although very clinical) article by Dr. H. Akiskal.
For years, Dr. Akiskal… (one of the leading specialists in Bipolar spectrum disorders), has been saying that Borderline Personality Disorder (in many cases) is so treatment (psychotherapy) resistant… because… underlying mood (affective) disorder (Bipolar II, Cyclothymia) is not properly treated (psycho-pharmacologically).

By the way, Bipolar… reminds me… - thyroid function needs to be checked.

It is all convoluted and complex…

GP… does not know enough to even start approaching effective treatment…
In a good situation GP you come to see knows that he/she does not know… and is not qualified…,
but if he/she does not… patients may find themselves even sicker than they were before…

Under the link bellow is a post ( TRIGGERING !!! Very triggering ) with one of the best articles on nature of Borderline Personality Disorder I have ever read. ( not to blow my own horn, but... I sure have been doing a great job reading on the subject )

The title of the article is:
“PTSD + Bipolar Usually = Borderline
The Borderline Version of PTSD in the Mixed Manic or Mixed Depressive Western Female”
( TRIGGERING !!! Very triggering )

To read or not to read… the whole thing… I do not know… you have to decide for yourself…
If you have decided not to read the whole thing... go to the
“Oh, my Gawd. I think I might be one of these! What do I do?” (about half page down)...
Starting from there the article becomes all about what to do.
http://sighkoblahgrr.blogspot.com/2008/ ... rline.html

If you have questions, please, feel free to ask.

Get well soon.

I have yet to read the links.

Just wanted to say thank you. I am in the middle of a crisis - a deadly quite and assured one which petrifies me.
So it meant a lot to read your post.
It means a lot that people actually care.

All the very best to you,

ashpile