Everyone lying.. I don't have BDD

Hello everyone,

Quick summary here. I am a 26 year old man. I have had a very rough past 6 months. I suffer from OCD and Bipolar II. I was hospitalized for suicidal ideations after spending months in bed obsessing over the shape of my head. I am losing my hair and have been buzzing my hair short in the summers. This has been going on for 3 years. In January, I couldn't take the look of my wimpy hair anymore and took it all off. I was photoshopping myself, taking photos, videos, starring at mirrors, assurance seeking everyone and everything, assurance seeking over the internet. I lost a lot of friends. I dropped out of school for the semester. I spent the last 6 weeks in a transitional day program at the hospital. It helped with depression but it could not help my obsession.

No matter how many times I fight with friends and family they insist that I do not have a deformed head. They insist my head is not a conehead and that it is normal. I cannot understand why they are lying to me. I don't want to live looking this way. Being bald is bad enough and people make jokes. But to be a conehead is pure torture. I don't know what I did to deserve this.

I had 2 assessments with a BDD expert and she is taking me on as a patient next week. I am 1000% convinced that my perception is not flawed and that I see things accurately. What is the point of doing this treatment? Is it to make me feel okay and accept myself this way? Is it to make me delusional? If that is the case then they should just stop lying and tell me to accept myself from the start. I'm sorry for sounding frustrated I just needed a place to vent and get some advice.

It has been a very rough year.

Hi, welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry your having a hard time at the moment.

I think you should stick with the therapy, try it out and see how it goes.

You are very welcome to come here and vent and we will try to give you advice if we can.

Katrina.

Thanks Kat! Is it normal to argue with everyone? Has anyone experienced this at all?
What's the point of treatment if it's the truth? To make me feel less bothered by it? If that's the case I rather not be made delusional. You know?

No problem

I'm don't think everyone with BDD argues with people, but I'd say it's normal! I get extremely angry sometimes and I lose control, Im not sure if it's to do with BDD or if it's another problem I have! Regardless it's a difficult thing we are going through and I supposes being upset, frustrated, argumentative or angry is a relatively normal reaction to have.

But what if it's not the truth? I'm not saying you are wrong at all, but what if you are? And if that's the case this could really help you. And don't you want to be happy? If this makes you happy and less concerned about it, wouldn't that be worth it? To be able to a live a normal happy life and not have to bother about it. I would give anything to have that!! I understand that you don't want to be made delusional, but what if if it's not about being made delusional but about becoming accepting of it?

You should stick with therapy.

Actually, BDD is a delucional disorder,so you think that your head is bad shaped.By addressing BDD, you adress your symptoms.

It's not like that when you got into this disorder you saw the truth,that your head is bad shaped.The truth is that when you got into this disorder,you see a illusion,a deformed yourself.It's what BDD does.So therapy doesn't make you feel delucional and see yourself as handsome,it addresses the symptoms and makes you get out of this illusion.

I am really sorry that you are having such an awful time. It sounds like pure hell. Medication has been my answer for everything. It works very well except for helping me with my BDD. That is the one thing that they cannot seem to fix. I can't see beyond myself and my ugliness to be able to do anything very meaningful with my life. If I could leave my house there would be all kinds of things I would be doing. Why couldn't I look "normal". I sit back and look at everyone on television and when I am out going to the doctor etc. Everyone is normal. No one is staring at them or paying any attention, but when they look at me they do a double take, point at me, whisper about me, make fun of me, laugh at me, etc. I am really afraid of my hatred for humanity because of what has been done to me. I get so angry I could pop someone's head off. I jumped up on the counter at Burger King because this chick was talking a lot of $#%^. I just snapped. I was trying to jump over the counter to get to her, but her friend got in front of her and there were people pulling me back on the other side. I would have hurt that chick. I get so enraged because of the ridicule I have been through and I get scared that I am going to snap and there will be no turning back. That scares me a lot. I am full of nothing but hatred for society because of what society has done to me. I become enraged over the slightest thing. I can't figure out why I care so much what people think about the way I look. I can't stand people. Why do I care? I don't give a $#%^ what anyone thinks of me as a person. I only care about what they think about the way I look. I fear their minds/their ridicule. I do not want to wind up being humiliated out in public in front of a bunch of people. That is my biggest fear. I live my life inside so no one can see me and I don't have to be reminded about how ugly I am. I wish so bad that I could get over this but I can't. I wish there was something that I could tell you to help you out but there is nothing. If you are able to really look at yourself the way other people would and you see something about yourself as being deformed it very well might be. I know that I am deformed. If I weren't deformed like my shrinks would like me to believe then I would not have been made fun of my whole life. This disorder has ruined my life. It lead me to 15 years of chronic alcoholism and drug use. When I got in trouble with the law too many times to count and the judge ordered me to take antibuse for three years three times per week, I thought I was going to die. When I drank I could handle the way I looked. That was the only time I felt normal. I have been sober now for 10 years, but I miss having something there to take my mind off of my ugliness. My problem is that my nose is big and strange looking and my chin is real long and pointy. I have been called the wicked witch of the west all of my life. I am so embarrassed about the way I look that it suffocates me. I know what you are going through. If nothing else, at least I can say that much. You are NOT alone. I am so glad that I found this group so that I can get some of this off of my chest and to read about other people's experiences with BDD. All I can say is try to keep your head up. Try to find something good about yourself and attempt to focus on that. I know, I'm one to talk. It doesn't work for me. I have tried everything and nothing works, but you are not alone and I wanted you to know that. Take care of yourself the best that you can. I am sure you have a lot of good in you the same as I do, but because of our looks who is going to know it? When will we be free of these chains?