i want to rant!


if only i know how...

i'm dizzy and feeling weak
nothing is ok
and everything is fine

it's just a normal life

NOTE :
There's a moment of my BPD when i have the kind of conversation bellow with my only friend-in-REAL-life.
i kinda like this and would like to write it down.
Nothing romantic between me and my friend.
I'm just simply possessive towards him because he's the only friend i have in my real live and he knows i'm BPD.
I myself feel a bit proud that i can control my IRRITATING POSSESSIVE PART towards my friend
Though, it's not good that i confused him with my BPD feeling

Him :
Do you think it'll be ok if i have a girlfriend? there's a cute girl trying to flirt with me in church and if i take her i'm sure she'll definitely accept me in instant.
However, i'm scared that her family will reject me b/c i have nothing to offer her.

Me :
Do you like her?
If you do, then no need to rush. Take it slow, try to talk to her, show some attentions.
Or...you might just run like being chased by ghost the way i did
and she might will hurt you more than you ever experienced.
But hey, we can't prevent anyone from hurting us.
If it's not her hurting you, some other girl will do it to you. it's a devil circle.

Him :
What about her families? what can i offer her?
I'm scared.

Me :
Man, we're bound to be afraid
Promise her what you are and not what you will be or have.
If she's the one for you, she'll accept it.
If she doesn't accept it, she'll PRETEND to accept it until she DITCH you once she find appropriate reasons and time.
*by the way, welcome to my life

Him :
You used to be very POSSESSIVE about me.
Are you sure you're not going to get mad at me?

Me :
Mad for what?
Of course i'll be extremely jealous and i'll feel like i want to blow her head off or get her electrocuted because she STOLE you and your TIME from me, indeed.
Or perhaps i'll run her with a car...no, a truck will be more fitting!
But i'm not entitled to be selfish as you always said to me....though i'd rather to have you die miserably than seeing you with a girl.
However, live goes on and my therapist will say that i'll have to accept that because it's just how world works

Him :
You're confusing me...
Just now you said i should try and then you said i should not....??

Me :
Hey, i'm the one with BPD here...remember?
It's my nature to do that

Him :
Are you sure you will be fine?

Me :
Absolutely!!!
I might just want to chop her into pieces n burn you before i throw myself over the window from 20th floor building...but that's just another case

Him :
AAARRRRRHHHHGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!
You're confusing me!!!!!!!!
*runs away from me in a flash n get drunk in some bar.

Me :
*sleeping like a baby and smiling on my sleep because i'm having a sweet dream with my online-love.

The girl finally gets the highest score in her class!!
Mom and Dad said she may ask anything she wants if she succeeded and she worked extra hard to get the score.
She run in rush towards home after the bell school rang just to find that Mom is not home at the moment because she’s having a charity program for the less fortunate people, in another part of the city.
She tries to call Dad but his secretary said that Dad is currently busy because important clients are coming from overseas.
Brother is not yet coming home from his band sessions with his friends, just like usual.
The house feels empty and cold and Nanny went out of town two days ago, to look after her sick daughter, until God knows when.
There’s nothing the girl can do and no one she can talk to, as she stares at her score paper.

She feels better when she thinks about the Barbie she always wanted.
She will have it eventually and she will have it soon enough, now that she gets the highest score.
She erases her disappointments and fixes herself a meal with her tinny hands.
She’s only 7 years but she knows how to use stove and kitchen appliance, as matter of fact she’s good at it.
Nanny used to teach her to cook simple meal.
Now while Nanny is away, she must cook her own meal and she doesn’t mind about it.
“I’m the master of this kitchen now”, she thinks.

Hours go by and she keeps on waiting in patience… and waiting….and waiting…and waiting…until she falls asleep.
The big clock ding-dong awakes her. It’s already 18.00h.
She looks around to see if anyone already home but she doesn’t find anyone.
Upset and tired, she does her regular routines: takes a bath, plays with her cats, closes the windows, and turns the lights on.

Suddenly, she hears car doors being open and close. The Family is finally home. Even better, Grandma, Grandpa, and auntie also come along!
The girl grabs her score and rushes to the main door. She can’t wait until they get inside the house to show them her score.
Mom and Dad look excited knowing her success and Brother seems to be proud, so she tells them that she wants a Barbie as her award.

Mom and Dad’s faces change in instant. They said they don’t want Barbie in the house because they don’t like Barbie. The girl can’t understand why she can’t have it and claim for their promise. Parents insist that the girl can have everything but Barbie. She tries to protest but Mom and Dad’s words are absolute and no one stands for her.
Furthermore, Mom and Dad insists to go to toy store that exact night, because they said that they don’t have any spare time left this week and they don’t allow her to go to store without them.

The girl hesitantly goes to toy store. In the place, mom and dad reminds the girl that she can pick any toys, no matter how expensive it is, BUT NO BARBIE!
She hardly even picks anything before dad grabs a cotton-wool doll and gives it to the girl. He said the store will be closed within minutes and they must come home as soon as possible.

The girl cries in silence all the way home...and all members of the family wonder why she’s crying while she hold a pretty doll in her hands.

I can't believe i was actually attending football match in a real stadium with thousands of people in it without me screaming and crying and running in panic!!!

Gosh, it was extremely emotionally exhausting!!!

I took my comfort jacket and it help a lil bit.
I brought a bag full of snacks and chocolates...so i binge eating. It helps a bit too.

i think i had push myself too far.
i'm dizzy and exhausted today...a day after the match...

and Indonesia won 3-1 against Thailand...YAIY!!!