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Truth Be Told...
This is a place where I will be posting some of my writing. Writing about my experiences is easier than journaling. Journaling makes me feel like I'm whining and I feel a little guilty about it. Writing from it allows me to distances myself and doesn't feel so bad...

Anyway...enjoy!
xoPinkerbelleox
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On suicide.
   Sat Nov 09, 2013 7:51 am

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On suicide.

Permanent Linkby xoPinkerbelleox on Sat Nov 09, 2013 7:51 am

There was a point in my life when suicide seemed like the best solution to my problems. I was wandering around looking for a method of self destruction. And I found it. Them. Many ways to self destruct. I can’t answer why. But every breathe I took was just excruciating, and I needed it all to end as soon as possible. And I tried. More than once. But I just couldn’t. Then, one day I woke up and I wasn’t happy, but I knew that I wanted to live. I figured that if through all my efforts, I’m still breathing then there must be a reason. I chose to live, and in that moment I knew that I could do anything I wanted with my life. Sure, I’m still dealing with some of the consequences of past mistakes. I made some big ones. I didn’t care about my future, because I didn’t intend to have one. I’m not sure I believe in God or what God I believe in, but I do believe in fate and destiny. And I do believe that for every life that ends too soon there are millions of things that just aren’t going to happen. Whole people who will never exist because you weren’t around to create them.

I see a lot of you guys and girls writing out into cyberspace, saying how alone you feel. How you just what to end it and get it over with. And I beg you not to. I have lost too many of my dear friends to suicide, and let me tell you as a person left behind, it hurts. I understand what you’re going through. I understand the pain and the isolation you feel. If you think you’re the only one going through what you are going through, you’re wrong. The fear, the anxiety, the depression? I feel that. Every. Single. Day. Some nights I can’t sleep I’m so miserable, or I’m in such a crazy manic state. Sometimes it’s wave after wave of panic attacks. A good 80% of the time I’m a nervous wreck. There are so many people out there who feel the way you do. Suffering is part of the human condition. But if we never feel pain, how can we heal into a better person?

I’ll be honest. Some days are still hard. Sometimes I feel like…everyone would be better off without me. I think it’ll always be there in the back of my mind. But as I become a stronger person, that voice gets further and further away. When people tell me I’m worthless, I shake them off. I say, screw you, I’m fabulous.

Suicide is not the answer.
Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
Choose life

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Therapy Reluctance

Permanent Linkby xoPinkerbelleox on Mon Oct 14, 2013 12:26 am

So...things have gotten so bad for me lately that I can barely focus on the important things. Even my mother has noticed a lot of vast changes in my demeanor and personality. My moods have been so extreme and I've been getting migraines. My mother came and sat me down and asked if I was using again because she wanted to know what's going on with me. I've been getting antidepressants, adderall, and sleep meds from friends to help me deal with things a bit more smoothly, but I didn't tell her about it. She asked me if I thought I needed to go back to counseling and back on meds I had in high school. I told her I didn't need it and that I don't want to go...but the thing is I think I'm in desperate need of help right now. I feel like I'm drowning in my own depression. I feel so lost and so hollow. I feel abandoned more than anything. My fear is judgment, mainly. And the way I behave in therapy. As soon as my mood changes I stop going and then suddenly things are awful again and I'm feeling empty again. I fear that they won't be able to help me.

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Hey Guys...

Permanent Linkby xoPinkerbelleox on Fri Sep 27, 2013 7:36 am

Just in case anyway gives a damn, I'm fine. Just super busy with the semester as well as a lot of personal drama (stress, my own (lack of) mental health, catching up on Breaking Bad, etc.). I've just been a little withdrawn and depressed lately. Too much going on for my comfort. I don't feel like I'm currently in the right mental state to offer myself sound advice, let alone anyone else.

I suppose the individuals who WOULD care know how to reach me in other ways.

Anyways. I'm around.

Take care,
Belle

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Once Upon A Time...

Permanent Linkby xoPinkerbelleox on Sat Aug 31, 2013 1:35 am

There were sad broken girls. Their nights were spent sat on awindowsill, lungs full of smoke, baying at the moon. They stole their energyfrom the atmosphere. They had this mad idea that they could survive on air andsunshine, and someday they would just become one with it as some sort ofethereal plants. Night flowers. Their eyes were full of sadness and sky.Theywondered what it we be like to weightlessly float up to the sheet of bejeweledvelvet they so often stared at. They imbibe fairy dust that makes them laughand dance under the moon in manic fits. Girls like that have such strangethings running through their fragile bird skulls. Girls like that slicethemselves open, making perforations in their flesh. Girls like that let all ofthe blood out, replacing it with speed and adrenaline. Girls like that eatsilently in the dark so that no one can see that they are human.These are thesort of girls that long for darkness so that they may slip out of their skins,skeletons exposed. They consider themselves artists. While the rest ofthe world sleeps, they are sculpting perfection.

Some nights, and even some days, the girls sleep a deep sleep. Sleepbrought on by little chalk white pills, or sometimes they've just forgotten tosleep for so long that their bodies force them into hibernation. When they dream,they dream of the day they would fall into the arms of princes, back fromfighting a noble war in a far off land. They dream of great feasts on everyforbidden passion. Some nights they dream of the things that broke them. Somenights their dreams are so real that it scares them awake, and then they goback to the windowsill, remembering why they don't sleep in the first place.Some nights they creep out into the world, before their presence is can begiven away by the sun, and take long walks that whittle away at their existencehoping that when they return there will be a little less of them in the world.

*sorry if the format is a little weird...I submitted it from my phone...* :D

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