It's pretty well-accepted that the festive period is often tough for people, be that depression caused by the pressure put on both socially and financially, or sometimes mania induced by the generally positive feeling around. I've had both this festive period but honestly, I wish I was manic right now.

My girlfriend (quite rightly) has gone out for drinks with her friends to bring in the new year. I wish I could feel able to go and spend the new year with her and have a good time, but the thought of the people there just puts me right off. I would honestly just rather stay in bed and whilst I'm happy people are having a good time, scrolling through my social media feeds just feels like one big slap in the face to those of us who aren't feeling so great. I just feel hopelessly negative about everything at the moment. Bah. Call me Scrooge, call me what you like, but I just really wanted a better end to 2012/ beginning to 2013 than this.

So since I'm new here, I reckon I ought to write a blog post introducing myself.

My name is Charlotte, I'm nineteen years old from Manchester, England. I'm a university student and poet - I happen to run a magazine publishing writing and artwork by young people, called Astronaut zine, so if you're interested, pop down a comment and I'll give you some info. I'm studying (unsurprisingly) Creative Writing.

I'm diagnosed as Bipolar Type II with Rapid Cycling (suspected type I as I've been having manic episodes) and currently unmedicated whilst I'm in a stable environment (home). When I get back, mood stabilisers are being discussed (Valproate and Lamotrigine, so if anyone has any experiences with either of these, do get in touch). The past three months have been a bit crazy. In the past two weeks I've found myself sat on my fourth floor roof crushing paracetamol after paracetamol into a glass of vodka and believing my blood has blessed properties respectively. Nothing's particularly easy to understand right now, but I'm trying my hardest to get by without ######6 things up.

It's 3:37am on Christmas morning where I am and I'm a little on the manic side. I couldn't lie next to my sleeping girlfriend feeling as agitated as I did, so now I'm downstairs. I feel like screaming, I feel that full of energy that needs to be out. Nothing is moving fast enough, but I want to hurt myself too. I'm not sure where I'm at right now, but I need to make sure I don't ###$ things up.

I won't ###$ things up.

My name's Charlotte, and if this goes on, I think I might ###$ things up.