I'm intense.

I've been pretty stable the past few days. Today she told me something that should actually trigger me and it did, but I was able to control myself. She's met a person there that she likes and who she's talking to most of the time. My fear of abandonment should kill me right now, but it doesn't for some reason. Moment of clarity? I don't know.

I learned something. It's good that she has a person there that she likes and who she can talk to. It will help with her moods and she'll feel comfortable there. As a consequence of that our communication will improve and things will get better overall.

If she really cares about me and if she really loves me, I'll still be her priority. I shouldn't try to force anything. I shouldn't try to forcefully make her „prefer“ me. It should happen automatically if she thinks I am the right person for her and if she values me. It's some sort of test.

If she starts neglecting me or prefers that person over me, then that's fine. It's okay. Because it's just a sign that you're probably not the right person for her. And when you're not the right person for her then she's not the right person for you and you should move on and find somebody that will love and appreciate you just for the way you are. Don't try to pretend to be someone else and don't try to act differently just out of fear that she might lose interest. If you have to do that to be attractive or interesting to a person, then that person doesn't deserve you.

Will she abandon me or will that person replace me? I don't think so, nor should I be afraid of this happening. I can't do anything about it anyways.

I've been thinking about this alot. She's been going through a tough time and when it got really hard I couldn't be there for her. At times I made it worse.

Should I feel guilty about that? That I wasn't able to be a good "friend"? That other people probably did a better job at it? I thought about this alot and came to the conclusion: No, I shouldn't.

I am a human being. I have character flaws. Some of them are pretty severe. In the past few months I strived to be perfect and a lot of times I had the impression that I was. But I shouldn't hold on to that belief or ambition, it's just not healthy.

I thought it was easy to be there for her even in the worst times. I promised her that a million times. But it's not, it really isn't. When people are suffering, their behavior is inappropriate at times. You have to give the person alot of love without getting much love back. And that's hard and exhausting. People might not always appreciate your help, they might not always appreciate your presence. Sometimes they want to be alone and sometimes everything you say makes them feel worse even though you had the right intention. You have to take a lot of sh*t from them. But they'll be thankful for it. And they probably are already, but they're not expressing it.

It's important that I shouldn't try to understand everything all the time. Sometimes you just can't. Especially human behavior..

So no, I shouldn't feel guilty. What's important is that I tried as hard as I could. I failed at times, but that's human. I can only learn from this and be a better person in the future.

Do it..Please

Listening to music..its my escape, my only consistent passion. My dream would be to earn a living by producing music..That'd be neat.

But I would switch genres..all the time. I wouldn't be able to commit to one genre for a long period of time. Well isn't that my life's story? Lack of consistency. Fluctuating interests, fluctuating moods, fluctuating self-esteem/sense of self. Nothing is consistent except my interest in music. The only problem is: The desire in producing it isn't there. At least not consistently. And when its there I am not quite sure what I want to produce and as soon as I start to get some sort of an idea, it all collapses and I completely abandon my plans and ambitions and move on to something else.

Jack of all trades, master of none. "Well, but you have some knowledge in a lot of different areas which makes you a very interesting person". In my opinion it makes me person who has some serious issues with his identity and sense of self. Problems that will have a huge impact on his future and the question whether or not he'll achieve anything...

So that's what's been going through my mind lately. Not gonna give an update on my relationship as I'm kinda sick of talking about it for now..