over the last few months I've been really unsure and scared about myself. I don't know if i fancy guys or girls.

When I was younger I remember being fascinated at the time with my barbie dolls and would kiss them i used to pretened to be the man. my first kiss was a girl because we saw it on TV. It was weird but I didn't mind. when i kissed her i thought about this boy in school.

During high school I was into a lot of boys and thought a lot about them. I watched both gay and straight porn growing up and they both turned me on. Apparently something's I said whilst growing up where apparently gay and even my mum thought I was gay but I don't know. however in the last year or so ive been watching a lot of lesbian Gifs on tumblr and reading yuri because i thought normal porn was kind of cheap looking and i was getting bored of yaoi as they wouldn't show the dicks. i started trying masturbation and i couldn't afford at the time to buy toys. i was also worried about my family seeing them. i Tried fingering and rubbing myself but it just hurt, so i started grinding on a pillow and it worked.

however recently its gotten worse. I went on the pill as i was in a really good relationship with a guy. then all of a sudden i got all these thoughts that i was gay. All the time it was "you don't love him because you're gay" it was like that all the time and i would cry a lot. I had sex with him and it did feel great, he gave me butterflies and i never got that from women. however i couldnt get and orgasm from him and it made me so scared that i couldnt. it got to the point where i was having a lot of wet dreams about girls and i would wake up hot and flustered.

i tried to figure myself out by thinking if that girl or guy was hot and i felt nothing at all. i watch both straight porn and lesbian porn, i felt myself my cheeks go red when watching lesbian porn butafter i while nothing until i felt this puls in my clit. i was getting worried so i went onto striaght porn and nothing happened.

not only that but i was very lonley as a kid and just wanted someone to pay attention to me and i wanted mates. i would fanisise all these guys would fall for me and read fanfics of them. but one time i thought i might try thing of what it was like to be kissed by a girl. it was all normal and cute and all but i couldnt see anything past that untill this anxiety hit me a few months back.

ive become very unhappy and suicidal and i cant seem to get my head round it all. i feel like as a kid i was living a lie in liking guys. I know being gay is perfectly normal but i could never see myself with a girl.
ive recently broken up with my boyfriend but we are still friends which im glad of.

can someone please explained to me whats happening

i hope this all makes sense and you can understand it