i have had success deleting all my apps and accounts. i havent looked for anonymous sex since then. i've had sex with a guy i've had sex with a couple times before and it was good... although everytime it seems i'm a little more hurt (physically).

i feel like demons are trying to get to me. today i dreamed that a demon talked to me pretending to be archangel gabriel, and it was later exorcised and its name revealed by the true archangels gabriel and michael... even when i'm fine, it always seems like there is a strong tension inside me trying to push me back to my old behavior, trying to make me reach out to anonymous, meaningless, painful sex. at the same time, if i do give in, something inside me forces me to come back to myself. this force is stronger. i think i will have to deal with this struggle for the rest of my life.

i've been having a very difficult time accepting that i might never marry a woman and have a family... i don't know what will be the purpose of my life if not that. maybe all that will be left is devoting my life to religion. is this the fundamental poverty of the faith? because sometimes i feel that in order to truly embrace my faith i will have to give up on all the things i have, or that i wish i had. i will just have to stop trying to reach for them and embrace something based on the promise of eternity.

since i last wrote i had one more relapse. after a couple times of cam sex and looking for sex online, i reinstalled the hookup app i had at much cost deleted and immediately became fixated into it. i conversated with more than 100 men in about a week or so. it seems a lot, but it's really not given that most conversations end after 3 messages or so. i had sex with a guy i knew beforehand (the only one i've ever actually felt pleasure with, even though i have no emotional attachment to him). on the next day a met a guy but we did not have full intercourse because i put us in a situation i could easily get out of if i wasn't comfortable. the two days after that i was completely hooked into scrolling through that endless grid of horny men eager to give me an awful experience. then on the third day o woke up with a sore throat - something i hadn't had since the last time i was in a serious relapse - and with a lot of pain in my thumbs, supposedly due to all the scrolling but still hurting more than it should - i've scrolled more in the past and never had any pain whatsoever. then i realized that by destroying itself my body was unconsciously attempting to stop me from going further with my self-destructive behavior. i was happy and it reminded me that something inside me is not willing to give up. i'm just finishing to block everyone now and tonight i expect to be able to delete my last hookup app account. i'll also delete my skype profile (or at least change the password into something i won't remember, if deleting it is not possible). i'm decided to put an end on all of it so i can live my life - especially since my body is giving me ever stronger signs that i won't be allowed to mantain that behavior unless i pay a very high price. i don't want to ever have sex again, i just want to be in peace...

well, it turns out, now i believe i am actually not bipolar but i do lean towards it. i'll be off my meds very soon and despite the recent misunderstanding i wrote about on my last post that whole incident made me feel much better about myself in the end, and my mental health is also much better. i did feel strongly inclined towards having anonymous sex again but i guess it has stopped working for me - at the moment at least, i guess not once and for all. i've suffered enough not to be so naive.

meanwhile, i still have no money, work too little towards getting money and need money more and more each day. i wish so much something happened that could magically grant me a lot of money

the last days have been pretty intense... i had been meeting the guy i wrote about on my last post pretty much evey week and i like everything about him. he ended up telling me some very deep childhood experiences to which even he had no access to until then, he ended up throwing up a lot and i spent the night taking care of him and it was a very intimate moment, and also pretty much the most intense situation i have ever lived. it bothered me that he treated me as if i were his therapist because that's not who i wanna be. he woke up feeling very well the next morning and we had a little sex, then after i left he invited me to come over again later on that same day... we kissed a little and lied together in bed. that was how i saw the whole thing.

on the next day i asked him if i could stop by again to give him a kiss and he told me he just wanted to be friends and that what had happened was due to his being fragile that night and his waking up horny and that's all, and also that he frequently felt uncomfortable because i kept crossing the boundaries of his personal space.

all of this has been horrible for me and i haven't spoken to him anymore. i felt like returning to having sex with strangers but haven't so far... i don't know yet if i will talk to him again. i don't know if i can coexist with him without hurting myself, plus i believe he used me in a really messed up way... perhaps he's not a man one should stick around. i don't want to be a nuisance either if he thinks i invade his personal space... well, the truth is, i'm only looking for reasons not to talk to him because i know it's a bad idea even though deep in my heart i just wish he was a different person.

many things took place since i last posted... i've had my first birthday without my grandmother and that is something huge, when i begin to remember all the years i spent with her, all those afternoons watching tv by her side and how much she loved preparing things for me to eat - sometimes i ate although i wasn't hungry, just to make her happy...

for the first time in my life, i felt true pleasure in sex... still felt bad afterwards because i had no connection with the man i was with. but i began to open my life a little more for the men i went out with. i actually had three pleasurable experiences with two different men. that somehow made me feel free from the need to have sex. now i feel that i have taken back something that belongs to me. i don't want to have casual sex ever again.

then i met a guy i'm actually interested in. for the person he is, not for his sexual persona. i did not have sex with him. at first i was really attracted to him, than i wasn't anymore, but i still liked him very much. being in love is something like this, but not quite so. for the first time in my life, i made an emotional connection with a man that did not rely on sex at all to exist... i feel a little in love, but i don't think my feelings for him are exactly romantic, also. we agreed to be friends, but everything is still very confusing for me and i have to take care not to let my sexual persona take over, because that would be the death of our relationship.

i'm thinking about starting a blog in my language about being a gay sex addict. i've met so many people displaying obvious signs of SA and they have no idea it even exists...