for the last few weeks i've been having some trouble. i've not been taking my meds correctly and i've been having a very stressful routine and my grandmother whom i love very much almost passed away and is in the hospital. i've been coughing for 2 months now and i'm pretty sure i broke a rib from coughing 4 days ago. i've not been keeping up with my prayers and my addiction has been somewhat heavy. i only had sex one more time, with the same guy from the last time, but i can't refrain from opening the hookup app and talking to guys and checking if someone messaged me ALL THE TIME. i feel an excitement when someone messages me, it goes away so quickly but it feels so thrilling. at some moments no one messages me and i become really frustrated and then i message some guys. i really want to feel like they desire me. i don't really care for actual sex right now - recently i ran out of my sertraline and my sex drive went crazy - i masturbated like 4 times in 2 days after not masturbating for more than a month. now i'm ok again. i just want to be desired and for guys to talk to me. i have already checked the app about 50 times today (more? i have no idea, but i've been doing it all the time and it's unbearable).

this week it ocurred to me that maybe my cousin regretted what he did to me, and his attempts on silencing me were more out of fear than out of evil. but i genuinely believed it for the first time. two days later i dreamed that my family had found out about his being a paedophile, but not that he molested me. i meant to find an opportunity to tell them, but i began to cry everytime i thought about it. i very seldom cry in dreams. and i very seldom dream about him. i feel like this has been a big step. however, i also believe this has something to do with my grandmother's imminent death. one of my great fears about telling my family about my abuse has always been that she will die if she finds out that her late beloved grandson is a child molester.

i don't know what's going on, but i don't like it. today i dreamed that my behaviour brought demons into my house and i was so scared.

so, yesterday i relapsed and it was definitely triggered by something that i can't discuss here. anyway, i'm in a very complicated situation and the only person who can give me concrete advice on what to do about it is my therapist but i don't how concrete is the advice she's willing to give me. i think this time she will have to be very concrete and i will be very firm about it. this time it is not only my well being that is at stake. anyway, yesterday was ok but i am somewhat paranoid about catching an std. i didn't see the man i was with naked under clear light so i might have missed some outward signs of disease and i'm a little suspicious about some things i felt. but he was very nice, we talked and watched a movie besides having sex. when i got home i realized i had some very intense penile pain (that has happened before) to the point that i could barely wash my penis. i'm afraid i'll have to get circumcised sooner or later. anyway, the sex in itself did not hurt me and it wasn't more selfdestructive than sex is by itself for me. that's why i feel i'm getting better even though i relapsed. today i didn't even open the hookup apps i use, didn't even feel like it even though i haves had an orgasm for a long time, i believe about 3 weeks (didn't have one yesterday as well). that's something, when compared to the times of hard compulsiveness when right after sex i already begin looking for more. i'm very sleepy while writing this and it strongly occurs to me how weird it is to look at who i was before the addiction and who i am now. sometimes i'm not myself, but i wonder if i was ever myself before finding out my darkness...

i just came back from my friend's place. the one friend that was in love with me and tried to kiss me by force some time ago. he had another friend over who was supposedly straight but they were drunk (not me, i'm not drinking because of the meds) and his friend proposed that we had a threesome. i felt an urge to say yes (as i always feel when it comes to sex, whatever the case), but i declined it because of my past with my friend which would obviously make things very complicated. i still though my friend's friend was attractive, so together with my usual urge i had another voice in my head telling me to try and dump my friend from the threesome and be just with his friend. of course i know this would be a horrible thing to do, not only because it would mean a personal attack to my friend but also because i know that it would make me feel awful about myself later and tbh i don't even find him that attractive. the few weeks i managed to lead a life of chastity and prayer made me so happy that all i want right now is to have that back and it wouldn't make sense to throw everything away because of so selfish a desire. i must say, however, that i partially gave in to that impulse and through my words i hinted them both what my selfish desires were. i am happy that i managed to contain my inner incubus (i can't think of an image that better suits the way i feel) and i did not give in to my sexual impulses, or right now i would be on my way to a bad, bad place. even now images of them both together without me run through my mind and make me wish i were there, although i know suffering and pain would be the inevitable results of my wishes coming true. i wonder how far would i go on making myself and others suffer if i just gave in to every sexual impulse i have. oh, lord almighty, help me love and desire that which is good for me...

i guess it's time to stop denying the evidence and accept the fact that i am depressed. i don't feel miserable like i used to, but i got everything else. sleepy, not studying, messy sleeping schedule, binge watching series, sex compulsion sex compulsion sex compulsion. the future doesn't seem to exist unless the nearest one, that pertains the satisfaction of the sensual appetites. i tried to hit rock bottom today i guess by meeting this stranger but it was so lame that i didn't even suffer. a slice of pizza would have pleased me better and if it was bad it would have made me unhappier. it was just a pathetic attempt to feel something.

i started writing this two nights ago but i fell asleep on this point. i was so frustrated that meeting that guy did not make me feel miserable. today i met that guy i've been encountering regularly for sex and this time it was different. i allowed him to use me at his will, which caused me a considerable deal of pain (nothing extreme, but i am very sensitive) in hope of finally hitting rock bottom and finding myself so miserable as to once again stay away from hookup apps for some time. he slapped my buttcheek so hard that it left an ugly bruise and i'm pretty sure he did it because i told him about the guy from 2 days ago. he wanted to brand me so i didn't meet anyone else. i did not hit rock bottom yet but i don't think i'll be seeing him again. now for the second time in 2 weeks i got a sore throat. last year and the year before i spent a lot of time with a sore throat and now i'm pretty sure it happens as a way of stopping myself from meeting men. i also have a history of "accidentally" biting my inner lips or cheeks hard and multiple times and then it leaves a wound (not sure how it's called in english) and i also have to refrain from shagging strangers. right now both things have happened. my mother is worried because of all the time i lie in bed in the dark/ sleep. i'm wasting the lessons i receive by not studying properly at home. i hate this all so much. i just wanted to live my life without this intruding compulsion. i have everything it takes to be happy.

since a couple days ago i feel like my compulsion is coming back. i hadn't had an erection in 3 weeks until yesterday, so i believe it is the physical symptom of something i had been feeling in my mind. today i had some more erections and a relatively strong sexual urge. to make it all worse, an old hookup contacted me (funny how it ALWAYS happens in these crucial moments) and it totally destabilized me.

i have not uninstalled my hookup apps. i think it is because i'm afraid that if i do that i might lose the only outlet for my urges over which i still have some control and then when i go bollocks i will just go for something much worse. the guy contacted me through the one app i use that sends notifications, but i have no idea what's going on the other app because i haven't opened it for a long time. now i feel really really tempted to open it and have sex with this guy i've had a lot of sex with before.

on the one side, i think i will ultimately regret everything, i will probably not be able to reach orgasm and will feel really bad afterwards. on the other side, i do miss some of the bodily sensations related to sex even though they are not sexual in themselves such as bearded kisses and nude cuddling. i am really trying to stay away from it because ugh i was feeling so well when sex was away and everything was working out and under control and now i'm totally sleepy again and watching series until sunrise (i do think sexual content in that series has a lot to do with my recent problems). i'm going to write my priest about it, but let's face it, there is not much he can do for me. i just hope it will go away before it becomes irresistible. i got an appointment with my psychiatrist on wednesday, so let's also see what he has to say.