Still single. Lol. By choice.

This guy who is hanging around seems like a good person. That's all good and everything. But I have moved on from any romantic feelings for him. I cared for him at one point. He didn't feel the same way, and it stings having to admit that. That I hung on to him, with hope of him caring for me eventually. We communicated. People now don't talk, they text. But it all came out. He was upset because I was not interested in what he had to offer, which was nothing in the form of caring for me romantically. I was kinda over him. When you don't receive love, loving moments, a desire of loving and caring for you, other things, you long for it and you come empty-handed, this drives you somewhere where you have to face the truth. I talked, I was honest, very upfront. I held nothing back. I answered. Eventually, because my heart loved him. Eventually, I moved on. I am not sad. I was at first, a long time ago. I even held on to being with him even though I knew he didn't feel the same way. It took a little bit of time, but I don't have any feelings for him. I stopped dwelling on him, on us. I push away feelings or thoughts of remembering how things were with him. I don't care if maybe I'm repressing. I don't think I am, just push away thoughts and think on something else. Because he is still in my life, he sticks around, it's hard to have him completely disappear from my life. We still get together, but I have no feelings for him. And I stick to that, It took me time to get to this point, I don't want to "go there." To go to a place that I will want a man who doesn't want me as his mate, as someone he loves. I don't want to seek someone for me anymore. I give up on wanting someone to love me. When I see lovers or couples, I no longer envy them or wish in my heart I had a man to love me. He doesn't exist. And I've come to that conclusion in my heart too. I just don't care anymore. It does hurt to think on this at times, but having a little cry at that moment, and just wiping my tears, I recollect myself, and I'm a big girl. I just get "over it." I get over it almost instantly. I am indifferent now. I've heard that anger is actual love for a person you love. You still love them. Indifference is moving on. I am indifferent by my mind knowing he doesn't love me. And my heart is at peace and has moved on as well. I am no longer thinking on it. I am not upset he still talks to me. I will have to be the one to eventually tell him to also move on. I don't care for a so called "friendship." We were more at one point. And I don't want him in my life so much. I am not friends with guys who were romantically involved with me. That is an answer, "What does quietgirl want?" I don't want him in my life as much or not at all. Now it's his turn to get a clue. It's not an easy thing to do, because I'm "so nice." But quietgirl needs to take care of herself. I need to be the one to push him away because he's not for me. I'm not interested in a friendship. The end. (For today, that is.)

Ive been working toward this while mentally ill for half my life and its taken that long for this one moment to occur.
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Played the piano at the church lunch in for the poor drugged out homeless population…
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Whats important; several things.
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1. Ill playing something I wrote and wrote down and my own lyrics… finished enough; took me about 10 minutes.
2. I had to ask the church to play the piano; I had to go back in and ask them to sing to my song… and that was brutal. I felt like I was going to drop over dead.. I felt like walking death it was so hard; Authorities in control where I have no control and they control my fate. I have serious mental break downs and can not do this kind of thing but I did it…
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Well; I did perform the piece; and it went OK. And it sounded amateurish on all fronts from piano to singing and song writing. But I did it..
I played the song on all white keys…
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I made sure the singing was loud enough that I could say I sung that song; I really did sing it; it wasn't murmur or whisper. I made sure to put out some volume on some of it.
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Ill be creating another song for tomorrow; and Ill grow from all of this and see where it all leads me Amen.
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I went to a meeting… One this morning; and one early at 11… and it will go to 1PM… So; Im getting a much longer meeting; in this case I asked a women to walk with me and talk. We were already friends kind of…
But this time we became real friends.
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I got a message From Jesus; I am to understand; that women of the past and present; All I need and can expect from them is this. I am to like them; And nothing more. They owe me nothing. They do not have to change or be any different then they are. All I have to do is like them and they qualify.
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If I like them; give them a try; stop putting giant conditions on them. I already like them. However; this also goes to a point; I mean; they have to fit into a general range of sanity and fit ability.
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Ive been so strict on conditions no one has a chance with me.
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So; God has made it clear; I am to only like them; and that is good enough. They don’t have to be anything else.
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Well; I asked this women to go for a walk around Town to talk about it. And I did and we became deeper friends; real friends…
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And it appears to be the beginning of the next level of friendship in general with women; she is not the only one; several others are my friends in the same condition; Friends for Life; kind of thing; shaking hands and such.
This means Im making relationships with these women; In this case; Friendship relationships; and this means they can pull me off the guard and scold me if they see something Im not doing right with other people. And I can do the same with them.
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And their will be more because these women have friends. I know several are going to become real friends; closer friends…
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I Can see this. Im not used to this…
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With these women; I told them everything; in a sense; of how my fears of my mental condition has kept me from getting to close to anyone because their has been no one to tell all this stuff to; its to real vulnerable.
This is a different kind of Vulnerability; This is real world out in the field direct vulnerability. Open up this vulnerability stuff; is creating real friends in the real world. These are areas that have kept me from interacting with others up close and personal. And that is now changing in the real world.
These are women I can tell anything to; for advice.. These are real friends for life.. These are real friends for life; like belonging to a gang… I mean; its real. So; God is bringing what I asked for.
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Some of these people; Im telling things Ive never told anyone in a way that suggests a picture of myself no one knows about. But we are now Friends for life…
My God; What have I gotten myself into. And their will be more n more.
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This is the next step slowly getting me closer to developing into more serious relationships for the future.
Its like a gang of friends on my side to help with real life problems. Looks like Im in.

Goals; in writing;
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Women.
Soulmate;
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I met this girl… I love everything about her. But thats out on the surface. Shes a nice old fashion small town girl…
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Did she come from God.
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The problem is; And maybe she didn’t come from God; I don’t know. It could be my addictive side.
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The point is; shes to risky because of her behavior and mannerisms. I see her not safe to a point that its to much. She could cause massive problems… To risky.
Ive been through this before.
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She came up to me today; and I kind of shunned her because she is not safe and I don’t want to go through it. Ill talk to God until I get an answer from God.
And I don’t know how to treat this person. Ill talk to God about all of this.
If she was safe; Id love to be with her… I like her… I just do… But Im afraid its fake. Not on my side; on hers. Im afraid she was be way way to much trouble. Id love to take care of her…
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Ill talk to God about it…
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Ill talk to my sponsor about it…
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And God. I want her God. I love her… I like her… So; can I have her God…
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What do you want me to do God… AM<en…………..
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Goals; in writing;
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Women.
Soulmate;
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I met this girl… I love everything about her. But thats out on the surface. Shes a nice old fashion small town girl…
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Did she come from God.
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The problem is; And maybe she didn’t come from God; I don’t know. It could be my addictive side.
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The point is; shes to risky because of her behavior and mannerisms. I see her not safe to a point that its to much. She could cause massive problems… To risky.
Ive been through this before.
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She came up to me today; and I kind of shunned her because she is not safe and I don’t want to go through it. Ill talk to God until I get an answer from God.
And I don’t know how to treat this person. Ill talk to God about all of this.
If she was safe; Id love to be with her… I like her… I just do… But Im afraid its fake. Not on my side; on hers. Im afraid she was be way way to much trouble. Id love to take care of her…
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Ill talk to God about it…
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Ill talk to my sponsor about it…
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And God. I want her God. I love her… I like her… So; can I have her God…
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What do you want me to do God… AM<en…………..
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New Blog;
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Talked with my sponsor today. It was interesting; I shored up a few ideas from beginning to end; Mainly about Drumming and Women.
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Drumming;
First; Ive been writing about this a few times in my previous blogs…
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I have been re-birthed into the present age. I was regrown in the Garden of Eden. I am here now. Im still a Work-In-Progress. What does this mean. Im not all here! I have mental illness; I come from a moderate or maybe a bit of less moderate level of drug n alcohol addiction; certainly I abused substances to dissociate from reality. Im a Potential Alcoholic. I did my time; maybe a bit less then most; but I ended up experience the same Night terror as everyone else… As for Drugs;’ I was definitely on my way within a relatively short time in High school to becoming a Drug addict; However; Within that period I overdosed many times and had bad bad trips and was ending up in the Hospital. After to many trips on Hallucinogenics; I had Drug psychosis for three years; My brain was torn apart and extremely weak’nd.
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In Junior high-high school; Moving onward toward women and dating
I could not really function anymore with the mental illnesses coming on and the drug psychosis problem. I had been manipulated easily by young women I innocently fell for; thinking I had made a friend. I was literally torn to pieces by it. I did not want to be alive anymore. I had no one; I had already been thrown away by my parents… Now I was being used and played by the people my own age; I simply crumbled and gave up… This was not the world I thought I would be in when I started getting older…
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I had nothing and ...

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I am reliving again from age 12; Where I was cut off at age 9 when young; where I was destroyed from evil.. God has taken me from very very young before this; and rebuilt me again as a new person. And I wake up again at age 9,10,11…. I began to remember and wake up but I remember what happened to me; Im waking up from the grave; but Im in a new life as I wake up; I wake up with the memory of the past life; but Im in a new life; I remember what happened to me with no way out; But now; Go has me reliving these events; but this time I can escape because; altho Im at the same emotional age when bad things happened; Im not there anymore; Im in new world; And here I am now. And God has taught me escape routs from that time period and I use them and move forward. However; in reality I need support and I pray for it.
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Im like or at the level of the 12 year old who has somehow; with Gods help; escaped; Or Im safe but alone in a new world. I remember the old world; but Im not there anymore; Im here. So; God is recreating whole new scenarios for me to practice new ways of life taking the place of those old ones.
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I Cannot describe or explain; Im 12 and Im independent.. Now what? And Im living this dream; its not necessarily A light dream; its more like Night time; its more like Halloween.
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The point is; Im real but Im free… I get to do this life again; the basics again; again; to meet relationships; New friends under God; New women under God; meaning; a girlfriend. And new occupation or interests under God; Like drumming; but this time I start from scratch; No Grandma or grandmas money or basement to play drums in.
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Its similar if not authentic to when I was actually young at 12 years old after being thrown away. I feel alone as I did then; but Im free to work with God for solutions and non of those bad people are around anymore. However; today I have to learn how to have dreams n goals and get alone with people and learn how successful people work through a thing to accomplish a goal they cannot see or touch yet or afford.
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So; When I was young; an older child; I was basically without parents and on my own; I was alone. I was living with strangers who did not care about what happened to me; It was like a bad movie I could not get out of. I was out of luck. I was thrown away permanently.
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So; I wake up now within God; From Gods worlds… And Im here again to do this again. Being so very young in spirit and maturity; I am on my own; for my survival; the best thing for me is; friends; girlfriends, meaning romantic love; and the development of things I like to do… like drumming.
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When I was 12; it would mean starting in the work world somehow.
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So; here I am heading out into the world at 12 years old. Ill need stability; They will come from the outside world. I cannot get them from any inner world; such as family because no such place existed. No family exists for me right now; However; 12 step groups and sponsors do the job and God; for now!
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So; God is helping me write a better story of survival at that age… Im writing a similar story right now for my life that parallels that time period; and Im developing much of what I would have developed at that age; Drumming; and girlfriends.
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Its more then this; its new; I am reborn and new; This age has to be reworked. Or worked for the first time. Its not the first time; Its the first time its freedom; Im free this time; freedom; but freedom is not free. I still must answer the call for survival. And I can and I will and I am… Grandma is no longer around to foot the bill; But God is. And that is the transformation.
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This survival answered; Is the beginning of my new life; Im going out and getting the answers; Im going into the city and talking to people and trying new things.
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I would have to go out and find another family or create another fam...

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