The beginning of setting out into society…
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So; in addition to my goals in general;
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I have been doing service work in my recovery meetings; some of them are more middle class affairs; some fellowships are more like the wild wild west; and being a representative of these meetings; some of the biggest and busiest; Ive set myself up for INSTANT SOCIAL REALITY AND RESPONSIBILITY.
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It was scary today… It was my first independent business meeting for one of my groups; and I was expected to be the leader. I did not know yet what I was doing; and could feel the all to com’n feelings of fear… Terror; REAL TERROR. In fact; This was a real example of what its like being a Dissociative with DID disorder; AVPD; Agoraphobic; Depressive; and so forth; what its really like to step out into society and deal with it again. It slams into my disabilities? Yes/No. Its very uncomfortable; Im so sensitive… and beat up in these areas;
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However; what I want to share; This is the reason Im not in relationships… Its so hard to get into relationships; why I melt down before I ever get into any relationships… Everything is triggered. Im totally triggered from the past; everything… where I was thrown away….
Everything comes back… and then Im re living the hatred toward me; and being thrown away… Im reliving the fear and the humiliation. Im reliving all the fear and pain and loathing where I had no place to run and hide; nothing….
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It was truly fear when I had to start this meeting…… I was doing something real that I had no control over; How I looked or acted when I was put on the spot to run a meeting and I had no idea what was going on… I had to socially wing it… Not my forte
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RELATIONSHIPS…
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Relationships are the same way; its easy to fantasize or talk about them; but as the time to actually get closer to people; I freeze up and panic… and do not feel strong enough or good enough to be accepted by anyone; especially with my problems. Im afraid I will be hated; spit on and treated like Im beneath them; dismissed… Because; The reality is; Im super weak; terrified in these areas completely. Im already super sensitive Artist type. But to put myself in an open position where I could be judged; in credible.
However; Because Im in recovery and wanting my goals in reality; Im working with my Higher power co creating my life and that means I will be doing everything new.. And Ive just started socially; and its enough to make me want to puke.
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However; working with God; This is what is required if I am to become a newer style person for the people I want to attract for my goals; the people God is sending me for support for my goals; or those directly involved in my goals or maybe they are the goal; regardless; Im getting a real taste of what its really like to step out into something new; into society; a real place where I claim I want real goals. And this is where it really starts…
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History;
Ive been working with sponsors from groups and other support people for a while now; a few years as I make the transition from past recovery person to new more focused goal oriented recovery person… Today; Im going after my goals and those goals are in the real world.
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Im going from a dissociative world protected within my imagination; into the real world where my goals manifest and transform into something real.
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However; under the orders of my higher power; The first changes that have to happen; I must become a Caveman if I am to withstand society along with my mental disabilities at the same time adding my ambition toward my goals… This is allot on my plate.
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And its began in the real world and a very real way….
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So; Im getting my feet wet again in the lakes of reality… And Im showing; altho Im petrified Im lasting.
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And Ill continue.
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Im now operating with God in the real world… Its a small segment of the world but its real…
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As...

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I am single by choice. I am at peace. I don't want a guy, just to have a guy. There is more that I want and more that I need as a woman. I have friends but it stays there. Why? Because that is what I want.

I have many goals.
Now it is time to focus on Gods direction and teaching on how to take action toward each one of my goals.
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What does this mean..
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For example;
Im on disability with mental health problems; They are bad and have been much much worse. I am better; they still block me but Ive been around 1000 years; Im an old man now; not ancient; but its creeping upon me.
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So; No Money; Just a thought; that through study and understanding of how to Think and Grow rich; This thought or idea has turned into a desire; and now strengthened into a fortress within my head; a Jr Fortress; but a battle castle non-the-less… A very positive sought out desire.
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What does this mean; its becoming a major positive obsession to have a house… So; Dear God; where do I start first…
How do I take action; what do I do first…
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What is the difference between action and say spiritual actions…
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Real Action might be; The beginning processes of saving money for a house… The aligment of a way of making money as a beginner; at anything; all in aligment for that final desire of having a house. So; The idea of the House being under God; and The jOb that creates money being under the house… And Im under all of it praying to God on my knees.. under all of it.
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So; First; I can see; I have to get under everything; humble myself so I can be a dedicated servant to God in this situation. 100% submissive under God; Completely. God is my Master; I am the student under my Masters care… and I must play the role and be the role of student under God in all earnestness and innocence; completely acknolleging; Yes; God is everything; I am nothing. God has all the power in this specific situation; Ill need to ask permission and garner permission from God to go any further with my goals. For God is the gate keeper; with out Gods permission I may not enter this realm that holds possibilities.
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I have to bow down in all earnestness under God; the child in me has to bow down; and that is what Im working on.
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And “ Taking action would indicate” Go rake leaves; go help someone with their gardening or do something else; shovel snow in the winter… Do something; because; well; I have a goal. I want something; and it requires money… I want a house and Im building toward it… one dollar at a time; One penny at a time…
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OK; there ya go! That looks like taking action… Anything else.
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Spiritual action;
This would include; praying for what I want; meditation… Writing stories of what I want as if I already have it. Studying success based coaches on how to make money and succeed…
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Another angle of taking action;
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talk to House Realtor, find out real world prices… Study Realtor stuff online. Study house construction; buying land… What to look for to build a house; what about prefab houses on land…
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What about mobile homes on land… Manufactured homes…
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So; whats the problem with all of this; Well; I don’t think its just the price; not having the money; Theres something about setting down or settling for less. I have to trust God and get on my knees to appreciate the house God brings me; or allows me to be in. I have to pray for my home and the land it sits on as well and the area that home is apart of…
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This settling down business has this feeling of dying; Like Im saying; “ Life is over at this point”. So is all the fun; I have to settle down now until the end… something like that. IF I settle down now; I shows Im accepting defeat of ever being a super star in this life or a super star in some other life…
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However; Im smart enough to just get a house anyway and live my life… So; Ill try working toward that end… Ill work with God on this.
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I want success; I do… Im realizing its accepting the present and the future; And that means those of the past wont be coming back; non of it; nor the time period.
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Im really hung up on my past ti...

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Goals.
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Im starting over; Literally; Im already in; Im there; Im here… Now what. Im half way like any new child into the world; Im in shock… Im just kind of here. Now what! What do I do now! Where am I… Im new!
Im here as is. I have God and the success based work I do to move forward with faith in success based thinking. SO far; it appears to be strengthening my resolve and belief in success based goals; Goals backed by an education or science behind the goal process. And I believe in it. I have GOd...
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Here I am. I have nothing; I have everything… ? I have an idea....
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Here I am….
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Its a place where I want to make great strides. This is that area of self actualization and competence I am combining under God; this dance bringing about the interactions of real change.
If Ive been working on gaining settlement in Desires of the past; This is the time period of such things…
If ive been working on Dating women again; this will be the time period… If I want a house; this will be a time period or if I want a drum room; This will be the time period for significant gains; Gains that take me over the starting line into the unknown into no mans land beyond no-mans land onto new lands and society where Foundations are built in reality and can be shown in reality; The building of something real on each Goal point will be proven… This is the time period of real things… to participate in reality. For this to happen; I have to become a society man within reality. I have to become suave.
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If I want more money; this will be the time I prove it through work or some other means working with God.
This will be a place or time of owning a car
this will be a time of a new place to live associated with the ability to drum; meaning a drum room or a house; Something…
Is this a time period of wife family children. I don’t know or; a real house; large house; I don’t know.
Or complete economic answers to my desires; I don’t know…
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THe Football Game;
But this is the time period of not just planning for the football game; but This time; it will be time to put the team together and get out on the football field with other teams and play the game… Thats where Im at.
Stressful is a good word for it; but with gaining a foothold in the realities of my desires/goals.
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This means; a real development of a car; a house; or drum room; girlfriend… Money… It is now. How long is this season; it depends on how long it takes for these things to be established. The establishment of these goals determines how long this season lasts. What this means; It means working at things in the real world until they are completed. How long is a war? Its the same thing; its real; Im fighting for what I want and its real establishment foothold into realities...
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This has to do with responsibility. And working with others… and working mainly with God and sponsors...
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NOTE; Dealing with Rejection and failure...
Dealing with rejection and failure;
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Rejection and failure will be all over this thing… I mean; all over it; bloody with different forms of defeat, setbacks of all kinds; immaturities, running out of everything… rejections; betrayals…
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All kinds of loneliness until I learn properly how to hit those goals; how to find the proper land for them and start the realistic building process.
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Im very much like the homestedd’r of the 1800’s in my country who crosses the middle of my country to the other side looking for something better; starting my own ranch; building my own empire or house or family… Ill be building my own family this time…
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And Im starting from nothing but a dream or idea and half baked broken disabled personality and mind… I have God and a good idea and a support group.
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Im working with Gods ideas… and with Gods help and ideas; I make gains into reality again with...

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Next level;
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My Goals;
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Goals are turning into; within; a pipe line; in similar direction; tethered together…
Goals are showing signs of getting stronger; stronger; bunched together heading down the same track; in the same realm going from my imagination into No Mans land; out for No mans like into of present reality. Like a Pipe line of oil being transported; flowing from one state to another.
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This means its been developing in my imagination. Goals have been struggling slowly appearing through much work in my imagination. However; Now; they are turning into real desires within reality. This; meaning, from fantasy realm to reality. This means Im getting strengthened in reality. This is important because the goals Im interested in are not in lolly lolly land; Disney land or The Fugi channel of puppets; or dark purple Unicorn land; Because my goals or being thrown out in an imagination and manifested way; there is a theory behind them; a planning strategy on how to think and grow rich; in an imaginative reality.
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Goals; Suddenly they seem so much more strong. They seem more unified. And the desires for my goals are strengthened.
In fact; I could say; The “ Real Desires”; The real inner form or structure of a desire; the real desire themselves have appeared; have appeared in reality. But not quite; they are being protected; they are not in reality yet; they are right outside reality houz’d in a special place; a spiritual vortex where they can develop.
Think of a Car in an underground garage; where its been worked on in a safe place; engine overhaul. When the engine is ready to go; the car will be for the outside world…
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In my 20’s yearly 20’s and middle 20’s; Well; something; I was living with Grandma and could not function; She paid for everything. I learned nothing; had no future; no interest in a future; no plans; My mind was hurt; damaged and I could not function… I was helpless… I needed to be in a nut house…
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So; I was far gone and learned nothing; I had no one; nothing. No one cared about me; nothing.
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So; here I am now after years and years and years of work; and an unuasual intersect is occuring; The concept of Desires; it has strengthened; almost like leveling up in a video game to a point of much more powerful; confidence and capable.. they are super charged; these Desires and they are all running down the same track together… and the end result looks or visualizes like a unison of goals all appearing and manifestation in the same back yard; and the backyard is a manifestation.
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In addition to that or this; is the change in Wife perspective; Now; its much clearer of who I want as a wife; Someone who is inline with my goals. And some one sent from God; and someone who is a helper from God for the development of my goals… who wants to help; who loves me so much or adores me so much; They want to help me; and help me develop… God sent…
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And this frequency of what Im looking for is coming from God; God is running everything; and running the show; Im simply tapping into it to allow God to show me what is going on; and Im getting it; and it reminds me of when I was a child and how I saw things innocently or was excited by things innocently; the future possibilities for my life.
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This state Im in; Im becoming; secretly is the most of what I could have ever asked the universe for. Im becoming someone and somewhat of a hungry go get’r for my future; with all spirit and confidence to do so; to believe in my direction; Nothing could be better then this.
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However; Im a damaged person; and this weighs upon me; and Im an immature person and this weights upon me; but in the case of maturity; To believe I can mature and develop into my goals; its happening right now; so Im believing Ill change; because Im already changing in that direction; Ive been changing in that direction.
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In fact; The part of me th...

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