So; some of the girls in this recent episode of my development; They are truly not my friends. I got played or worse. What ever that can be. They are cold as ice with me as if I never met them; they could care less who I am; if they ever see me again; Nothing. I was simply put in my place by them. I assume a game they were playing with other women in the group to push it and see if they could put me in my place. They are certainly not friends of mine.
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How do I feel; Nothing! Im not stupid enough to fall for those things. Would I did do was fall inline with my higher power and allow my higher power to send me in a direction; and it happened and I gained advantage and experience; It was like a quantum shift; what happened. With in a few weeks to a month. I became popular with many women; and thus was see by other women and noticed and some of them taking notice began to call me out. I; in my innocence; actually had no reason to believe anything other then; they were genuinely interested in me; They were not; they were cold heartedly playing me with absolutely no interest in ever talking to me or seeing me again. They could care less who I am or that they ever saw her heard me speak or ever met me for the short time they did.
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This is what I know. I have to slowly allow God to take me over into the next threshold. It is upon me.
Ill explain.
This girl that played me. She actually allowed me to gain some very important experience down my God Pathway toward my wife; but first toward opening up to the world and dating again. I came within the last moment of actually dating someone again after numerous years out of the circle of this kind of thing.
In order for me to date; I have to be back in; in with people; with society; back in with women; within the middle circle. And that is what is happening. God made it happen…
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However; I never was able to follow through; I never received another text and the person has never talked to me since; and appears to act like I have never met her… I can see the hostility and contempt in her face; a kind of anger and stern hatred of no interest for me.
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Ive stayed to my myself now; from that crowd. Im no longer around any of those people. Im not popular anymore; I literally dislocated myself from those people. And im not popular anymore.
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After all of this; other events occurred in a truly favorable manner… a real intimacy night with many of us in the recovery process sitting and talking about dating. It was truly God created. I was in shock this would ever happen for me; to feel “ IN” again like this; like feeling like I belonged to one big family.
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Then; ;later; a week later; I told the story of change. And another women spouted out; Hey I think Im going to the park and feed the ducks after the meeting. That would have been a cue for me to meet up with this other person and feed the ducks with her; thus establishing a kind of date. And that would have pulled me over into that world… Im that close… But I didn’t; I know the person. But just didn’t jump on that situation. Another will occur.
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So; Im in this place. God wants me to learn abundance! That means; theirs more then one girl on planet earth; I may have to learn what women have to deal with in life; Having numerous girl in waiting because I don’t know which will strike that match between us. I might try out several God has sent but for what ever reason; it never happens. And then finally with enough experience; Ill be so close to meeting the right one; having us at each others frequency; It may be in walking distance that I find her. But only at that point of experience.
Im now moving into the frame of area; meaning that new describe place where I take women to the park and we feed the ducks. What ever that may mean; but it means; the beginning of actual dating. And I believe Ill meet many women first and get lots of experience under God with this...

[ Continued ]

So; I deal with my first interactive crisis as being my new person… After taking an interest in her; Im ghosted. No problem; I did see her again in a meeting place; I ignored her but if I didn’t completely ignore her. If Ieven looked up; she is right there to check me; I can feel and see it; that she took it as her catching me looking her; ego boost. Her Ego Boost. So; I lose my position of power with her… Why; because thats all the importance I have with her… When in reality; I actually liked her because I thought she would be someone I could get to know and talk to; that idea was all wasted on the wrong person.
She is not trying to get to know me. I basically never retext her. I just walked away… But Ive found; no matter what I do; she will gas light me every time I see her….
I got emotionally invested to early. I just thought the person was sincere. She had no interest in me; she was just getting my attention for a moment. She kind of flipped the script on me. My innocence and decency were weaponized against me. I just never saw her like that the few times I talked to her…
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So; it begins…
However; because Im getting more confident around women; One women kind of suggested that she was going to the park to feed the ducks; I suppose I could have asked this new person if I join them; I thought maybe thats what she was implying. So; that takes things to the next step. That means I move on completely. This is not my friend.
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And I have to move on. Im just being played by fools…. Maybe Im actually wrong; but I doubt it. I don’t think anything is here; I was interested in her; she has no interest in me; And knowing this and working with God; I move on. I tell God; “ If you sent her to me God; she is causing violations”.
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What Im saying; I have to work with God; and move on completely and learn about abundance!
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I must work with God and let God bring more women to my life…
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I have to get to the point that I never look at this person ever again for any reason… And their it is. Im being played..
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GOAL;
The goal is to start moving on…..
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Really moving on!
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I will never see this person again; and their it is… Thats the way it goes. Im just starting out; and my mistakes and being around the wrong people will happen.
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So; this is a good lesson concerning God help me and me depending on God to move on.
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This is the big lesson to learn…. Ive been played; it will happen again. And maybe she never played me; she simply had no interest in me but was polite…
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I must get on my knees and pray and start again and keep going...and I will, Am.
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Im not good enough or experienced enough with women and relationships; to be enough for a person like this; instead; I don’t have all those things I need to associate with.
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Here behavior doesn’t align with my standards….
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I don’t barter
I don’t beg
I don’t plead…
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I never and never come back ever… And their It always has bee
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So; my ego has to be reduced in this; as I thought that maybe I was liked by someone; but I was wrong. So I have to go on forward….
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This was never my friend. I was dismissed.
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and another women came along right after this that would have maybe gone and fed the ducks with. But I didn’t ask; but it looked like the opportunity was present.
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Ill keep working with God and imagine new people; Please God; please help me; Amen.
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Mountain biking;
Well; after 10 years and saving allot of money and going into dept and accepting the price of a new mountain bike; I just bought one. I had to work with God until I was simply doing what God said; because I allowed to receive this direction from God. I had to get below God and learn to take directions from God.
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I made a mistake. I make mistakes all the time… if I would just stay inline with my inner being; and learn that lesson;
Im costing myself self destruction and masochism… I was s...

[ Continued ]

Dating support;
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Ive been working on dating and social aspects for a while now with a sponsor. The goal was to come back from nothing; making my way all the way back to new experiences; experiences that would take me to popularity with women; wonderful conversations with women with confidence; and finally phone numbers and asking for dates. And; Ive gotten this far. Ive gotten all the way right up next to the first date; But it never happened… I never got the first date; I got smoked or ghosted on the last one.
So; Almost; But I got that far. And that is a super amount of experience; and I did it; Hurrah!
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So; after talking to the sponsor about all of it.
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I ended up at a meeting today; a special meeting; I go to on Fridays. I was totally dissociated and not sure what my future looked like. However; of all the strange but great things to happen; Dating came up as one of the topics and everyone started to open up; almost like a campfire group on an outing camping around the campfire at early dark… talking …. really intimate…
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I was shocked; and completely taken by surprise and what a great surprise. I got to open up yet again; and tell a group of people very close; that I had confidence; and no self worth when it came to dating; I had no sexual market value; because I had no idea who I am to anyone. And that I was bashful and afraid and petrified and scared to death of being rejected; Im super vulnerable.
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And that God finally told me to stop going after people that had no value for me; Just Stop.
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Now; Im gathering a team of individuals I can respond to as I go into the world of dating. The world of dating for me is much like a job search. Its serious business. Im looking for someone internally just like me.
Im an introvert; intellectual; shy withdrawn; bashful extremely secretive creative; shy.
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This type of person Im looking for; Ill have to get up to speed…
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I told the group; I wanted someone that missed me; cared if they had no seen me. Someone that when they woke up in the morning they thought about me and it meant something to them; they were thinking about me when they got up in the morning.
If they hadnt seen me for a year; they would always wonder what happened to me and they were thinking about me. If they saw me again; they would be excited to see me and enthusiastic; People interested in me.
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Thats what Im looking for and working with God on finding… and or attracting. And someone that wants to help me; build me up; as my best interests at heart. And so one. Someone that is my best friend wouldn't hurt either.
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Where in the world would I find someone like this? I don’t know; but my inner being knows; and God knows and the universe knows.
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So; Im kind of on that search and discovery process right now.
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So;
Back to the meeting; it was an exquisite meeting. And lifted my spirits through the roof; My God; it flipped everything over to the positive… incredible. Never in my life did I expect this to happen. Its like Gods hands just through a giant light of the spirit from outer space; right into the middle of our gathering. Now Im super stoked. Incredible.
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Ive got like one more meeting to bring up some other internalized secrets concerning dating; Mainly that I have no confidence in myself concerning women and dating. All I can do is take a chance and ask women; ask them for what I want… I have no idea of the outcome.
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I will continue to gather more people I can call on as part of my dating support group… Its just starting;
I have many many days of experience ahead dealing with women and getting support… learning how to interact with women again and dating again and having a girlfriend…

New Identity;
Very simple.
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Im a recovery person;
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I live in a little recovery apartment;
I have my plastic model kits
I have my mountain bike
I attend recovery meetings
I have a recovery sponsor…
I have a higher power
Im on permanent mental disability…
Ive had problems in the past with substance abuse; Enough; not to be a visitor to the meetings but a member; But just barely; but still enough! Dual diagnosed with addictions and mental problems. Allot more on the “ Mental problems” side of things; but I still abused substances for relief…
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I go from here… forward; and learn a new design for living.
I use allot of the words and thoughts and phrasing and ideas and wisdom from other members; I use the books associated with the recovery fellowships I attend to learn how to live again in a practical day to day way within this simple life style. It is what it is…
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Note; its from this platform of recovery that I excel back into regular life.
Im not trying to “ Take a little time off from regular life”; to find myself in the recovery process; recover for 2 weeks and claim Im back to middle class life or job or something; That does not work for me. And its not a true statement. The trust is; Im in the recovery life identity for life; as life; this is my foundation; and it is where I start from. I don’t get to claim Im a big business man or lawyer or vise president of the Bank… and Im just taking a break for a few months.
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When I talk to people; I tell them the truth; I live a very simple recovery life style. And I have mental problems that do not go away. It makes life hard to be in reality on a daily basis.
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I have problems with people stalking me in the 12 meetings that I have to take care of. I don’t want to; but I have to face these problems. Im praying about it right now!
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I have support for my general recovery. I haven't been to therapists in a long time; However; from the trails of everyday life and dealing with stalkers; Ive been suicidal for the last several months; and I havent known how to fix any of this yet!

The new message from God concerning women!
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Its time to move on…
Move on from where Im at concerning women; Time to go to new ponds.. new lakes to fish for what I want…
The women Im around don’t like me. Im not liked by any of them… Its time to move on… I wont find what Im looking for within these groups of people.
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Ill have to go out into the world working with God to find the tribe of women that might be interested in me.
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I want to be around people that will miss me if they don’t see me or; or actually want to spend time with me because its of interest to them; or excitement. Meaning; they are actually interested in me…
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Im not liked by the people Im around; the groups of people Im in; no women like me. Im not liked by them. They show no respect of any kind or interest; nothing… Its time to leave.
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THE GOALS:
A Network of chosen friends for the purpose of support for my dating developmental interests under God. Im working with God to pic people I can call and talk with as I go through this process to find the right type of people for my future relationships..
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Everything is under Gods care…
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Ill have a new group of people for support and Ill be moving outward in my views of direction concerning what Im looking for…
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Im trusting God; God is getting me out of the places ive been habitating in the recovery process; for I am finding no one in these places to date; its actually dangerous; Ive been “ played” and fooled so many times; conned; lied to; or “ let on”. Its given me the conclusion; none of these people want me around; Im not liked by these women… non of them; for any reason; I have no future with those people. These people don’t like me…
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God created scenarios for me to see the truth; I have and Im moving on.
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I do not know where Im moving on to; But God has brought some ideas into my mind; ideas of more introverted educated women; bashful women; women interested in the Arts and Sciences at high levels..
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Its unfortunate one cannot attract everyone. But Im not. The people Im around right now see no value in my internal self; nothing. And I think Even God is alarmed at it; I certainly am.
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To hate someone for no reason or cause as I am being; it has a bad ring to it. Its not some place I want to visit or habitat; Ive tried; God is moving me on…
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Im done with these people; Ive had enough; I cant imagine anyone with any decency having anything to do with these people… Ive awakened because of God; I have plans with God to meet other people from other walks of like…
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These people right now in the places I visit have no appreciation for me. I wont be missed and Im not liked.
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I am waking up to my own humanity again.
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What ever God has chosen for me; is certainly not in these places Im at now!
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So…
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NOTE:
Ive never had a Girlfriend; ever!
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I never developed. I had a girl I liked in the second grade; I took her to the dog show.. And that is the last of it.
Im an old man now. Nowhere did anything dealing with the opposite sex get developed; it never has been. I was never noticed and just ignored by any group of hopeful prospective type people; I was never seen; just ghosted or ignored completely.
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Now; God is helping me develop in this area; its all under God and I must listen and learn from God for my directions and support.