Since I started taking the 150mg of Seroquel in addition to the lithium, I find that I am sleeping a good amount except for the days when I have to start at 6am the next morning., even if I started at 6am that day, I can't sleep without the aid of Valium, but if I take that then I have a massive sleep hangover the next morning where I can't wake up properly and I feel groggy for about 3 hours after waking up.

Struggling with the end of the manic episode, I feel like I want to postpone it so it never ends. I know that this is only because I feel invincible because of the mania. But I lived in the depression for as long as I can remember, why couldn't I love in the mania for a little while longer.

I remember all the times I was depressed when I was younger, it seems to me that I lived in the depression for 20 years and only had brief moments of mania, obviously I see only the bad. I still welcome the depression like an old friend, it has been there for me when everyone else has failed. I am a pessimist at heart and expect that everyone will fail eventually. Not the best way to make friends or hold on to friendships. But I get through it the best that I can.

Well better try and get some sleep.

Landor

Hi All,

Just thought I'd post a bit about myself & Why I have joined these forums, so here it is.

-My Names Troy
-I'm 22 years old
-I work in Aged Care
-I have a great circle of friends & family who I love dearly
-I enjoy being around close friends/family, playing pc games & my job.

The reason for myself joining these boards because I've developed quiet an extensive gambling problem. I wont go deep into it on my blog but yeah you get the idea. Its by far my biggest challenge in my life so far.

I'm hoping to unshackle myself from this chain & become a stronger person with the ability to help others who find themselves in a similar position.

It won't be easy but I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the challenge.

Hi ...

I definitely have been experiencing OCD for a long time ... I also suffer from anxiety and depression ... I also have had Epilepsy for almost my entire life ...

I am 54 years old ... I am a retired Math and Computer Science teacher - I had to retire after 21 years due to the Epilepsy ...

Anyway, I feel that I definitely have rOCD - I have been going to counseling for a long time ... My therapist will not let me discuss rOCD - I must discuss only OCD with her - I am not to be specific by naming the problem as rOCD - I do not understand this at all ...

My wife and I have been together for 27 years - married for 24 years and dating for 3 years - we have a superb relationship - we love being together ...

My large problem is that I have thoughts about her constantly ...

These thoughts bother me so much that I cannot stand it - it has been awful - I deal with this every day and night ...

The largest rOCD problem that I have deals with her weight and her looks ...

I first asked her out within the school where we both taught in 1992 ...

When we began dating, she was currently working out daily - needed to overcome her weight problems ...

I was not aware of her having a weight problem at the time we began enjoying each other so much - she looked fantastic from day one ...

At this point, I have terrible thoughts about her mostly when we are in public ...

As an example, I often do not introduce her to friends of mine (I do not have many) - I do not want them to see what I have or what I have chosen and how I could have done so much better ...

I feel so awful both mentally and physically when I experience the thoughts ...

What keeps happening is that I seem to be having a problem with "image" - I have always lived in a very small town (we have lived there for 24 years) - Everybody knows what everybody else is doing in the town - "looking good" has always been important - My Dad, who is 85 years old, still practices "image" today ...

Do I want to be with her ?? ...

Do I really need to end this relationship ?? ...

Is she someone that I do not want to live with because of her weight ?? ...

We really do have an absolutely tremendous relationship - except for my thoughts ...

She does know that I have what I mentioned above - she actually attends my counseling ...

She could not be understanding any better ...

I just have not discussed rOCD very much - she has no idea how this is ruining my (ours) life ..

What do you think ?? ...

Do I suffer from rOCD ?? ...

I really need to understand and agree that I do suffer from rOCD - and what happens, what I do, etc is not my fault ...

Can anyone let me know if my thoughts and actions are actual rOCD examples - or am I being unfair to her by "keeping" her in the marriage ?? ...

Do I have rOCD ?? ... Is what's happening not my own fault ?? ...


I am suffering ...

Thank you very much for your assistance !! ...

Triggers? due to car accident...

Involved in a serious auto-accident when I was 3. Almost died. Went through the windshield and had to have plastic surgery. My first memory is of that little girl sitting on a table while a doctor used scissors to cut her shirt off. I see the doctor attending to me (removing the glass) and I also have a memory of watching from the top of the room down.

I always dismissed this event as not important to my personal development but lately I am thinking this was huge and set the stage for my loss of voice as a young child and future SA that occurred around age 7-8 and future $hit that happened as a teen...

Grew up in a divorced family where I was carried from one family to the other. I flew in airplanes alone around age 7. This experience (flying alone) made me feel like my insides were falling out. The separation from one family and then the other was too much for my little person to bear. My fractured self became even more fractured?

Story To be continued...

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The Map (in progress)

Me-Journalgirl -(ANP) /Observer (ANP) - could be the same as functional girl or we have two host parts? dunno - researches stuff, learns, analyzes, has wisdom and can read people "Sees things" - intuitive

Functionalgirl (ANP)-Almost normal part without emotions, this could be me the host? - Wife & Mother of teens & Worker & Runner & new - likes to cook - stable cool, calm, collected

PSTD-girl - EP out as needed for 3 months after my dad died - When system is in overload (numb and mostly unaware) - This must be an EP? but it's hypo-arousal & not hyper-arousal -my current overwhelmed state looks like this -Sometimes dizzy & nauseous.

Little girl (at least 8 probably younger)(EP) - emotional part (sad needy & depressed) longing for secure attachment -

Little-little girl (3?) (EP) -(may be the same as above little girl)

Other (EP) self-injury & other stuffs I don't like to talk about -

Anger (EP) anger- powerless sometimes - likes to argue

Teengirl (EP) -very empathetic to pain of others - sometimes has an attitude

Protector (EP) - over reacts to things being shared, deletes emails, burns journals etc, makes rules. No texting, no being needy etc, denying? This part can cause a lot of drama -

Journalgirl

this is my first entry so i'll be direct. i am not a good person, nor am i a victim. i am in fact what a lot of people refer to as a monster, i'm not even sorry. most people's so-called "problems" are self-induced or frankly ######6 hilarious and i make no bones about it. you might say "dude, you shouldn't laugh at peoples pain" and i don't unless it's funny it's funny. it usually is.

the way i see it the world is cruel, unfair and black-and-white. i don't have a moral grey area and therefore act with certainty in all things, when you simplify life, life must therefore be simpler, must it not? but that's besides the point, the point is, i have come to a small epiphany recently, it's my fault. all of it. This may sound like emo nonsense but hear me out. i'm not depressed about life, i quite enjoy it but every bad thing that's ever happened to me happened because i allowed it. and in my opinion this is the same for EVERYONE, example: i was bullied. i clearly did not make the bullies scared enough of me (incidentally this is how my bullying ended, with a hockey stick and a little temper tantrum on my part). i am poor. it was I who didn't want the money enough to do what it took to earn it, i.e. go to uni, acquire a skill, become a drug dealer etc. it's all my fault, i like that. i now know how in control i really am, i can make this world (or the part that directly affects me) my bitch if i so choose, i could learn woodsman skills and disapear into some forest and never have to deal with another person (how do you guys do it? five minutes in the company of someone without a severe mental disorder makes me want to kill myself, or them. yeah, them.) and you know what? i might. because i can.