Trying very hard not to feel anything, just keep busy doing nothing. So tired.

Haven't slept in a few days, can't remember when. Things are fuzzy, days blur into days.

I'm going to go sleep. School in a few hours, how paranoid i shall be if I do not sleep.

I feel dizzy and sleepy. My back teeth (biscuspids?) hurt. Things are going back to the way they were.

I'm understanding CPTSD a bit more, and I have hope; Im working more on the deeper angles of dissociation and what causes it; and Im getting better; Ive got a long away to go.
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I remember many many bullies at every turn controlling me and stoping me physically from moving foward; I had them at school, in local establishments or at work places or in the homes I lived in ; or the false friends; that were never my friends. or the false naighborhoods that were never really my neighborhoods or the false home town. I never came from any town; it was a lie; it was a lied life; a fake fabrication shoved down my throat through the intention of abuse by those controlling me and abusing me; how they specificly set out to use me.
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Allot of minority groups have gone through what I've gone through, and they've complained about it for years.
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I'm getting better; I'm starting to see models of CPTSD on paper; the dysfunction of CPTSD; the child-adult, ego, parent relationships; I was a freaked out child; I was told I was wanted, then hated when I approached; I was double standar'd all the time; and soon, I was in a state of confused straitjacket'ism.
Or, I thought I was wanted and when I approached; I was reproached or hated on; in confusion, I realized back; not understanding. And this went on n on n on forever. Later; I will understand. by then; it will be too late and will be full of CPTSD and quite insane and damaged.
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My mind was blown apart; plowed into pieces;
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I'm now asking questions; how could I have done things differently when younger against the bullies; I'm allowing the universe to show me new ways of survival at the time. I'm getting some answers; altho, I'm not sure how I would have jumped ship at a young age, found new support and understood the uses for that new support; However, that's not why I was asking the universe for help. I wanted to see relief in my head from the abusers and bullies that physically controlled me on the school's grounds; this continued until I was 18 years old. And later in college, it continued; I'm not sure how or why I was attracting some bullies that physically assaulted me; at a later date; beyond 18, but I did; left me in a state of bleak hopeless exposer.
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Things are different now.
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I don't like the answers the universe is giving me; for protecting myself when young; the answer was not violence; My situation was a much bigger conceptual arena. I needed new friends and substitute families; kids I could walk to school with; band together that bullies would not bother with. How could this be; or be done? I have no idea; the universe would have had to supply them, but it didn't; not when I was young. ITs a start; the answers to my questions. I needed protection; I had nothing and never knew.
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After I was thrown away; I was bullied by school systems; thrown away and neglected by school systems; character assassinated by school systems; made into a worthless bad person by school systems; made into a trouble maker. I was not a trouble maker; nor was my identity stir into suggesting twisted evil agreements. I know who I am; it didn't work; the sadness of a school system trying to destroy me is the problem. In reality; many of those were narcissists or sociopaths working for the school systems.
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When forced to move to new cities; I had to attend new schools; horrible schools. I was bullied or attacked or confronted by bullies the first day at school; controlled.
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I'm now dealing with triggered brutal violent flashbacks coming through my system; there is hope; I'm getting flashbacks because I'm confronting the past; this is good. I will continue to get better and learn to face this stuff; I believe all of this concerns my parents and how i was treated schizophrenically; I never had a chance in hell of survival; I wish I had known this; no psychopath in the world is going to let me in on it; they wanted to eat me...

[ Continued ]

Its my fault . That's as far as i've gone in the past 5 months. I know enough not to blame my moms relentless yelling . My sisters indifference . My remarkable ability to have nothing interesting in the world to occupy my time . No, Its my own two feet that voluntarily jump into that hole in the sidewalk - everytime. I know where I am, it takes forever to get out . But when I do I restart, I undo the bad, and I lie to myself. I think that's what I hate the most. I dont trust myself. I was the only person I could trust. My brother won the super student award today. My parents were so proud. Mom brought home a beautiful bouquet of candy bars, a plate of mini cupcakes, a couple red balloons. I wanted so bad for this week to be different. I read the books and played my cards right the past three days, even refrained from restriction. maybe it was the sugar withdrawal, or the boredom. This is what I kept telling myself. But no, it was me seeing the hole down the sidewalk. Me reaching for the Milky way. Then the Reeses. Then the Twix. Over 4000 calories worth of justifications later I was back in the hole, crying. Im afraid to get out because I have absolutely no idea what to do.

Im practicing visualizing; specifically concerning, walking up to professional people with my hand out to shake; and saying hi; and feeling good about it and good about myself. Slam Bam; hello PTSD; BAM! I get hit at that instant and it numbs my brain; Today, I don't care; Im working through it; I got this; the idea; I visualize socially; thats what Im looking to create; its all social for me. Its coming back; had this as a kid; a mind-head full of socialization; positive socialization and its coming back.
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The idea is; My mother said she loves me; I run that statement through my mind all day long; including things concerning "the universe is on my side". "Thank you God for all the things in my life I don't know about yet."
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Most importantly, Im pushing it; Im pushing past the PTSD and CpTsD critical voice; Im seeing myself walk up to people in a book store ( its all fantasy); and seeing a women of sophistication and saying Hi. Im a sophisticated person when doing this; thats how I see myself; and more importantly, Im visualizing her with a smile on her face, open stance and friendly and looking right at me; open. And I see myself with a scholarly book in my hand and wearing some kind of attire that suggests intellectuality; And I feel intellectual; and Im visualizing this in the face of CPTSD and flashbacks; Its not easy; its like walking into a hornets nest and being stung and bugged by a billion bees running around me and my head and nervous system and imagination; freaking me out; trying to sabotage my intent; but my intent is not leaving; Im finally getting a hold on my visualizations and Im understanding ; I got to feel like Im the monster God king when I walk up to these people; confidence, happy, directed and out going.
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The key is to see it socially, and that ability is being forced onto the universe; and I will see it in my head first and get better in my head first and more confident first and go practice when Im ready; However, I was confident social before at one time when very young; and then thrown into the school system and the other evil people I was forced to live with; everything was destroyed.
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So; Im forcing it back; its been a long time; and Im seeing lots of evil faces as I force it back; lots of evil faces from my past; but, Ive been working with visualization for about 6 years now; and its starting to get more powerful; I can remember and focus on what I want; and what I want; intellectual friends and girl friends; so; I have to work on imagining Im with them; talking to them; working with them. thats what I want. I want to talk to well to do people; meaning culturally.
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Ive got this space within my mind; its crushed; like bruised; its a place of dissociation and Im attempt to work through it and replace it with good memories.
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If Im not imagining for the purpose of visualization; my mind goes blank and Im back to negative; so; it has to be trained and I must be aware of it at all times..

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Ill get their. Im working on it; and when this breaks and I get better; Ill be able to control my mind in any direction I want; and my mind is what stops me or allows me to achieve anything; because I must first see it in my mind and then if I want to pursue it; it will show up and Ill show up for it.