Deleting Blog

i cant believe the stuff i am posting... im telling things i dont even tell my doctor because i think he would heavily medicate me and put me in a padded room haha... nothing suicidal dont worry...

Hi guys, I'm Lana.
I'm going to tell you a bit about our system. Tom refuses to admit he has DID and says it's a factitional disease. But he knows it would be too difficult to feign those complex symptoms like going to bed on Monday and waking up on Friday...
So I'm going to tell you a bit more about us.

[ TOM ]
- Host. Male. Bisexual ("really" attracted to women, but sexually attracted for women and men).
- Age: 14, but he don't want to tell his age to anybody online because he is afraid everybody will think he is just seeking for attention.
- Diagnosed with: BPD, Cyclothymia. Unofficial diagnosis: DID
- About: He knows something is bad or something bad is happening but won't visit a doctor. In fact, he says he doesn't want to go to a psychiatryst or terapist for his BPD only because he refuses to tell anybody about his DID.
He isn't really able to have a serious relationship, specially with his father. Sometimes he's in love of him and some other times he isn't. He can only be angry when Christine allows him to. He can't feel anything but sadness and he always feels void.


[ LANA, formerly known as ELIZABETH ] (me )
- Female. Straight.
- Age: 26.
- About: She is the model of what Tom wold want to be. Tom feels OK being a male, but in his daydreams he is either me or Margaret. She is a modern girl, a rebel. Looks like Lana Del Rey. Alongside Margaret, he is the main alter to deal with relationships. She is also the "main" alter, like the administrator of the system. Doesn't feel love.

[ MARGARET ]
- Female. Straight.
- Age: Unkown (she says you don't ask a woman for his age)
- About: She is also a model of what Tom would want to be. But, unlike Lana, she lives in the past. Sometimes her "world" is in the 1930s and other times it's in the 1960s, but it's always in New York. She is like one of those elegant women who appeared in cigarette advertising. She desperately needs a cigarette holder at the moment, she is telling me to, and I don't know where to buy it. Lana and Margaret are good friends, sometimes Lana remembers Margaret that she is living in a town and it's 2013, not 1930. She is OK with that, but of course prefers living her fantasy. The only alter who feels love besides Swag.

[ CHRIS ]
- Male. Straight. Christine's brother.
- Age: 13
- About: He deals with fear. He is afraid of "bad people" as The Brothers (Chris & Christine) told people who they think might hurt them. When Tom starts feeling like "everybody is juding me," Chris comes. He is in love with Christine.

[ CHRISTINE ]
- Female. Straight. Chris' brother.
- Age: 15
- About: She deals with rage. She tends to cut herself, but never with the intention of scaring Tom or any other alters. She always has an obssession with breaking windows, but she has never done it because she knows it would scare Tom. Since she deals with rage, she is the strongest alter. She protects his brother Chris. She also has a protective paternal feeling for all the system, specially with Tom. She thinks friendship doesn't exist and is afraid of the same things that her brother, but instead of reacting with fear she reacts with rage.

[ SWAG ]
- Male. Straight.
- Age: 14
- About: Not a real name, he hasn't said anything about his name yet but he likes being named "Swag". As you might guess he is the "cool" alter, dealing with all the "teen" problems including relationships. Tom is unable to deal with all those teenager things, so even though he is 14 he is considered an adult, whereas Swag is also 14 and can positively deal with those problems. He also feels love, the only alter besides Margaret who is able to.

[ MARILYN ]
- Female. Straight.
- Age: Unknown.
- About: She plays the piano. All the alters do, but she is the only one who goes to piano class. Not much more...

[ Continued ]

ok, so since march I have been having these really weird what if I was gay thoughts and it really freaked me out and still does because all my life I have been an heterosexual male. I recently discovered hocd and I could tell that I fit right into what hocd is. So it started to get a little better, but one night while I was obsessing over this I thought wow all that's left is for you to think you’re a woman. At first I kind of dismissed that thought but now that's all I can think about. It's really driving me crazy because I know I am a male I love being a male and have always thought myself as a confident good looking male. I don't know what to do because I have this fear that says what if I was a transgender and all I can do is run that thought through my head and look for answers that point out why I am not and why I don't want to be. I hate thinking of myself in a female way is makes me sick, I just don't feel right when I think of myself that way. I never felt that I am in the wrong body or anthinh of the sort. I just want to return to being the happy guy I was before all this. Is this ocd of am I transgender? Help!!

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First Love;
This person was not a friend of mine but a fake; but completely faked me out because of lack of respect for people; being privileged I guess; I don’t know… I know nothing about the person. I was completely faked out and for someone reason didn’t see it; didn’t care or bother to see it; ( My Arrogance). I say this; ( My Arrogance); I say this because I walked into a trap I didn’t need to be trapped by. I didn’t need to walk into a trap like this. I was angry and beat up from the street up; lonely desperate and innocent. However; Only innocence is an excuse for this; not the others.
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The point is; I was playing a game and I liked it; What I didn’t realize; it what I was playing a game with; this was an enemy; not a friend; this was someone who fooled me right from the start and I never saw it…
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THE WAS NOT A FRIEND: THIS WAS NOT MY FRIEND!
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I was fooled by a sociopath pathological liar. Why was I susceptible to this type of criminal minded individual; Thats whats got me bugged. Its still hard to let go of to this day because of the indirect faked signs by the person that maybe I had a chance.
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I am slowly accepting just how hard I was used and with no regard. I had no idea it was happening; nothing…
This is not the first predator Ive dealt with or the last; but its the last major predator Im dealing with on my resentment list; and the hardest…
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This means; theirs a list of people I cant let go of but want to from the past; my original past; And this is the last.
This does not mean there are not secondary predators I dealt with in schools and work places or on the streets; I dealt with teachers that abused me ( sycophants sociopaths/cowards) or school bullies…
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However; its those I got close to thinking I was building real relationships; I was fooled by them; I had no idea ( THEY HAD NO INTEREST IN ME); They were playing me the whole time.
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I want to know why they had such easy access to me. Why wasnt I protecting myself; ( WHY WASN'T I PROTECTING MYSELF!); This is what I want to know… I want to know where Im susceptible. Why I was susceptible. Why did I allow myself to walk into such traps with such dangerous hideous type people. Why would I allow it not realizing the consequences.
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I thought I had it going on; Instead I got chased out of town. It didn’t work; I didn’t work. I failed. I failed the test. But I won the test with God! Thats what matters; Meaning; I made it home again; back to God…
However; Ive got this one last test of resentments to get of my chest… to move on from; and its me; still believing in the lie that someone liked me and I had a chance with them; This information was believable to me because of the persons behaviors; However; they faked their behaviors; Why would I not think they would????/!
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I put my value into that situation; I told myself; ( Well now! Look at me! Ive finally found a person that looks up to me and respects me the way someone should; Its about time!); And this is where they got me; set me up! It was more then easy for them. I had no idea who they were.
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NOTE; Why would I give myself to someone ( I had no idea who they were; are!); Its these mistakes I thought I could get away with… WHY!
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The arrogance Im dealing with here; its incredible; meaning my own arrogance; I set myself up to be put in my place; and I was! Why didn’t I see this coming!
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I put my trust into someone that was completely lying to me. And its this statement I have to work with. This was just some scumbag where I was easily fooled. That's all it was. So; that's what I have to work with God on… TO let go of the fake behavior I saw and believed in from this person; I was innocently fooled.
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I did feel horrible; that I wasn't even good enough out in the world to find one person who wasn't trying to spit in my face; set me up and destroy me… Its like; ...

[ Continued ]