Just got back from my session with my doctor. It wasn't a deep or stressful conversation this time, which was good as I simply didn't have the energy to go into anything like that. After the awkward first couple of minutes where I never know what to say, I eventually just cut to the chase & said that I've been feeling empty lately, I took a deep breath & admitted that I missed the rapid-cycling & intensity of the past 2 years, where I had yet to find a good medication & my Bipolar was running rampant. Yes, I told him that I missed it. I was very nervous about what his response would be to that, as I didn't want him to think that I enjoyed Bipolar & all the hospitalizations, I didn't want him to get the wrong idea.

To my surprise, he actually smiled & said that that type of feeling if extremely typical of those with Bipolar, so what I was saying was not a surprise. I felt a huge weight lifted, knowing that he understood what I was talking about. I talked about how intense the cycling was & how I was nostalgic for even the depression. I enjoyed the chaos. (As he put it lol.)

But then we came to a conclusion that makes a lot of sense. I'm terrified of the future. I have no plans, I have nothing to really keep me going, when I look in front of me all I see is an empty desert. There's not specific paths that show me the way. No signs to tell me where to go in my life. He gave the suggestion that perhaps when I was poorly medicated & all was chaos - it kept me busy. That was a great realization for me. Because it's true. The past few years I was incredibly busy, focused on my moods, my medications, my hospitalizations. I was busy just trying to survive. & Therefore, I didn't have time to look to the future, to see where my life could be headed. I was simply too busy & distracted by the madness.

& Now - that I'm stable & not going through that, suddenly all this free space in my mind becomes available. I finally sit down & realize that I have nothing but a blank canvas of my life. So, my doctor thinks that my wanting to stop meds & revert back to that madness is a defense. He thinks it's a defense against starting my life & starting something new. My madness was familiar, was time-consuming, & only allowed me to think day-to-day in my survival, rather than planning for the future.

I think he's right. I absolutely think he's right. I'm not sure how I feel about this new realization. Maybe it makes me want to revert back even more out of terror. I know this it's supposed to give a reason to push forward into the unknown. I guess I'll contemplate it further over the next month. Right now I just need to wind down & clear my mind of the session.

He did agree that although the medications are life-savers, they do have a habit of blunting emotions. It's hard to go from feeling the extremes of bipolarity to suddenly barely having the energy to feel happy & genuinely excited about anything.

Again - light session, but I'm glad how it went as I got to discuss some of this. At least let it be known, actually voice it out loud.

Next session is June 7th.

- EGD.

So far, all has been so good. I have managed to overcome the triggers that I haven't managed to avoid, but there are quite a few I still haven't had to come up against. I hope that I am strong enough to carry on doing as I have been. There are some that I know will be very hard, but I think I can do it. Am certainly going to try anyway. Each one I beat is one more down towards me becoming an honest person. May not make me better, as people have had a certain view of me but that is down to the fact that there is a lot about myself that I have kept hidden from people. Is that normal behaviour? Surely it must be. Or do I have that much to work on and overcome still? There is no deviant behaviour, or anything self destructive or anything like that, but still, is anyone ever really accepted for who they truly are deep down? All the secrets, the things about yourself that you know but would rather never came to light. Is going to be tough, but it is what it is.

I am sitting in front of a woman; all the women in my youth either physically tortured me; or mentally made me feel like wanting to kill myself. So far, I have not felt extremely threatened by her. We'll see. She gave me a list of "Rights" that I shared were in a book I own by Charles Whitfield "Healing The Child Within". So far, no pearls of wisdom, but I am going to hang in there with her for a while to see if I can learn any life lessons from this seemingly nice woman who is married, has children, and grand-children. Jade.

i have lost interest in Councillors trying to tell me theres someting left. after an hour with them i still have to go home to my problems.there is a time to stop dreaming and a time to climb off the roller coaster trying to get interest in anything you know will fail or just get forgoteen about takes energy i no longer have,
at least i will leave the world smiling like i always said i would

Okay so I know this is going to be a lot to take in.. but take it in small peices.
Okay so first off some backstory:
Hi.. You can call me Katie, im a teenager and having a lot of trouble in my home life, I have a boyfriend who threatens to kill himself a lot and my dads an alcoholic, he is a recovering addict, and he once cheated on my mom. My mom on the other hand has horrible depression and anxiety. She said I could tell her if I was ever struggling with mental health but it's going to take me awhile to tell them. The way I combat these feelings I get about my family and friends is I self harm...a lot, don't eat, stay up late, and convice myself I'm okay when I'm not. Just tonight I cut about *mod edit* times on each arm.. I'm not sure how to help myself stop it I want to..
What I'm on here for:
I want to figure out ways to stop cutting and to tell my parents about cutting, my anxiety, and my depression. I have some friends I've told and they gave me some ideas I just want to be able to stop cutting before I tell them. I feel like I am insane and should be in a mental hospital because of the thoughts that run through my mind.
Next is I'll give you some things I thought of tonight:
I thought for a long time about suicide and on why I shouldn't. I should be dead, I was a mistake. Why am I here just to get screwed over? why isn't it over. Why is anyone my friend I'm not a good friend. Why does anyone trust me. Why shouldn't I be dead. I miss my grandma I should see him (His story will be next) Why can't I tell my parents. I can't even tell my friends the whole truth.
My grandpas story:
When I was 2-3 We rushed to my grandparents house. My grandpa was about to die and he was waiting for me. When we showed up I ran inside and gave him a huge hug the help his hand kissing it once in awhile. I remember him shutting his eyes and everyone pushing me out of the way. I was really confused and he was rushed out the door (for now on this is my kid mind till the ☆ comes) He was put onto a stretcher and pushed over a green crayon colored in hill with flowers over it, over the meadow and off to the distance. ☆ I wasn't sure what my kid mind thought but thats one thing that's always been my trigger is someone saying something horrible about their grandparents because I didn't know my grandpa well but he was and always will be a huge influence on my life.
Oh my lord if you read all of that thanks haha its a lot to take in and shouldn't be digested all at one time. Thank you so much again I just kinda needed to organize my thoughts.