What kind of girls; women I mean; do I want to meet!
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When I was very young in junior high! I figured no girl would like me! no one liked me anyway! I was a throw away! I met a girl that I liked and liked me because I liked her! but I thought; no one else! later; I some girls liked me because I was funny!
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Then Im in college; and a strange thing happens; a guy at a party; his girlfriend came over with him and she really liked the way I looked! I caught me off guard! I did not care because I was so mental at the time; I cared about nothing! However, what I didnt realize; and didnt care about; girls liked me!
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later, they will show their faces; but Im completely messed up! they thought I was sexy! I was not home or present!
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I was ruptured in high school; my nervous system! I had no one and I was over ran as a human being; I just wanted to go home!
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Later, in my 20's I had the most beautiful women like me; like out of a Ms Universe contest; You cant go any higher then that! thats it; and I had it! And I did not know what to think! I know now! I was one of those guys; few guys that could get women like this naturally! and I did! or could! and it never stopped!
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Ive been around beautiful women and Ive gotten nothing from them; absolutely no where and nothing!
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Women can use their looks to have several men at the same time! And the problem is; they never go any deeper to have the man they really want; they dont need to have a man they really want because they can get a strong man to give them what they want! they dont need to ask if this is their best friend! makes no difference!
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Ive gotten nothing from being around physically beautiful women accept headaches because they have other men in their lives or children by them! Or their easily in a relationship or out of one! They learn how to stalk guys that they want!
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I just want a girlfriend; a best friend to walk on the beach! I don't really care that much whether she's the prettiest girl! I just want a best friend! Im so sick of good looking women; Im so tired of them! They compete me against other guys! its heart shattering! Its like being on a giant baseball field playing a competitive game!
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I just want a girlfriend! Im worth much more then this!
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Allot of girls that are really good looking are predators! or users of people! they can be spoiled! Not all of them! Some are down to earth nice people; but seriously! I get tired of them because I want one of them to be my wife or best friend; and I find out they are just predators and theirs nothing behind it; their interest! Their attracted but not interested or their interested but not for long! Some other strong man comes along and they go with him; or their playing both of us at the same time; I dont want to go out with someone like this; I dont even want to be in the same room with someone like this!
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Im seriously asking God to bring me to my people! An intelligent sensitive people that are friendly and nice! and within that group; find a girl I can love! we can sit in a room full of old heirlooms and appreciate them! cultured people!
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At times; some of the women that liked me claimed they were cultured; they lied! inside; they were more pathological; nothing more! monsters!
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So; Im getting closer; really close to getting God to get me to the next level! I kind of know what it is!
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Im scared; scared of being hurt; scared of dealing with one more person that does not value me or leads me on to throw me away!
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Predators hear my words and about my past; then they groom and act like their taking an interest! then suddenly turn on me and their with another man and then they flaunt that man in front of me and act all cozy and accepting of each other; like new love! it makes me sick; its an act of relational aggression against me! Suddenly I stop and think; i dont need to be apart of this! God can take me...

[ Continued ]

Phase serious; The point of the Phase serious is 2 areas of interest;
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1. TO create live music and perform it live
2. A Girl friend
3. Car; Transportation...
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I am adding third area; ( car); dont know why; Its added; Universe is speaking to me...
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Problems dealing with creating music for live work is solved; The ability to perform beginning pieces is solved... Thank you Universe and everyone else for helping me including this site for letting me write my stuff out... Does not mean its any easier or that I want to follow through. Just means the mental illness part of my life is not stopping me anymore. Everything else might; but I dont have to write about that all the time. My primary writing is about mental illness and how it blocks me from dealing with reality; thus; blocking me from dealing with my problems.
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2. Girlfriend. For this to happen I must release all past associations; information concerning First Love. She must go...
She is a lie; Everything surrounding her was a lie... SHe was a sociopath and a pathological liar. I made the mistake of collecting evidence when I first met her that led me to the conclusion she was mistreated by her parents but a wonderful sensitive person. I was wrong; I was mistaken; It was 2 late; she was just like her parents by the time I met her... It was in her personality; nothing I could do; she showed signs of psychopathy. Later things will get alot worse; AT That time Im already suckered in; I have no idea what is happening and Im already being dumped and discarded before I know what hit. I was totally confused and destroyed and devastated.
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I am now getting over that devastation;
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Signs are showing up that
1. She means nothing to me; She is and was a sociopathic criminal; nothing more. Nothing there. I have sick feelings toward this person; and nothing more; fear and disgust.. Im losing any other feeling base... These type of people make me sick to my stomach...

2. Because God has helped me slowly open up who this really is; was; Im finding my whole mind; when thinking about her; able to want to switch her out; switch out the whole of that thinking memory system; it all goes for a few second; She( the whole thing disgusts me) This suggests nothing but a disgust for this person and very little or no empathy about her... She is or was a demonic element.. ANd my mind is now switching her off completely with focussed agreement. This means part of me is not fighting it anymore. THe child in me and my soul and me now agree with the evidence the universe has presented; THis was a psychopath nothing more... I ran into a psychopath; that's all that happened here. I payed for it; Now its time to get rid of her presences within me; all so I can live a relational life again.
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3. God did not send me to this person. THis person was not of God; I thought God was behind me on bringing her into my fold where she could be loved was a complete mishap; a mistake; a mistaken identity.
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The point of all this; its starting to crack or break or shatter open a bit... The whole of the system (HER)that has been controlling me for years... THe idea of; if i let go of the memories and identity of this person; I lose her for ever; I will die!. God has shown me just what this person was. This was no one to have ever met.. This Jackal was not for any normal citizen to get involved with.
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4. The ability to live without her memory is getting better; Im getting relief and Im getting stronger( within reason; I was shattered her; I am seeing differences and changes). I have a life I can create outside now. I can learn. Im better then being around scum that offered me crumbs... I mean seriously; I was weaseled out of even remembering my worth and value; I had everything flipped upside down... By the time she was done; I was the one groveling on the ground like a broken lunatic who had lost my life. THats because...

[ Continued ]

Only answer would be because both adults have risen to this path to survive the loss of eachother...
Lieing cheating deceiving become inapplicable, when the choice is sound safe and equelly desided.

I was born when my parents moved to Villa Park.. 20 miles away from Chicago... on some street...

MY parents and my Sister were already having problems. My Sister loved my Dad.. Daddies girl... and she hated her Mom... so OCD like and never giving her a break. My Father always stood up for her and she had an advocate.

MY sister had a bunny rabbit.. don't know it's name... just that it had a cage and a place, a tiny little dwelling that you could put straw in for the winter and it would live there thoughout the seasons. My Dad was into tools... and carving... making things for her. When ever there was an arguement Dad was there for her... for my Sister.

When My Dad died she was heart broken and told me that she wished it was my Mom who had died... not Dad. A life I never knew... on That Melrose Park Road somewhere...

At thirteen after a short stay on some street... They moved to a street called Myrtle... in Villa Park... and that was where my life really began. At two years old... I was taken to a bigger house.

On Murtle...

Everything was basically OK. I was a hyper kid, full of energy... but at two years old I developed something different than most kids. I would rock myself to sleep in my crib. Bottle fed, with not much holding according to my 13 year old Sister, I learned to quiet myself by rocking back and forth, lying on my side shifting my shoulders making my had role back and forth. ANd when I grew to be to big for my crib... I did that before I slept... on the floor anywhere I could find.

They took me to a psychiatrist. "OH, he is intellegent! He needs more stimuli. Just give him toys he can put together." I liked that... not only did I put things together... I took everything around me apart... like stove... the washing machine and anything I could find.. and did this thing I call "rolling." Lie on your side and just keep rocking your shoulders with your head back and forth repeating the same tune notes over and over. (I remember those notes...)

Then, my 13 year old sister left home. She couldn't take it anymore with my over controlling Mother, feeling so sad for my Dad, Having a child... which really pissed them off... my dear nephew... who I love like a dear brother...

I remember... listenening to Hermits Hermits, and the Beatles in "her" room, dancing with her to dances of the sixties... the conversations in my little nursery (5 year old cell) where my sister and I would talk through a grate... a heating duct that supplied heat to both are room, but was a straight shoot from my little room to hers.. talking... just talking... hoping Mom would not here, until she yelled at us to be quite... and that was over... my sister... no longer a sister but now a distant aunt type person...

I was now alone.

MY life consisted of this. My Father? A person who sat in his chair.. reading a paper. If I said something I would get an answer... no iddle chit chat... not like my sister. But, my Mom, full of chit-chat. And... it was all discipline. Nothing else. My advocate was my Mother.

My Mother had a rules.. Really two rules for bringing me up.

The second rule was to be a good man.
The first rule was to be an extension of my Mother's ideas.

My Mothers ideas. Always please the neighbors! First order of business. The neighbors must see you as my perfect child... I don't want any neighbors to come to me and say you have done anything wrong. This is the cardinal rule. So, you must be better than any onther kids.

1. If the kids stay out to late... you come in much earlier.
2. If the kids go into others yards... you better not be with them
3. If I say kid is bad... you will never associate with them
4. No matter how I feel... headache, upset or anything that makes me in a foul mood, shut up!
5. Children Should be seen not heard.
6. Children only belong in the places I specify. The basement in the corner over there, or the den... bedrooms are made for sleeping, and people...

[ Continued ]

I'm new to this so I'm not exactly sure if I'm doing this right, but hopefully someone will be able to help me. I have noticed when I get angry, my adrenaline seems to rush, completely out of control. I black out, and when I come to I have seriously messed someone up. After I come out of the black out though, I'm nauseated, weak, and very emotional. I'm not typically a violent person, and my black outs don't always lead to fights, but my more severe ones do. I try to avoid confrontations because of this because I'm 5'2 120 lbs and have put grown men in the hospital with no recollection of how. It takes quite a bit to get me to this point, but I can't control it. It's like one minute I feel I have the situation under control, and the next I'm walking away shaking and crying. I know this probably sounds crazy but it doesn't happen often, and it's always caused by someone confronting me.