So; I deal with my first interactive crisis as being my new person… After taking an interest in her; Im ghosted. No problem; I did see her again in a meeting place; I ignored her but if I didn’t completely ignore her. If Ieven looked up; she is right there to check me; I can feel and see it; that she took it as her catching me looking her; ego boost. Her Ego Boost. So; I lose my position of power with her… Why; because thats all the importance I have with her… When in reality; I actually liked her because I thought she would be someone I could get to know and talk to; that idea was all wasted on the wrong person.
She is not trying to get to know me. I basically never retext her. I just walked away… But Ive found; no matter what I do; she will gas light me every time I see her….
I got emotionally invested to early. I just thought the person was sincere. She had no interest in me; she was just getting my attention for a moment. She kind of flipped the script on me. My innocence and decency were weaponized against me. I just never saw her like that the few times I talked to her…
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So; it begins…
However; because Im getting more confident around women; One women kind of suggested that she was going to the park to feed the ducks; I suppose I could have asked this new person if I join them; I thought maybe thats what she was implying. So; that takes things to the next step. That means I move on completely. This is not my friend.
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And I have to move on. Im just being played by fools…. Maybe Im actually wrong; but I doubt it. I don’t think anything is here; I was interested in her; she has no interest in me; And knowing this and working with God; I move on. I tell God; “ If you sent her to me God; she is causing violations”.
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What Im saying; I have to work with God; and move on completely and learn about abundance!
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I must work with God and let God bring more women to my life…
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I have to get to the point that I never look at this person ever again for any reason… And their it is. Im being played..
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GOAL;
The goal is to start moving on…..
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Really moving on!
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I will never see this person again; and their it is… Thats the way it goes. Im just starting out; and my mistakes and being around the wrong people will happen.
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So; this is a good lesson concerning God help me and me depending on God to move on.
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This is the big lesson to learn…. Ive been played; it will happen again. And maybe she never played me; she simply had no interest in me but was polite…
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I must get on my knees and pray and start again and keep going...and I will, Am.
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Im not good enough or experienced enough with women and relationships; to be enough for a person like this; instead; I don’t have all those things I need to associate with.
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Here behavior doesn’t align with my standards….
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I don’t barter
I don’t beg
I don’t plead…
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I never and never come back ever… And their It always has bee
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So; my ego has to be reduced in this; as I thought that maybe I was liked by someone; but I was wrong. So I have to go on forward….
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This was never my friend. I was dismissed.
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and another women came along right after this that would have maybe gone and fed the ducks with. But I didn’t ask; but it looked like the opportunity was present.
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Ill keep working with God and imagine new people; Please God; please help me; Amen.
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Mountain biking;
Well; after 10 years and saving allot of money and going into dept and accepting the price of a new mountain bike; I just bought one. I had to work with God until I was simply doing what God said; because I allowed to receive this direction from God. I had to get below God and learn to take directions from God.
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I made a mistake. I make mistakes all the time… if I would just stay inline with my inner being; and learn that lesson;
Im costing myself self destruction and masochism… I was s...

[ Continued ]

So; some of the girls in this recent episode of my development; They are truly not my friends. I got played or worse. What ever that can be. They are cold as ice with me as if I never met them; they could care less who I am; if they ever see me again; Nothing. I was simply put in my place by them. I assume a game they were playing with other women in the group to push it and see if they could put me in my place. They are certainly not friends of mine.
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How do I feel; Nothing! Im not stupid enough to fall for those things. Would I did do was fall inline with my higher power and allow my higher power to send me in a direction; and it happened and I gained advantage and experience; It was like a quantum shift; what happened. With in a few weeks to a month. I became popular with many women; and thus was see by other women and noticed and some of them taking notice began to call me out. I; in my innocence; actually had no reason to believe anything other then; they were genuinely interested in me; They were not; they were cold heartedly playing me with absolutely no interest in ever talking to me or seeing me again. They could care less who I am or that they ever saw her heard me speak or ever met me for the short time they did.
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This is what I know. I have to slowly allow God to take me over into the next threshold. It is upon me.
Ill explain.
This girl that played me. She actually allowed me to gain some very important experience down my God Pathway toward my wife; but first toward opening up to the world and dating again. I came within the last moment of actually dating someone again after numerous years out of the circle of this kind of thing.
In order for me to date; I have to be back in; in with people; with society; back in with women; within the middle circle. And that is what is happening. God made it happen…
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However; I never was able to follow through; I never received another text and the person has never talked to me since; and appears to act like I have never met her… I can see the hostility and contempt in her face; a kind of anger and stern hatred of no interest for me.
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Ive stayed to my myself now; from that crowd. Im no longer around any of those people. Im not popular anymore; I literally dislocated myself from those people. And im not popular anymore.
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After all of this; other events occurred in a truly favorable manner… a real intimacy night with many of us in the recovery process sitting and talking about dating. It was truly God created. I was in shock this would ever happen for me; to feel “ IN” again like this; like feeling like I belonged to one big family.
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Then; ;later; a week later; I told the story of change. And another women spouted out; Hey I think Im going to the park and feed the ducks after the meeting. That would have been a cue for me to meet up with this other person and feed the ducks with her; thus establishing a kind of date. And that would have pulled me over into that world… Im that close… But I didn’t; I know the person. But just didn’t jump on that situation. Another will occur.
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So; Im in this place. God wants me to learn abundance! That means; theirs more then one girl on planet earth; I may have to learn what women have to deal with in life; Having numerous girl in waiting because I don’t know which will strike that match between us. I might try out several God has sent but for what ever reason; it never happens. And then finally with enough experience; Ill be so close to meeting the right one; having us at each others frequency; It may be in walking distance that I find her. But only at that point of experience.
Im now moving into the frame of area; meaning that new describe place where I take women to the park and we feed the ducks. What ever that may mean; but it means; the beginning of actual dating. And I believe Ill meet many women first and get lots of experience under God with this...

[ Continued ]

At this point Im a guy that is 40 years behind… But; that is not the exact truth. But it is; The difference; Im actually out of my hidden shell; Ive done the work and kind of stepped outward for the first time. Im like someone 40 years younger but actually stepping out a bit for real.. Ive worked on my past; Im like present and beat up. Im here tho… Im weak but awake…
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Ive talked to women and had a little bit of popularity with women.. Ive had a few women Ive talked with; had some really good conversations; And for some; Ive gotten numbers; and with some Ive called and text a few times. But thinking I was close; I never got anywhere… I was ghosted…
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So; here I am. Im like “ OUT HERE”. “ OUTSIDE”.
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Id like to meet a thousand women and just start dating again. Im in that place; its very scary… really terrifying. Im in that learning place… re learning.
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Ill work with God to start over here and get started. The idea is to bring girlfriends back into my life… I have no past basically. No Past. Accept my mental illness problems.. Im better tho; but my mind is weak….
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And I have to learn to work with God and go forward… Im literally starting at the beginning.
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I mean that; Its like its Its like its 45-50 year ago. And Im starting out… Im OK; I have no experience. I don’t have confidence or do I like myself or not like myself.
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Im just someone trying to live my life…
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Im start over start really for the first time. No past…
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Many things I understand about my desires…
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The biggest challenge is with women. Breaking the code so I can date someone; have a girlfriend. Thats my interest; what Im working on under God.
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The goal is to work with God; And have God manifest what I want. So; Im not in control; God is.
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I have no idea what Im looking for in women; I just don’t know. I mean; I want someone beautiful and someone that is my best friend… Ill work with God on this… That is the goal.
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The idea of abundance with women is alien to me. But I have to understand I don’t know anything. Im learning this for the first time; much like a teenager learns this for the first time.
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I have to start out; I need helpers; people that want to help; that care.. Sent by God. So; they can help.
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Ill work with God on it. This part of my life is where Im at. And I want it to develop so I can be developed in this part of life.
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Im broken in this part of life and need help. So; Ill work with God and pray for help from God…
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I don’t have strength; I do but Im sensitive person. I need and want someone to talk to; to talk to her about her stuff and working her stuff out… interaction; Intelligence.
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Ill have to go through numbers. Meaning; Ill have to work through many people I guess until I meet the kind of people that respect me. Thats what Im looking for…
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When a women shifts Because I have no strength; I can show up for my struggle; torn destroyed; broken; beat up from the street up; I will never claim to be anything else; I would still be grounded in my mental illness problems; but grounded still; When a women's respect turns on me because of this stuff; I want the option to find a new lady; and get the Hell out of there…
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I need someone to be at my level; Ive got my problems and don’t want to hide them. I don’t want to hide my weakness; I just want to be myself and be liked for it.
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For a women who mis understands me; Id just assume move on…
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Im not a real man; I am a man…
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I just want to be myself; I don’t want to prove my manhood…
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I just am as I am…
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Im lost Im scared; I don’t know who I am; Listen to me. Be their for me; be interested in me. Be my support; meaning you got my back. I have to have a real friend…
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So; Finding these people. That is the goal.
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I want her as my rescue’r
As my best friend…
As my girlfriend.
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As what ever someone who is in honer with me; It mea...

[ Continued ]

GOALS:
I have several Goals and they are aligned with God.
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Wife; Family; Children; Marriage..
House
Car
Music room or studio/drum room; Drumming
Money;
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Activities;
The ability to have full functioning back to create in; Music; Art: Writing… And performing. The ability to learn guitar or play it as a main or secondary instrument…
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Mountain biking; Having this back and up to speed.
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Occupation
Vacation
Education
Hobbies
Callings
Purposes…
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Where am I at in all of these goals.
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First; Many of the ACTIVITY goals are completed that needed restoration; In fact; I have nothing I need to report right now concerning Activities; Im function well in all areas right now under Gods care concerning Activities.
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Relationships;
What has been accomplished….
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1. General friends; Guy friends; Yes; Im back; its not perfect but almost together; well on my way…
2. Im also able to be resourceful and meet new friends and make new friends; it takes work but Im much more able; or spontaneous with new people.
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3.
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Im working on the next segment of my goals right now; Relationships. Im working on finding a wife; when I find her she will be my interest then my friend and girlfriend and go from there. So.
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Question; What am I looking for right now to accomplish; what is my goal; GIRLFRIEND… Romantic Girlfriend… complete. That is my number one goal right now. Anything less in this category; and it wont do… it has to be complete…. That is my goal and number one goal right now. Im now in the age or time of having and finding that girlfriend…
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What I want in a women; 2025
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History; Ive attracted beautiful women all my life; since age 19. These are women in looks between 8-10. Ive had 10’s before. Its been this way all my life. Im an old man now.
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Its done no good to be one of these guys who attracts these women. All I ever wanted was a girlfriend that liked me or missed me or choose’d me; they liked me for who I am and what I meant to them.
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Meaning; I meant something to them; They wanted to see me when they got up in the morning; because I meant something to them; or; they would miss me in their heart and soul.
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I wanted a womens heart. Its never happened; Unfortunately; Ive had everything else; every mans fantasy; 10000000 times…
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Guys like me attracted everyone everywhere I went. Id did me no good; It just freaked me out.
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The problem is; I could have anyone every man dreams of or is attracted to; But no one that actually sincerely liked me; someone whom I one their heart and they naturally wanted to hang out with me because we are best friends to go with it.
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As an old man; It dies; the physical attraction from women; Its still here but nothing like when I was a younger man… And thats OK.
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1. Ive had 10000000 girls like me; All the most beautiful girls of any community; but no one that liked me as a person; no one. SO; I could sleep with these girls anytime I want or marry them; but after awhile; why bother; their behavior is so atrocious; whats the point… They are literally relational Pathological.. They violate basic boundaries that let me know someone is safe or dangerous. They are spoiled and think they are above the normal rules of interaction when it comes to courting someone or dating or romance.. And very quickly I have no value for them.. They are weirdos in my opinion; and literally act retarded out of line. They are bossy idiots who think they are above moral societal laws. They want to be the center of attention.
Ive had a few psychopaths that look like the old style miss Universe; When the requirements was looks for them to win. They seemed sincere; but; what is the point. Why would I want to go out with a psychopath for; for what!
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In a real sense; Ive had no one; Ive never had a girlfriend; not in the traditional sense because I never went ou...

[ Continued ]