I wana write down some different thoughts down. 1) Its like my mission now is to piece together everything that I have ever thought and felt, in my mind I am telling myself that until I am able to do this I will not figure out what is making my mind not want to change and I wont be able to make it change until the jigsaw is complete-i see this as my task now! If any1 reads this,maybe u could tell me if you think this will work? 2) I am starting to realise that I think I have a real obsession with the mind-how it works,memory,visions,thoughs. I spend such big amounts of time thinking and evaluating the mind it can really get to much when this happens. 3) I wish I could be more open to my counselor, all these thoughts come into my head and I swear,i realy do try to say them but its like I literally cant speak them,it wierd-im sure this subconslouly though coz I realy do try bt its like my voice stops workin-it so fustrating! 3) Closure on everything. I been wordering if this is part of my ocd traits, like I think something and I feel so uneasy inside until ive done or said whatever it is-like it not finished in my head otherwise and il never stop thinking about it if I dnt do it. It great writing down these random thoughts.

I really really hate me today,i dnt no why I jst wont stop lookin in the mirror.all it is doin is makin me feel so sad,and so ugly and so...jst horrible. I keep telling myself that I know im nt as bad as I think I am.,but I cant help it. Had to go to hairdressers today to sort out my disaster yesterday.i cnt even look in the mirror without thinkin, 'who is that person,thats not me'. Was meant to b going to my lil boys friends earlier but I felt to consious about myself,like in her head (the mum) she would be laughing at me or feeling sorry for me...now we are meant to be going to my brothers...i hope it dont turn out like it did the other week,il end up walking out if it does. Oh well,here goes. I wish I could jst stay in for a month.x

I feel and look disgusting!! My own fault really,well partly. Lately ive thought that its been a good idea to cut my own hair,practicaly every week these last weeks ive changed my colour or style.ive never cut hair so I dnt really know why I thought I could do this, I been thinkin is it because its a way of tryin to change myself,not being happy with who I am. But anyway today I have completly ruined my hair,and im not jokin or paranoid,it looks disgusting...i feel disgusting. I dont know if it coz of how I feel about what ive done to my hair,partly so,but partly coz my friend wanted me to go swimming yesterday and I didnt want to,got me thinking how paranoid I am about my body if I ever go...and then got me thinking about how I hate my body. But now tonight,its like everything about me is just ugly or fat or just not good. I feel crappy,like I want to rip all the fat of me, I feel really quite ugly right now!! And I feel old and jst really rubbish with a stupid child stuck inside of me which just wont leave me alone! I am 30,let me feel like a 30 year old,why wont you just let me or you or whatever you are just grow up!! I dont understand why if I want you to leave me alone I cant just make u?!

Ive been feeling quite low all day today,my minds been thinking to much,it feels like something has changed inside my head...i feel energyless,like I could just sleep for a week...im hoping I will snap out of this soon. I dnt think it helps me keep watching the news bout all the riots, yesterday I felt so angry bout it all,now I just find it all so depressing thinking about the type of world we live in,it horrible and its making me feel really sad.

well today has been a pretty wierd day...think think think some more... now im just feeling sad and feel like a crappy mum, but im not, well i think im not..?? oh i dont know, maybe im not as perfect as i like to think i am..

today was meant to be a fun day out for me and my son...instead im looking back now and see that ive turned it into some kind of drinking session for me....well not quite???or maybe...we still had a fun day but it wasnt how it was planned.

du know i dont know what to think about myself any more...i feel completly lost right now, have done all day...if im honest this last week ive not really been feeling so right feeling bit confused about everything, fed up, lost blah blah blah...my thoughts and feelings have been so scattered, even more so today. Du know, just a short while ago, i calmly looked in the mirror and in my mind said and thought to myself about just slowly cutting all the way down my arm...like it was nothing...like that was the most normal thought in the world, like it was the most normalest thought to do such a thing just to release some feelings which i couldnt even place, then i imagined just scraping and cutting all over the whole of my one arm completly. what the hell??

I hate me right at this moment in time...i hate that i care so much,about what people think of me, about what i think of others, about how messed up, sad and sacry this world is....no one would care if i died...actually sorry thats a lie, thats when people would care about me...when i am dead. people are so fake, i guarantee half the people who turn up at someones funeral wouldnt have been there for their wedding or birthdays etc... random, sorry, my mind is jumping from one thought to one thought to another flipping thought.

Du know,i dont know if i am coming accross like someone who thinks their better than someone else but im really not like that at all...really im not. it just earlier i felt like such a skank, honestly. me and my lil boy went into a pub in the city centre earlier to get some food (and obviously a drink for me, argh!!!) and of all the places to go in, all different types of places, i have to pick the one which im my polite way is not so nice...i thought to myself a lot why and i realised that even though i dont like seeing all these drunk old people and drunk young people, i feel most comfertable in places like that....but at the same time totally feel outa place there...its like going into a nice sophisticated place makes me feel like everone is watching me and that i shouldnt be there, its like i belong in the not nice ones why?? why do i feel ths?? i am nice...i think...sometimes, oh i dont know, ive only known myself for 30 years and i dont know me.



Meant to be going camping tomoz... me, my lil boy, his friend and her mum and sisters. kinda last minute and if im honest im not sure if ive ever been camping. I have a feeling i may have went when i was around 11 or something???but am not sure. I should be packing or something, considering it 10pm now and we leaving in the morning...........................maybe il just chuck a few bits in in the morning.

Meant to be seeing my counseller thursday so im gonna have to cancel... ...

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