ok, so im trying something new....i havent had a drink in the day for a while...but today i have had one...and am now having another...i hope this is not a test that will go wrong

It sounds really stuped saying a test coz thats not how i was thinking about it until i decided to write this blog..

I seem never to remember or understand why i do certain things because i literally forget... so im tracking it....why i am choosing to have a drink....coz i know that is what it is...a choice...

Ok, so, heres what i wrote on a scrap of paper earlier and then i wanna write some more...

'ok, so im not sure if im gonna have this one small drink...the reasons why -
I feel better (different) today in comparrison to these last days...i think???...i could be dancing around tidying up to my music - then my mind overtakes trying to work out how i feel...i cant work it out - its just changing back and forth to how i THINK i feel...one minute i think i should be or am happy, then depressed, hyper, etc etc...then back around them all again..

If i have a drink my feelings will be more concrete and stable - even if not the right emotion hopefully it will just be one...im sick of not knowing how i feel or trying to feel a certain way

Having one drink now.....'


Ok so i wrote that half hour ago, now i have drink number 2...and this is where it stops today...

I now have drink number 2 as drink number 1 has seriously almost stablised my mind to....mmm..still not sure what, but it is as it is and it is not skipping all over the place trying to find where i belong today - i think it feels cool...better anyhow...more stable

Before i had the first drink i was imaging and almost about to self harm...not cutting but i just wanted to dig my nails as far into my stomach as possible and just pull at me...just coz i wanted to feel something...hurt myself??? maybe...still confused...but only when i keep thinking about that...

I guess now i can concentrate at the fact that i have had a drink and how i shouldnt have....

It has given me some sort of feeling that i understand...at least for a while.

really having a crappy time...i thought this would have all passed...but it hasnt

Im fed up, im tired, im nervous, im confused, im angry, im sad, im bored

Its like ive given up on even trying to feel happy...why just to fake inside, be false to other people...now i almost feel given up to even bother trying to happy...

I wish i had an off button, i would sooooo seriously just turn it off.

Why has death got to be soooo fcking confusing and hard, why cant it just be simple....why cant i just know that if i was gone my son would be ok, why????????????

I am soooo selfish for even talking like this.

by the time i finish this rant im sure my mood will have passed....

Im so pissed off, pissed off with everyone, everything, every talks to much, their noise just gets into my head and i cant hear them, its they hurt my ears when i just want silence going on in my head for a while. Im pissed off with people but im mainly pissed off with me because of the way i take things, the way i percieve things, the way i think and feel, the way i care and worry, the way i love and just want to be loved...i am not bad so yet why do i feel like i am...am i wrong or are they wrong...either im mad and paranoid or they are!!

Well short break over.head was becoming a bit of a mess before i came away. Now on way home. To be fair in comparison to how i felt coming away there a big difference- i think im worrying myself that when we arrive home things will just be the same. Guess il just have to wait and see! Hopefully things will be amazing, il never be sad,angry,hurt,paranoid etc etc ever ever again... What a thought hey! I wish i could go away for lil short holidays every time my head becomes a bit to much,it would really help i think. However ive convinced myself that whilst ive been away my mum has been snooping round my house.I have no reason to believe this but growing up she often looked through my room and I know for a fact she did in my first house. Guess ive never forgot this.

11am - Today I am excited! Which is very different to yesterday! dnt get why but I am loud and silly and bit hyper. Hope I remain this,dnt wana feel like yesterday again today. I am annoying myself a bit thow.