Random thoughts as im sat on a bus. 1. A thought about why my memory could b so bad; because the way I have always felt has over occupied my mind,there was no room to actually store any memories...this is why the only year and a half my memories are a little more clearer and freqent is the time I spent fightin for me and my adopted son to become a family whilst living in a strange country. This is the only time I ever felt a meaning to my life, someone so small and precious who also had nobody, we became one.x. Ok,no more random thoughts as im getting off bus now.x

Du know i really am finding these blogs quite helpful in tracking some of my thoughts; even if only a few of them.

I just went to turn my light off to go to bed and i spotted a picture of my nan and grampy - i find it really sad that i dont really have any memories of them i think i was around 9 when they died and it makes me so upset that even at age 9 i barely have any real memories of pretty much anything. Its like most of my life is one big blur and that i am only the person i am now at this moment in time, its like past me's are not the me now because i dont remember being any of them and im sure that future me's wont remember present me either, which again i find really sad and a little bit confusing as well!!

Anyway ive sidetracked - surprise surprise ha! So i seen the picture and all of a sudden this massive wave of guilt rushed over me and it was like i could see in their faces that they believe that i am talking about my mum negatively and how i am going to end up hurting her if all that i feel comes out and how im wrong for how im feeling ...and now im starting to feel that what if everything has all been in my head, if my memory is this bad how do i really know if what i know is even real I hate not having a proper memory sooooo much, its like im always trying to piece together this puzzle but no matter how hard i try i can never figure it out because that puzzle is life and life doesnt stop and the more life goes on i have more lost memories to try and find and piece together. I know i dont need to figure out all this stuff but my mind wont let me stop trying to remember my life....I WANT TO REMEMBER MY LIFE THOUGH...i really do...or maybe im better of not remembering because i know that most of the time inside of me always felt sad.

Now i just feel guilt...and sadness and almost like a sadness for the other me's because no one remembers or cared for them, not even me i think that sounds pretty wierd!!!

im soooooooo excited.....today i had an idea...tomorrow im gonna implement it. I am going to change mine and my sons name by deed poll. I had a thought and i dont care what friends or family say to me...if i got married it would be expected of me to change my name...but to be honest if i got married i probably wouldnt take on their name...so why not choose a special name that has a meaning to me and my lil boy...then we will be at the top of a new family tree. my son will carry the name forward if he in the future has children....how cool would that be to start a family tree.....

yep, i make rash decisions, maybe not always right ones...but at least i do what i say....well most of the time...well some of the time...new surname...how exciting

ok, so i think im really begining to tell when my mood changes...which is a good thing i guess...but i didnt realise how often it did. like today, after yesterdays big argument and not being unable to get rid of how i felt inside, its like it all fermented inside and other things that i began to think about got added and woke up feeling quite depressed and low...now after thinking about how i hate feeling depressed and sad inside and how i want it to go....without even realising all of a sudden i began to feel hypo manic feelings, now all i wanna do is put on music, sing and shout at the top of my lungs, jump around over all the furniture with my boy, and believe justfor a while i in a rock band ha....and then go out and rule the world......ok, not quite rule the world ha...saying that i reckon id do a better job of how the world goes on at the moment.....watch this space,hahaha.

They make me sooooo angry i cant even believe it, it physically and mentally impossible for me to keep calm around them, i try so hard but its like they play around with the switch and its like their in control of me, not me. Second by second by second its like i can feel all these things that ive been trying to deal with and think about lately, the things my family did and the things my family didnt do whilst i was growing up. All these things they are quite oblivious to and so i try so hard to keep all this that ive been thinking about from coming out of my both, but it just reaches a point where it just explodes from within. He can be so nasty and mean and he is such a bully to me, he may have bullied me for the whole time i grew up but this shouldnt still be happening, alright it might not be in all the same ways, but still, just fxxk off and just leave me alone. They all made me the way i am and they have no fxxking idea, none!! I am just looked upon as the daughter or the sister who gets angry, they dont get it...i have to try really really hard, even more now not to let them know how much they hurt me growing up and how much i have always felt so alone because they chose not to protect me either. I dont ever want a conversation about it with any of them...i know i crave love, support and affection....but there seriously no way i ever want this from any them. I will never be able to ever get accross to them any of how i feel because i can see it now...it wasnt like that tracey, your memory must be wrong, we were always there for you, we love you....well love means alot. it doesnt just mean one thing...love is meant to mean caring for someones emotional needs and well being as well, well that where you failed on me them isnt it....obviously coz of how messed up my brain often feels....especially right now. i wanna punch something, me or a wall i dont fxxking care to be honest, or i wanna cut myself...or i just wanna get really fxxking drunk....but at the same time im trying so hard to acknoledge that this is just a trigger and i can turn back from this....................................well i dont know if i want to...i dont want to just sit here twiddling my thumbs trying to get this feeling away, i want to get rid of these feelings...these ways are the only ways i know how...

Mybe i should move, just one day, me and my lil boyjust leave...im never gonna be happy having to see them all the time, pretending or actually believing they are all so fxxking perfect and innocent and it must all be tracey.