I wish I could go back to the second, before the minute, before the hour, before the day, before I met him.

I would have done something different.

Why him?
Why not somebody else?
Why not anybody?

It was "chemistry", he says.
It was my baseline.

He's "logical" and pragmatic.

They all are.

They're all intelligent
They're all powerful
They're all charismatic
They're all able to "keep it together"
They're all all pursued by women

But...

This is *different*...
Chemistry?
Soul-mates?

He can't function during the day.
His thoughts are of [trophywife]
He ponders that "there's this think with [trophywife], that I don't understand."

But...

I get it.

Not again...

Not him. He's nice, I *like* him.

He tells me of a "lady he met"

I am happy and wish him well...

He's perplexed. I'm confused.

No contact.....
Contact...

That "thing didn't work out."

I am sorry for him... He seemed so happy.

Now...

He wants "intimacy and lovemaking...no sex."

He's screwed countless women in a year...

Why NOW????? Is intimacy desired?

This is different...

I believe it *might* be...

But...what is different?

I think I * want to try to* love him.

So, I think it's different.

But...

No contact

I would prefer to just receive a wedding invitation
That why I know he's loved...

But...I wish I could *want to try to * love him...

Trophywife

My children are kind.
My children are silly.
My children are witty.
My children love and respect nature.
My children are pretty radical badasses.
My children are smart.
My children love me.
My children taught me how to love.

Thank you babies... Mommy loves you.


Dx: HPD- Spectrum

What I learned from men:

1- I value you because you are pretty.
2- I devalue you because you are pretty.

3- I expect you to be flirty, bubbly and "perform on cue"
4- I expect you to NOT to be flirty, bubbly and "perform on cue."

5- You are expected to be sexually available, at all times.
6- You are not expected to be sexually available, at all times.

7- You are a dirty little whore! And I LOVE IT! I will ###$ you all night long!!!
8- You are a dirty little whore! And I HATE IT! I won't ###$ you ever, and DARE YOU TO ###$ someone else!

9- I LOVE THE WAY I FEEL WHEN I'M WITH YOU!
10- I HATE THE WAY I FEEL WHEN I'M WITH YOU!

11- I love that you allow me to be free! You don't crowd my space nor demand my time! You clearly LOVE ME!
12- I hate that you allow me to be free! You don't crowd my space nor demand my time! You clearly DON'T LOVE ME!

13- You are the "prettiest, smartest girl in the room", and I love that about you!
14- You are the "prettiest, smartest girl in the room", and I HATE that about you!

15- I LOVE that everyone loves you!
16-I HATE that everyone loves you!

I can go on...but I have to actually go out into public and run errands and hope to make it back without being called a "@@@@@@@" or "stuck-up" for not shapeshifting my day to appease the 5+ men who will want my undivided attention.

Yeah...Lessons learned. Now off to try and "date" someone.

Thanks guys...


DX: HPD--spectrum, ( non-pathologic, empathic, appeasing, early discarding)
Education: doctorate
Appearance scale: 9.5+ (H/W ratio .7)
lifetime prospective marriage proposals : 6
Married- 1
Divorced- 1 (NPD-malignant, abusive)