My guilt, my embarrassments, my burdens, my secrets... Oh joy.

1. I stole a pair of shoes in grade 4 from a black kid named Derek.
2. Tried a cigarette, ONCE. Stole it from mum. Went on top of the dirt hill, I felt cool. But never did it again. It's disgusting.
3. Put needles in my stepmothers food 6 times when I was younger. She never found out if was me.
4. And I never told her. Or anyone.
5. I am came across gay Japanese porn by accident. And I like it.
6. Dated a girl once in grade 8, just because. I'm not lesbian, I just did. We kissed on the lips for a mili-second, after being dared by my 'friends'.
7. Began cutting myself in grade 7.
8. I only cut myself because I like how it looks. I don't show it to other people or let anyone catch a glimpse. But I like how it looks, I don't know why.
9. Severely beat my cat Max. He still loves me.
10. Hung my cat Max with yellow rope from my kitchen counter a few times. Yeah, he still loves me.
11. Burned over 30 diaries and counting out of disgust with my mothers lighter.
12. I would lie on a daily basis, and think nothing of it. Only recently have I stopped.
13. I've stolen a lot of stuff from friends.
14. I used to spit on my sisters pillow everyday when I lived with my dad.
15. I have suicidal thoughts very often.
16. I've only actually tried to kill myself maybe 10 times? I don't think anyone knows.
17. Even when I asked for counselling to make myself feel better, let it all out: I lied to my doctor. I said I never had suicidal or homicidal thoughts.
18. I frequent bestgore dot com to watch videos of people dying and look at photos of brutally murdered/killed corpses.
19. I believe in God. And I believe that I am going to hell.
20. I don't think I'd ever be able to get a husband, because I can never be the real me.
21. I think deep down inside, I could be a slut. But everyone thinks I'm innocent.
22. I'm much too paranoid these days.
23. I love the attention I get from being the 'foreigner' in Japan even though I'm shy.
24. If I could murder someone, I would murder my brother Pierce. The bastard.
25. I manipulate people and lie much too often even when there isn't a need.
26.Some days I think I'm cute. Other days I think I'm disgusting and wear mask over my face. (Yeah, the SARS masks you see Asians wearing all the time.)
27. I really just want someone to talk to.
28. I think I have attention issues.
29. I think about kissing and hugging a lot.
30. I want my skin back.

I noticed I hadn't come to this site for all of February. I turned 17 on the 9th of February. Nothing important. I'm still in Japan, wasting away being a fake little lunatic. The real me hates me. Why? I'm a cheerleader in a Japanese highschool. If 36 would stop hiding, this would have never happened, I could have joined tea club and drank tea in the corner while listening to the brass band newbies conjure up horrible screeches and buuuuuds.

I'm going to confess everything I've felt bad about doing tomorrow. All of the things I've done and do that I am ashamed of, love, and anything that guilts me.

There goes another day. I've mastered the splits on my left side now. Don't lie to yourself. Fine, I've ALMOST mastered. I'm so close.

The legend of Korra is despicable and I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to the actual release of the episodes.

Hm. I think I'm going to ramble on about love. Why? Because I'm a selfish teenager with a complex that someone out there wants to read my stupid blog. I know nobody does. But it gives me minuscule amounts of peace. Yeah right.

I don't think I have the right to label it as 'love'. I'm only 17. I blame it on the folly of youth. Regardless.

So that boy I 'love'. The adorable good grades, funny, swimming club, slightly tall, adorable hair, adorable voice, adorable EVERYTHING Japanese boy. Yeah. I 'confessed' to him. Confessed sounds so serious. Either way, I confessed to him.

We were walking off the escalator of the Sakuragicho mall. I don't know the name. We were walking off. Got near the miniature bridge thing. Then he stuck out his and smiled. He had held my hand before when we had gone out together. (No, I didn't consider any of those dates). I never thought he liked me. I mean, just because we held hands doesn't mean he likes me.
Besides, the first time we had held hands, he had said adorably in horrible English, "I want to hold your hand." I didn't reply in English because I didn't want to ruin it. So I asked him why. He said, "It's difficult to explain..." paused, and then said again in adorable Japanese-English, "My hand is cold."

So I thought. What the hell (yeah right, more like SCORE!!!!). We held hands. I practically jizzed rainbows. That was that. Everytime we have gone out now, near the end when we walk to the subway, he holds my hand. I thought he was being insensitive. Why?

-Well you see, I once had a crush (big shock there) on a Chinese boy back in Canada, I'll call him Leung. (If you haven't noticed, I like Asian guys. So sue me.) Because this was in grade 9 and I can't hide my emotions when I like someone at all, a somewhat friend/acquaintance had told Leung I liked him during the middle of English Language Arts class. I died ten fold.

Either way, he knew I liked him. After that, he decided to toy with my feelings by sending me mixed signals (that I know were not true). He would purposely do things to get me nervous. I'm very shy, and blush a lot more than I should. For instance, we were on the bus and he just happened to be there (it was an accident). He somehow sneaked his way over and pretended not to notice me, and had part of his arm or whatever touch me. UGH WHAT A STUPID KJDHFLHIERICN.

--Back to what I was talking about. So yeah. I assumed he knew (via my obvious messages) that I liked him, and he just liked seeing me react to it all.

Yeah. Then I confessed to him. I told him that I like him. Face blushing, I stared at the concrete. Heck knows how long we stood there, it's become all muddled in my mind. Either way, there was an awkward silence. But then he laughed, called me 'baka' which pretty much means stupid (but he meant it in a teasing way) poked my cheek, and stuck out his hand again. Then we walked back to the station. I refused to look at his face and everytime he tried to look at me I looked away. Why? Because I'm smooth as a cat brush. Yeah, no.

As we were walking he said, (in Japanese, mind you) "If I didn't like you too, I wouldn't be holding your hand". Because I was brain dead, I was like, "What the hell did he just say?" And didn't even realize so I was like, "Ehh? I don't get it."

ANYHOO. Turns out he likes me. He messaged me explaining it later because I'm too much of a moron. And besides, this is Japan. The topic of love is usually played out by the woman. I.E, the confessions and shtufff...

[ Continued ]

Yes, yes it has been a while. A bit too long, I think. Shame on you for not returning. I'm sorry.

I grow tired of my flesh. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. I want someone to talk to, but there is nobody here. I can't call anyone, I can't hug anyone. I'm dying inside and I can't breathe. It feels like... that feeling you get when you pop out of the water in a pool after holding your breath for a long time. That weird feeling you get in your stomach and lungs.. almost like.. you just want to yawn and continue yawning to make the feeling go away but it won't. It stays. I don't agree with KONY2012 because it's all a hoax. And I don't think I ever will. But either way, I can't sleep.

I'm feeling very lonely right now.

And my eyes feel dry.

I think maybe my host mother and brother don't like me very much. There's still about 6-7 months 'till I go home. I can do this... I can do this.......