I ordered razor blades online and they should arrive sometime next week.
I don't know why but I'm looking forward receiving them.
I've always wanted to see and hold a razor blade.

This morning was crazy.
I had been going through the internet about self-harm, seeing a lot of pictures and I didn't realise how triggering it is. I just can't stop thinking about cutting. I even learnt that you can unscrew the razor from a sharpener and use that.
So I did.
I must say it's such an appealing razor because of it's size. I've hidden it in my phone and I feel so crafty because of it.
I just spent the morning cutting little notches in my thigh. That was the first time I had ever cut there. My whole leg felt numb afterwards. After about 80 odd notches I felt really calm. I don't know if it was my body going in shock because it wasn't used to that or if that's the chemical reactions? that happen when you cut.
Needless to say, cutting extensively while sober is now freakishly addictive.

I'm new here, and I'm surprised at myself for actually joining a forum such as this.
I consider it the first step to healing myself.

I go by Tay and I'm 19.
I live in Australia and I'm not good at introducing myself at all.

I'm on this site because I can't keep my cutting a secret. I don't want to anymore...I don't know. I literally feel like I could explode. I just need another person to know this fact about me.

If anyone cares;
I'm not a consistent self harmer. I started when I was about 15 but that was only small cuts that would heal over time. It was only in 2010 when I had my stressful final year of school as well as some problems in the household that I developed a severe anxiety, the desire to cut deeper and a plague of suicidal thoughts.
In 2011, I fell out with most of my friends. I had nothing to do and nowhere to be I stayed home for months; sleeping my days away. All my insecurities got out of control and I starved myself. I felt fat and disgusting. I felt more alone than ever.
Late last year, on two drunken occasions, I just lost the plot grabbed a knife and went for it. No suicidal intentions, even though since then, I keep thinking about ending everything. Wondering why I haven't yet since I don't have much of a life anyway. I really do have nobody who I can trust to tell everything. And I don't think I'll ever have that because I'm generally not big on sharing my feelings.

I do want more than anything for someone to listen to me. I do have people I love, and in turn they don't find me that bad but I just can't go on that level with them. I just know their view of me would change. They'd have this association in the back of their mind 'oh, she cuts herself.'
I can just see it happening that way and I can't shake this fear of being seen differently because of some scars. Nothing scares me more than people seeing the real me. As to why I can pour all this out on the internet is beyond me.

Absolutely no one knows the inner turmoil that's inside. I am very good at avoiding subjects about myself. I am veryvery good at distracting people with their own lives so that they don't have to see what a horrible life I have. Because I'm not an expressive type, I've never been diagnosed for these problems I clearly know I have. I have to say, the best thing about me is my ability to take such pain. I am not scared at all to end things right now but I feel there's something better for me. I'm hoping there is. I also love my father too much to do that to him. It's a scary thought however, that once he's passed on I won't be too far behind.

I feel helpless to myself, to this person that I don't want to be. The fear is crippling and it's getting so hard to keep everything inside.
I just need some help.