Last couple have weeks have been all over the place. Have been looking after a friend who has terminal cancer and not long to go now unfortunatly...while staying with me he overdosed so this has really set me back. Hes doing ok now but i feel so guilty that i could let that happen while he was in my care so to speak.
I started drinking again "sigh"...another end to my sober days, i dont know how many times ive fallen off the wagon now. This lead to an impulsive episode of what you could call self destruction. A mix of self harm, then going for a walk late at night only to be picked up by the police on the motorway...
So following that, my mental health team put me into respite...for a few days, 8 days later they let me go. It was a much needed time out and gave me time to regather my thoughts and some form of focus.
This weeks had its ups and downs, been feeling really depressed again. Saw my psychiatrist last monday and he decided to increase my meds,
so now on 400mg quetiapine, 100mg nozinan, 60mg mirtazapine, 10mg propanolol, lorazepam (prn), zoliclone (prn).
The increase particually with the nozinan has given me chronic restlessness, to the point i cannot sit still even if i try, i have to get up and pace around the house or any movement just to get past the feeling. Also morning nausea, psych dr reckoned it was the zopiclone, said to cut down to 1 a night instead of 2, i quickly told him i had been taking 2 for several months without any nausea so it cant be that.
Monday this week i stopped taking all my meds, except the zopiclone otherwise ill never sleep.

So a week of facing the withdrawal side effects definitly hasnt been too nice. Fridays appointment with the psychologist lasted all of 20mins. My urge to go an drink got the better of me so i left, straight to the pub then to an old friends where we drank the day away....
Then the impulsive behaviour began, drink driving...in a car that has no rego or warrant, stopped by my old dealer and brought for the first time since March. I havent smoked it however, its still sitting on my kitchen table taunting me.

Got home last night and just broke down, i was scared of how quickly things turn...and how easy it is for me to go back to old habits. I feel a great sense of remorse and guilt, if anything this is a good thing. At least i know i have done wrong by my beliefs, im hoping this will give me the detirmination again to stop drinking and partaking in illegal behaviours.

My nurse came to see me today and said she has never seen me this detirmined, which i guess is a good thing??? Or so i think so anyway. There we're a lot of questions from her in regards to what i had been doing, i told her and asked her to spare me the lecture i already felt bad enough, thankfully she respected my wishes and headed on her way.

Sunday here tommorrow, well already is actually 1am. Looking to spend the day in the garden if its sunny, sort out my vege garden and set up some tunnel houses to start growing spring seedlings. So something to look forward to and occupy my day with. Pedometer arrived in the mail today too, so get back to my morning walking routine!!!
So i guess this is me trying to pick myself yet again after another slip and looking for that something to fill the chronic emptiness i feel daily. New week, so fingers crossed!

Well its about the 4th time ive written this now...i hate BPD, its really not that hard to make a decision is it? Yeah right!!!
The last couple of years have been a nightmare for me, i was once a successful business owner, living with my partner of 6 years, racing my car in my spare time and just making the most of life.
Ive always battled with depression and ptsd due to a lengthly period of childhood abuse and a sexual assault.
Things all became too much in 2010, i was working stupidly long hours and eventually burnt myself out, plus the drink became more important than anything in my life.
Me and my partner grew apart although we both loved each other very much. End of 2011 my best friend committed suicide and it threw me and thats when everything turned to custard.
I became majorly depressed, didnt care about my business and watched it wilt away, my drinking by now was seriously out of control and dictating my days. So i left, i got a job nearly 800km's away and left everything.
I went to work day in and day out, still drinking a lot, often still drunk at work. My depression worsened as did the suicidal thoughts and self harm.
November 2011 i attempted to take my life, i was treated in hospital before being admitted to a psych hospital where i spent nearly three months. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, ptsd and acute stress disorder.
They discharged me to a boarding home 3 days before christmas, i never went to the boarding home instead overdosed in the back of my van, 16 hours after overdosing i called an ambulance, to this day im not sure why. I was scared and knew i didnt have long to go. So was admitted to hospital for a week and half where they tryed to restore my liver function, slowly but surely they succeeded. After that is was back to the psych ward for a short 48 hour stay, this is all they will allow now, something to do with long term stays not being helpful for patients with BPD.
Anyway after that it was to the boarding home, i hated it there. Noisy, dirty and constantly feeling intimidated by other boarders and the home owners themselves. I was there for nearly 3 months and during this time had nearly a dozen psych hospital admissions and several general hospital admissions due to acts of self harm and suicide attempts.
The end of february my mental health team were rather conerned, so they put me into residential care (staffed 24 hours 7 days) i spent 3 months there, it was ok. A stable environment for me to be in while i began therapy.
Since then i have moved into my own place, just a little self contained unit. Its quiet, lonely, boring but what more did i expect.
So i spend my days going to therapy, art work, reading and not a lot else. I feel myself getting really depressed again, suicidal thoughts are with me all the time and i see no light, and no hope at the end of this never ending tunnell.
I just want to disapear