Swim is high right now.
Sometimes when she’s high, she has a lot of insight into things. Her mind goes deep into itself and things start making sense.

So I thought I’d type it here. So I can read it another time.
So I’m just typing this out as it comes from swim.

I just realised, due to everything that has happened to me in the past few years, I hate myself. I didn’t realise until now just how much I am ashamed of myself.
I feel like a truly terrible person.
And the only thing that comforts me from feeling that is the fact that it means that I at least still have a conscience.
I feel kind of exposed writing this even though I am anonymous but I am truly truly ashamed of myself for the past few years. I’m disgusted at myself. The truth is, I must really really hate myself deep down. To do the stuff I did to myself. To behave how I did. Do the things I did.

I am so completely and utterly ashamed. I feel the most enormous guilt the size of which I could not even possibly attempt to describe with words.

It’s horrendous. I am horrendous. I feel that somehow, a demon got inside me. I have behaved in absolutely disgusting ways. I behaved like him. I behaved like a disgusting monster.
The past few years just haven’t gotten straight in my head. I don’t know if they ever will. It feels like a 3 year dream. I went to sleep for 3 years and woke up after a three year long nightmare. And like any dream, it doesn’t all make sense, it’s completely muddled in every way, blurry, periods missing.
I don’t understand any of it. And it terrifies me. It terrifies me that I can behave like that.
It terrifies me that I got so out of control. It terrifies me that I let the things that happen to me happen to me.

It made me realise, what a truly dysfunctional person I am and as much as I want to run from it I can’t.

I have a blackness inside me and I feel I can’t cure it.

I need to get rid of it. All the terror, the pain, the shame, the sadness, guilt and depravity.

I am a really bad person. I need to wake up and change. I have let myself down in such terrible ways.
And no one is going to come and save me. I’ve got to save myself.

Lord I pray this therapist is going to be good. And I pray I get therapy soon, I need it so badly.

How do you get rid of a demon inside of you :’(
It’s not going to go away :’(
Everything that’s happened to me, it’s all blocked off inside my head
It’s there like a monster waiting to attack me :’(
I can’t take ittttttt
I want it to leave me alone...
It’s like a part of my soul inside that is forever being tortured in vile and disgusting evil ways :’(
I need it offfffffff of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Hugs sweetie.