Today I have felt calm.

I'm unsure whether I'm experiencing the silence after a storm, i'm in the eye of a raging storm, or if yesterday was but a smaller pre shock...

I woke up this morning feeling off, my body woke me from my sleep multiple times this morning before I finally got up.

Things started okay, I made a frappé, put on some music, applied my make up and did my hair.

When it came time to get dressed that's when everything swallowed me whole. It started off as a the typical female 'I have nothing to wear" to screaming, throwing and smashing.

I was just so incredibly angry, hurt, frustrated, I felt out of control. After spending an hour in this mode, I decided I couldn't go to work, I wasn't able to step out the house, I just couldn't, I wouldn't.

After phoning my boss and getting my shift covered I resorted into a sobbing, hysterical mess.

I then did something I haven't done in over a year. I stuck a toothbrush down my throat and made myself throw up. It was an incredible stress reliever.

I had a shower and put comfortable clothes on, I feel all over the place. I feel so confused and lost.

I had an episode this morning.

I felt so out of control, it felt like I could not control what was spewing from my mouth and mind. I'm just happy I did not get violent towards myself. I didn't hit my face or head once, or pull my hair or skin, that is a step forward, even if it is followed by a couple steps back..

Though now I fear I have smashed my relationship in to hundreds of shattered pieces that are impossible to glue back together..

I also feel I should move out, be alone and delve into therapy.. Try to fix myself.
Somewhere inside I enjoy this darkness that consumes me, I feel at home in it.



I don't know. I just feel numb. I'm angry at that person from this morning, she was out of control. I just want to be happy.

Pretty tough day today, when I sit down to think about it. My poor fingers are raw and sore from picking, my hair is knotted from constant touching and mindless playing. I feel so dirty, I need to scrub my skin immediately.

I had coffee this afternoon with my friend I had mentioned from the previous post. It was a struggle on my end and just in general I felt no interest in being there. I do not judge a person for their mental state and difficulties, though I do despise ignorance and she has it in bucket loads - with the bible as her backup.

To put it short I have outgrown the friendship and can clearly see where she is stuck. Though to be honest we were never suited. Her sheltered existence clashes with my circus.

I miss my old best friend, though we were going to destroy each other, we were too much.

Looking forward to coffee frappe and some relaxation - getting away from the bustling city streets

Last night I had an argument with my closest (only) friend. I spoke my truth and told her what I saw, and she didn't take it well, she doesn't appreciate my level of honesty and "out spoken-ness", I am just like that with everyone though.

She suffers from an at times mentally debilitating eating disorder, having gone through bulimia and still picking up the binge eating mess myself I can connect with her on that and it's nice to talk to someone about the demons.

She has been making less of an effort with our friendship lately, and I understand she has a lot going on at her end though I refuse to be the one making ALL the effort, so I told her this. She confided to me that my recent weight gain, however little, is her trigger. Because she noticed I put on weight it is triggering her mind, making her concerned about her own physical state.

This upset me, of course, as I still suffer from very low self esteem (though some days its grandiose). I stopped myself from getting nasty and kept things honest. Today I spoke to her again and we are going to go for coffee tomorrow afternoon, i'm excited to see her and actually do something as I have spent my time in my room the past couple of weeks.


Other than that things are O.K.