There is a very real problem in my life. I am beating myself up because the atypical antipsychotics I have been on have been making me gain more and more weight. At first a few pounds didn't bother me, I kind of needed them, but now it's ridiculous. It's to the point I hate myself and I'm going to beg my doctor to take me off the Saphris and antipsychotics in general. Sure I'm fine now, I'm calm, I'm passive, I'm submissive, but I'm also crying pretty regularly about the loss of my beauty. I weighed this much in High School and was teased pretty badly. I worked very hard to get thin and now that was all for nothing.

It hurts me pretty badly because a year ago I felt that I was very beautiful and now I look at myself in disgust. It doesn't help matters that I got a bad haircut and color last time I went to the hair salon and so now I'm growing out a bad cut and dealing with my weight and my nails are breaking really low down and hurting my fingers and nothing seems to be working out. I feel really unhealthy. My hair is dry and tangled most the time. My face seems to be broke out with acne most of the time anymore and everything I liked about myself seems to have disappeared. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of not having the tenacity to run anymore or be fit or have hobbies or anything.

I'm done taking the Saphris. Atypical Antipsychotics have put this weight on me and I'm fed up with them. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I know I can't keep living my life like this. I can't keep living in this binge eating haze. I need out and if that means going against this drug thats working for the sake of my health, then so be it.

On the outside I am cool and calm today, but on the inside it's like hulk has been let lose and hulk wants to smash. I'm running the full gambit of emotions within hours sometimes minutes of eachother. So far I've felt Panic, Depression, Flat, and now Anger. All the while on the exterior appearing to be cheery and calm. It's taking every ounce of strength I have to project this false happiness/calm. I want to go home, I need to go home and I absolutely can't because what am I going to tell them? That I'm about to have a psychotic break down. Oh yeah, that will go over fantastic especially when I seem perfectly fine one minute and then I'm freaking out the next. Yesterday I thought this reaction was because I had alcohol the night before, but last night I didn't have anything and today I'm even worse.

I would sooner take my bipolar symptoms than feel what I'm experiencing right now. I am not a violent person, but I want to break things. Now I am starting to feel panic, it keeps rotating through these emotions and one second I may be fine and then the next I'm wringing my hands out of frustration and wanting to break something. I e-mailed my boyfriend and he hasn't responded, I put on there that he needed to get back to me, that it was urgent, but he is ignoring me, as always. I know I don't matter, he makes that abundantly clear. Now I feel as if I want to cry. I'm fat, my weight continues to go up and no one cares. I am the person who suffers with the consequences and nobody else cares that I'm feeling fat and so unhappy. I'm so angry for what has happened to me.

Oh my gosh, I need to go home so badly and I can't. At lunch I am going out to my car and I'm going to call my boyfriend. You'd think I'd matter, you'd think it would mean something that I'm having a nervous break down. I guess I'm not worth wasting time on. I want to hit myself so I feel something, anything. On the inside I feel like I am storming and on the outside I am flat. I don't understand what is happening, but I feel so turbulent. My thoughts are racing and I want to just destroy things.

I'd take a Xanax, but I don't like everyone seeing me take pills. They probably think I'm some druggy or something. I'm irritated that my friend thinks all of this is just a "problem" that I need to face. He is so full of it, this is happening because of the medication, not because of a problem. My problems in my life are getting better, this is completely random. He is making me really mad because I don't experience enjoyment because I'm doing the wrong things or so he says. He's so full of it. He has no idea what I'm going through and he really needs to keep his liberal tendencies to himself.

I'm going out to my car and taking a couple Xanax. I have to get a grip on myself. I'm losing my mind and the only person I feel comfortable talking to about it is my boyfriend. I should probably call my PDoc, but I'm afraid they'll tell me to go to the hospital and I just can't do that. No one here can know how messed up in the head I really am.

Well I took some Xanax and I'm starting to feel better. Now I just feel depressed, but it's not as bad as earlier. I'm not taking the Saphris anymore. It has caused me to gain a massive amount of weight and hopefully giving it up will help me to lose some of this weight.

Today is dragging by slowly. I'm not feeling very well, but I'm still here at work. If I am worse tomorrow I am not coming in. They already told me they didn't want me here this morning, but I didn't feel my cold was that bad this morning. Really it's just a minor annoyance, my eyes are itchy, my nose is running, my throat feels a little scratchy, but otherwise I am fine. I would take some cold medication, but I'm afraid it will interact with the Saphris and knock me out. I have to be lucid so I can do my work and drive home. I might take some when I get home, we'll see. I don't want to risk a med interaction, I've already experienced that once before.

I'm looking forward to getting home. I'm going to change into my pajamas and then start cooking. I'm going to make hot chocolate for my daughter and I, then I'm going to start on homemade cinnamon rolls. I'm hoping it turns out okay. I've never made cinnamon rolls before, but I have faith I'll do an okay job. I have to stop at the grocery store after work to pick up some stuff to make them, but I'm looking forward to biting into a big soft gooey one tomorrow morning. I'm kind of in a baking mood so I'm getting stuff for cookies too. At least if I pour my heart and soul into baking I get a tangible reward for my efforts.

I really feel like things are starting to go really well for me. A problem I've been having has resolved itself and now I am feeling a hundred times better. I'm hoping things continue to get better. I think tonight I'm going to celebrate a little bit and have a glass of wine.

Well I'm sitting here working. I'm attempting to look busy and it seems that I'm pulling it off. People are leaving me alone which is precisely what I was hoping for. There is a lot of office politics going on today and it's making me anxious. Granted I was already feeling anxious for other reasons, but it has manifested itself into something else now that I can't run away from. That tight feeling in my chest and an anger that is unbearable. It just floors me that our customer refuses to deal with me directly and actually said that if my team lead wasn't there then I need not show up for work. Which obviously I would still do even if that were the case. People are mad I got a raise, I only mentioned it because I thought everyone else got one too, but they didn't. So I ended up looking like a big fat fool. I feel like I can't do anything right.

I take it personally what was said by this customer, because I was under the impression that our products were of excellent quality and my work was always on time and accurate. Granted I have had a couple air headed moments where I forgot this or that, but for the most part I have been extremely reliable. I'm not sure what I did wrong to make this person feel this way, or if it is because I am a contractor and not a government worker. It is a form of prejudice that seems to prevail in my area of work. I give up trying to be perfect and trying to please all of the time, especially when such an air of superiority prevails here.

When I get home this evening I am taking a bath and putting on my pajamas. Today has been a particularly crappy day and I am going to treat myself to some wine and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I know it's not the healthiest of meals, but I really don't care. I'm definitely buying myself a Burberry scarf for Christmas. My boyfriend would call me frivolous to spend so much money on a scarf, but I really don't care. As far as I'm concerned I've earned it. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I have a hair appointment and I'm getting my nails done and that will be so nice. Once I get home and things settle down I'll feel a lot better. I'm praying there isn't any traffic on my way home, otherwise I'm liable to blow a gasket. All I want to do is get home and relax. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my body feels tired. I really just want to lie in a hot bath and soak.

Today is long and drawn out. There isn't a whole lot for me to do so I am sitting here writing up things I'll do when I get home. I feel kind of badly for playing Final Fantasy so much lately. I realize I'm just trying to escape the pain I'm feeling. It's doing much better since they put me on name brand Wellbutrin because the generic was recalled for not working. I'm not having anxiety in the mornings like I used to on the generic. This combination of 5mg Adderall AM, 150 mg Wellbutrin XL AM, 150mg Wellbutrin XL Noon, and 5mg Saphris PM is working well. I am no longer struggling with binge eating issues, but I am still dealing with the resulting weight gain.

I would say considering how I am normally this time of year I'm doing really really well. I feel calm and I'm hoping I can continue on this trend. I was a little aggitated when some things happened last night, but I managed to relax and stop myself from getting to irritated. Most of all I'm just hoping I lose some weight. I don't expect to be tiny anymore. I'd like to just lose 10lbs. I've put on a total of 25lbs, but I'm okay with just losing 10. Perhaps between the Adderall and Wellbutrin that will be a possibility.

My biggest regret is allowing myself to wallow in so much pain for so very long. I have been depressed for a very long time. I'm not sure if that's because the generic Wellbutrin was ineffective or if it is because I had so many traumatic events in a short space of time. 2012 has truly been the hardest year of my life and I pray that 2013 has more positives than 2012 did. Yes, I did get a promotion, a bonus, and a raise, but I lost so much. I lost a wedding, I lost my boyfriend's happiness (his Dad passed away and he withdrew and neglected our relationship), I lost a baby, and I lost my attractive appearance. 2012 was the hardest year of my life. I remember a month ago bawling my eyes out because I couldn't get past the miscarriage and I suffered from binge eating disorder. Now 2 weeks later I am in a much better place. The brand name Wellbutrin is doing a great job at lifting my spirits and suppressing my urge to eat. I feel so much better and I plan on telling my psychiatrist exactly that next time I see her. I still feel slightly tired around 2pm daily, but eventually that wears off and I get my 2nd wind.

I feel like I might be getting a little bit sick, hopefully I can head it off with staying inside this weekend and snuggled up nice and warm on my couch. My daughter will probably want to do something, but we have plans Satuday night so that should satisfy her. I am so happy the weekend is here. I've felt this cold coming on for the last few days and I really need a good rest to keep myself from catching it.