well here I am back home. I have been back for 2 weeks. My laptop screen broke (my fault) and was repaired today. I am back to writing my thoughts down so I can read my progress as I digress and maybe progress.
It is with much regret and extreme embarrassment I divulge I went to the casino. Yes I did. I felt like I was away for such a long period of time I could handle it.....it was one of the worst things I could have done. One of the worst things ever! I can barely write this blog. It is no longer losing the money that even bothers me. It is the sheer pull, the control, the trance I am in when I am in the casino. Everywhere else, my home. my workplace, I am in control, people defer to me. When I walk into that casino it is totally 180, exact opposite. I lose control, I lost control. I don't like it. I don't like how it feels, I don't like me.

Home sweet Home. Ha could have gone to the casino from airport, had money, had the time, but didn't do it. Today I am seeing my daughter. Just enjoying my continued success. One hour at a time.

I am going back to my home state tomorrow. It is with mixed emotions. I will be happy to see my family and friends but not knowing if I have the strength to stay out of the casinos is bothering me.
If I fail it will be the largest loss in my life.

Probably the longest stretch I can recall. I won't kid you I have thought about it. I have mourned it somewhat. But I have also replaced a very addictive bad habit with wholesome activities. So now I can see and feel things in a clearer way. I LOVE the casino, I hate the smoke, I hate the zombies, I detest losing hard earned money but in my mind I love the casino. So I ask myself what is the lure?
Is it a guilty pleasure
Is it scientific; am I being hypnotized/brainwashed
Am I not as smart as others so I get swayed by free offers etc.
Do I just like that I can go somewhere and nobody knows me?
Do I really think I am going to win money
Am I so bored that I can't find something constructive to do with my time.
Is it a lazy man's escape
All of these questions and more go unanswered. Do I need to figure this out?
Should I dwell in the past to try to figure it out? should I put blinders on and forge ahead with my gamble free days u/ my belt? What happens if I relapse. This scares me the most. I will be so angry with myself. I am feeling uneasy this evening.

I spent my after work hours strolling through my favorite store. 70% off some things. I brought home a bag full of new outfits for u/100.00 Now this may seem silly to some but I reminded myself just how much a $100.00 dollars is worth and what I can do with it. I will certainly enjoy my new garb and celebrate this awareness.