For my entire life I have gone through cycles of using one bad habit and replacing it with another to get myself by. It started with cutting, moved to bulimia, anorexia, OCD, smoking, drinking, then a combination of everything. Whatever I felt could keep me grounded I did. Those habits were my security blanket. I have had horrible anger, jealously, fear, paranoia, anxiety, and depression. I remember from a young age putting my fist through the wall. Why? Because I was simply angry because something didn't go my way!

I got married 2 years ago. I felt the most stable at this point in life than ever before. Then my world came crashing down on top of me and I began battling with my husband. My moods were off the charts, I was extremely mad one minute then horribly upset the next. Then I would feel bad about myself and want to die! During the whole process I would think; why am I doing this? Why cant I control myself? I must be crazy! When things got so bad my husband said he was going to leave me if I didn't get things sorted out. He would tell me to just, turn my emotions off, just be happy. He could trigger my moods with a simple word I didn't like or a gesture with his hands.

So, thats how I ended up in therapy. I was so scared. Each time I am in the waiting room I feel myself panicking, my blood starting to boil, the knot in my stomach tighten. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by my second session. I fit 9 out of the 9 criteria. I was beginning to lose control. My security blankets no longer were working for me. I had to become more extreme to get a sense of relief. I feel as though I am holding on to my sanity with a thread and every now and then it snaps and I need to rebuild the fibers together again to make another thread.