I was doing pretty well for a while. My coping skill was eating(more of a mechanism) and it was helping me a lot. Now, I can't even stomach anything. The closer the trial is getting, the more my depression is hitting me. It feels like I can't distract anymore. I can't even look at anything with a razor any more. I feel so sick. Some one please help me.

I have been wondering this for a while now. Ever since I was little, my Mom tried to fit in with her boy friend's life style. The guy could have been a raging alchoholic, who was a complete ass(most of them were) and she would stay with him, no matter what. Last year, I told my mom that my step brother had been sexually abusing me for a little over two years. When I told her, she at first seemed shocked and had called him in the room with my step dad. They kicked him out of the house for two days; during those two days, my mom didn't talk to me, yet alone speak to me. She began making me feel guilty for getting in trouble, and even tried bribing with my graduation dress for my 8th grade ceremony. I eventually gave in, and they moved him back in. I was forced to live with him for six months, until I ran away to my dad's house. The thing that I have had trouble coping with is how she could have just turned away from me. It hurts so much. I would have maybe understood if she was a dad, since they don't really go through the pregnancy and the pain mothers feel. I have just have had the hardest time grasping how my mom could have just left me like that. She told I could tell her anything. Why would she have done that? I'd like to assume she just has some mental illness that she had never told me about, but maybe she just didn't care what happened to me.

This is where I completely contradict the title of this blog entry. I am not fearless, and I am no where near it. It discourages me saying that, since my heroes growing up have always been strong women. I guess I don't meet up to Big Barda's expectations. I wonder if Big Barda was still alive, and she would say to me. Would she call me a coward and tell me to suck it up, because that is what strong women do? Even if that was what she would tell me, what gives her the right? She was stabbed in back, in her kitchen, showing no sign of a fight. Either way, I'm still a coward. I am going to try and keep this short, saving the details for a later day, and just tell you the basics. I was repetitively raped on different occasions by my step brother. I am now pressing charges and I have to go on the stands in July. I am scared shitless. My advocate tells me I can always back out, but I know if I do, I will never forgive myself. I tried suicide, at first, but then I realized that it would be more cowardly of me. I could go back to the mental hospital, but it would only be temporary. The only thing I will let myself do is go to trial. I am so scared, though. My advocate said usually rapists go on and rape other women, if not convicted, and I know I could never live with that. I wish I wasn't such a wuss. Could some one please help me shake this fear?