i feel really small right now..

i spent the day with my family today and it's so strange spending time with them again.. i don't even feel like i belong there..
i was sitting there chatting to my parents and noticing each time they spoke they had to bring someone else down to make them feel bigger..

meh.. there's way too much stuff to go into in one blog post so i'll start with a really early memory that i remember as clear as though it had just happened..


I was a very small, thin and dirty child.. in fact i still feel dirty now - i don't suppose that feeling is ever going to leave me completely.. the one that makes me feel invisible and worthless.. some days are better than others.. some days i feel good but others = well, the flashbacks come..

*edited for privacy reasons*

that was the day dear blog that i gave up even bothering to hope that deep down my mother loved me..