Well it's been a really long time since I wrote a blog here but I have to today, just to check the blog settings to check the changes worked correctly...

I'm up late again. I should be in bed right now.

I've been spending a lot of time lately watching DVDs. I feel a bit like I'm wasting my life with it. Actually, that's something my mum would say, "stop wasting your life away" when I'm watching TV. Maybe that's the only reason why I feel guilty about it. I have been enjoying it and it has been distracting me from other bad feelings created from discussing some things in therapy.

I've been watching "The Good Wife" season one at the moment. Very enjoyable. It kind of makes me want to be a lawyer. Even though I know I probably wouldn't like that much in real life.

Well this isn't a hugely exciting subject... I just thought I'd write a bit about what I did today so that I can remember (seeing as I'm always forgetting because of the DID).

I got up quite late, maybe about 2pm? It's a bad habit I have been getting into lately of staying up late and waking up late. I had been awake until 5am or so, so it is no wonder I ended up getting up late. I have to try and change this pattern. It is 3am now so maybe I will end up getting up by midday then. No, but seriously, I do have to make an effort to address this better. I think I would find it easier to get to bed earlier if my housemate came home earlier too because then I wouldn't want to be up and disturbing him. Not much I can do about that though.

I walked in the lovely sunshine to the bakery to get some cake and some coffee. It was such a nice day to be outside and I felt good for getting some exercise. Naturally I put on some sunscreen first and asked myself why I don't do that more often, I don't want to get skin cancer if I get old.

I came home and enjoyed watching a good episode of Cheers. I have really gotten into that show lately. I have also done some stuff on the forum and have done plenty of other internet stuff too. And the cat has been really cuddly and affectionate today following me every step of the way. What a gorgeous little thing, she is lying next to me right now.

Then I went to get some take away food. Hmmm that was naughty. And now I am back on the forum again. I shall go to bed now. Goodnight all.

A few things that have been on my mind lately...

Lately I've been forgetting how to spell... I feel certain this has something to do with my DID but it is a bit unnerving none the less. I probably wouldn't notice so much if my computer didn't highlight it all the time, it's kind of getting on my nerves. I just want my spelling capabilities to return to normal!

An unrelated topic...Last night was the beginning of a new regime I'm trying out... To get to bed at a regular time, to wake up at a regular time and to switch the computer off an hour before bed. It has been good today. It has meant I have been a lot more productive today and a lot more social too.

One more thought before I sign out... I got triggered at the supermarket today... Really badly triggered for no apparent reason... After some really helpful discussion with one of my wonderful friends here, I think it may be due to the cold section of the supermarket and the fact that it was very busy there... I suppose all will be revealed in time...

Been uncovering some awful stuff lately... It's bringing me down...

Really sick, disgusting, horrific stuff... I can't even bring myself to say... I feel so alone... I've never even read anything like it before... I can't believe I experienced such sickness from another human being...

I think my body can't ever be clean or pure again...

Why did they do that to me? Why did they think I deserved THAT? Couldn't they have spared me? Surely I didn't deserve THAT... WHY WHY WHY WHY did I endure such awfulness... WHY DID I DESERVE THAT????
YUCKY SICK DISGUSTING YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK GROTTY GROTTY YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today has been much better than most of my days recently.

I woke up before my alarm at about 8:30am. I spent the day doing several loads of washing, commenting on here, doing some dishes and watching television. All very relaxing but mostly it was good because I wasn't so triggered. So all in all, a pretty uneventful day.

I have therapy in the morning. It feels like ages since I've seen him. I've been so amnestic of my time there over the past month or so. I have some writing to give to him that was done by some of the younger ones. I haven't been able to keep from dissociating in order to read what it says. At least I always feel a bit better coming out of therapy. I suppose it doesn't matter so much that I remember what happens, so long as I feel a bit better, it's all good.

One thing I do have to note is about another body memory I have. All my muscles of my lower abdomen suddenly spasm inwards as if I have been kicked there. Hard. Kind of like being winded but lower... I wonder what that's about...