I went to see my mother for dinner a few hours ago. I really didn't want to go. I felt sick at the thought of going. I suddenly felt really lethargic. I thought about calling and saying I'm not going. But I forced myself through it. Once I'm there it is not that unpleasant. She is civil and "friendly" to me.

I just wish I knew why I react so much to the thought of going to see her. I think something is not right there. I think she might have been involved in a lot more of my abuse than I can remember. Every time I see her I wonder how much I have forgotten. She is scarier to me than anyone else I know but I can't remember why.

At least right now is the longest time I will have until I have to see her again next week. I can forget about her in the meantime...

Huge hugs Lipstick

Thanks Cracked...

May I ask why you visit her then? I think its brave you continue to visit someone that scares you more than anyone even if you don't know why. In fact ESPECIALLY if you don't know why.

Honey, I never thought of it like that before but you are right... I suppose I continue seeing her because I'm scared of what the repercussions will be if I don't see her... I'm sure she would find some consequence. I want to work to find out what has happened before doing anything out of the "norm" otherwise I'm aware that I'll cop the consequences before I've worked out how to be strong enough to stand up against them...