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rebellious
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Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 11:14 pm
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3 years later
   Tue Nov 05, 2019 4:17 pm

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3 years later

Permanent Linkby rebellious on Tue Nov 05, 2019 4:17 pm

I feel the same, depressed again.
I managed to feel a bit better in between but then depression took over and took everything with it.
It was surprising to see how nothing have changed even though I tried my hardest to work on my mental health.

My trauma therapy is my last hope now, if it doesn't work I don't know what else there is to try but drugs or death.

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Something's definitely wrong.

Permanent Linkby rebellious on Sat Jan 23, 2016 7:01 am

It's been a while.. don't know what the last entry was about though I still believe my mom is a Borderline/ Narcissist.
But it's hard to say for sure, it might have been the medications that screwed up some parts of her as well, like her sudden total lack of empathy and almost sadistic behaviour at times.

She was taking benzodiazepines (don't know how to spell it) at the time, I imagine she still does.
There has always been some pills that made her unable to engage in real life.

Lately I have been under the magnifying glass and it has been suggested to me that I might have BPD.
Don't know about that but there is definitely something wrong with me.

Some things are buried quite deep but it still hurts like hell.
I get self destructive in a weird way, I hate cutting or things like that, it would only make things worse for me- not easier.
(If it would help I'd probably cut a lot).

I've been trying to live a healthy life and eating good stuff but it all crumbled into nothing and now I just can't seem to eat anything healthy at all.
Mostly I eat candy as I can't get myself to swallow normal, everyday food.
I've started making pretty basic dishes now, like pasta and meat with a lot of ketchup.
At least it's something.

It all reminds me of the last time I was living with my mom and tried out medications that were wrong for me.
It made me lose my appetite and I wasn't allowed to eat anything good at home either, what little money I had I spent on treats to keep me going.
Mom and her new boyfriend bought nice food that us kids wasn't allowed to eat, they had salmon and white wine and we kids had to cook for ourselves using canned food or basic cheap stuff.

Being in the condition I was in it was hard for me to eat food that was not so tasty.
It had to be really tasty or nothing at all, the medication made my mouth dry and my appetite was almost non existent.

Mom was really aggressive about the food, I was 20 yo at the time but my siblings were only 16 and 14 years old, now left to get food for themselves all of a sudden.
Mom eventually sold the house and moved in with him instead and they didn't make room for any kids, she was sick of being a mom.

I guess this might have effected me more than I realize as I can't allow myself to just feel good without destroying everything.
It's not just that incident, things go way back but the food-thing is probably from that time.

I have some fuzzy memories (knowledge more like) of me trying to feel good and my mom just ruining everything with her bad moods.
It was like I wasn't allowed to feel good because any smile or laughter would bother her, the only thing that was allowed was to suffer in silence.

I am so sick of sitting here by the computer at all of my spare time, if I didn't have any obligations I would probably sit here forever and eat snacks until I die.
I don't like this life at all, I don't like how I almost never feel like doing anything other than this and at the same time I feel trapped.

I don't really feel hate towards myself but I am guessing that behaviour such as this must spring out of my old self hatred that I can't connect to anymore.

It's just a really bad, bad feeling that I... I don't belong anywhere else.
This confinement within me is all I get.



No sense of belonging, no sense of having a safe home, not welcome anywhere, not good enough, not smart enough, not to be taken seriously, not wanted, not someone who one might waste good things on unless she puts out.

To be wanted is to have something that people want to get from you, like sex and validation.

###$ this body, I'm not even in it.

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Borderline mom from hell

Permanent Linkby rebellious on Wed Mar 28, 2012 1:56 pm

never mind.
Last edited by rebellious on Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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