So, I know how the forums work...new topics, replying, etc.

I do not know how blogs work sadly. I have never really reviewed any or started one for sure. So here goes.

I am guessing this is like a chat type feature where you can types as much as needed about well, anything, and see how it goes? If I am incorrect I hope someone will let me know.

I've never really dealt with anything in my life before being diagnosed and getting on meds with my doc. I compartmentalize really well apparently but that is not really working for me any longer. I just went back to my doc on Friday and asked about therapy, psychotherapy or whatever it is called. I cannot get rid of these memories, or flashbacks, or whatever you want to call them. I used to be able to them off, forget about them (with some herbal help) but that no longer works.

there are big chunks here and there that I just have total blanks on. To be honest, i don't care if I ever remember what I cannot now. The things I do remember and re-experience are enough to drive me away from trying to go down that road. I have done some terrible things in my day, well before I ever understood what the heck bipolar was or that i had it or have it..along with a couple other diagonsis I have. Sometimes I wonder if I did the things I did because of all that happened to me along the way...because I had no idea at the time I spiraling out of control. To me that was normal, I never knew anything else.

I am not saying doing illegal things, ethically wrong things is good. The opposite. I do not know how to reconcile the pain, anguish and suffering I caused to others, mostly my husband as he took the worst of it every time. I am scared to actually talk about and admit to things as once you do, it becomes real (not that it wasn't before), no longer able to be taken back. The flood gates will open and I am not sure if I can do this. I am having major second thoughts but at the same time I cannot go on living the same things in my head over and over.

I hope i am strong enough to face my demons, the destructiveness, the things I do remember. Here goes nothing (I guess)...