I don't even like you. You're vain and stupid.
I'm lonely- I'll suck it up and hang out with you.
I still don't like you...sort of.
Yay! Let's do something fun! I am happy, I could be your friend, this could work.
Oh...no contact? You're hanging out with other people?
I hate you. You're stupid.

Why do I even care? I don't even really like you. I just spend time with you because I'm desperate for human contact outside of my relationship and work. It's nice to have a friend who is also a girl who can be all girly with me and have fun. But you're full of yourself, you're like the complete opposite of me. Why do I want to punch you in the face when you post on social media that you're with other friends?
I feel like it should be me next to you. We should be texting and laughing and having fun. Except I'm home. Alone. Online doing nothing. And you're happy being who you are, even when it's a disgusting waste of personality.
You're vain and stupid.

Some days are much better than others.
Avoid the mirror. Avoid my reflection.
$#%^ I caught a glimpse. ###$.
Look at that nasty face. Look at those scars. That's what you look like.
Who am I? Am I a good person? Am I a bad person?
Why do I hate myself? Why am I disgusted with my lowly shameful appearance.
Rip my skin from my face. Tear the flesh that makes me...me. Tear it all away and start anew.
Scratch out my eyes, rip my hair out from my scalp.
Pretend it's better than it is. Be okay with it. Accept it.
Don't accept it just ignore it. Ignore the disappointment every time you stare into the mirror.
###$ it all.
End.

Hello, Im new to all of this still so...
Recently diagnosed, I knew something was wrong, I just knew it. Rolling around in bed crying for no reason feeling so out of control wondering why am I not normal, why do I feel so crazy. THIS IS NOT NORMAL! My poor boyfriend mostly on the down end of receiving on my worst days. I could feel him come in my house with a cautious energy. He never knew what he was walking into. I could be happy and loving and greet him with a kiss, or I could be cold and hardly turn and look at him with a murmur upon his entrance. The poor guy has put up with so much, I cant imagine what he was thinking 6 months in when I would be trying to get ready to go out and break down crying infront of the mirror becuase I couldn't find anything to wear or I hated the way my face looked. But I dont think I would be with myself where I am at now without his support and love. He gives me space when I have outrageous outbursts and holds me down to love me when I push him away the most.

So upon this diagnoses I am still in awe of how much in common I have with the BDP population. All these years I thought maybe I was bipolar or manic depressive or just plain crazy I feel like immense happiness at this confirmation that I am not a crazy person. The more I read I realize how much BPD has taken over my life. Its MIND BLOWING, Its cracking my brain open screaming DO YOU SEE THIS? YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. PEOPLE HAVE THIS. PEOPLE BEHAVE IN THE SAME MANNER YOU DO.
It brings me to tears just reading what other BDP people say, how their strains in life are so similar to mine. All this time I thought I was alone in feeling these ways. I mean I feel like manically happy about my findings and diagnosis. I cant describe it enough...even though Im trying.

Its just so hard to believe that I am not crazy after all these years of examining myself thought and life choices and such telling myself you must be crazy, that in fact I am not.
Ugh....so relieved!