So I have another appointment on June 20th with a psychiatrist for the ADHD gr8 5=6 months wait

Other than that not so bad, feeling kinda apathetic compared to emotional like the past

So I have my initial assessment on Wednesday, not sure how it's going to go and I'm a little bit worried. I hope this is the main assessment and I don't have to go to another as exams are nearby and it can take a while to get assessed on the NHS.

Well, you can do. But I'm honestly laughing at my naive self during A level exams thinking of the amazing time I'll have at university. I mean I'm not having a ######6 terrible time, but still I'm mentally in a worse place. But I guess that's natural and a lot of people experience this, the world isn't perfect.

The reason I'm making these rambling blog posts to myself is because I have an exam tomorrow and it's midnight, and by reading this blog it's obvious I leave everything til the last moment. So far I'm extremely worried about my academic performance even though on average I'm getting around 64% which isn't bad when you consider my mental state. My essays average out to 68% with other work and exams averaging around 60%. I was pretty surprised by my essay marks, I expected less from a 6 hour amphetamine fueled session the morning of the essay hand in date. I'm not as surprised, and not as impressed with my other work... especially in statistics where I got 55%, but hey it's not even too bad and I've always sucked at Math.

That's another theme within these blog posts... me constantly worrying about my academic performance. Like in the first paragraph of this post, I write about that in the past a lot yet I always come out. This time a 3 year slog for a degree is different to a 1 year slog for A levels or GCSEs though.

These blog posts allow me to look at my life through another perspective and it's helpful. I rarely make big rambling ones like this, as I feel a bit weird talking so much to myself. But it helps to write it all out and realise maybe it isn't so bad even if it feels that way. From my other blog posts and memory, I know I've felt this way in the past and it's always passed at some point. For me it comes in long waves with happy periods and low periods, maybe the lows are getting longer. Hopefully the happy periods get longer. I expect to be happier when I leave university, learning just isn't for me right now. I think I have ADHD, and I'm being assessed for it, but until I sort out how to self study and motivate education is a pointless pursuit. I believe when I'm older I'll be able to come back to it, because I do love learning, it's just the systems of today have trampled on me and I haven't resisted. I'm not interested in living a standard life in a standard order of school>high school>uni>job>die. I hope to live life as it comes because I'm not naturally structured like that, I want to live for my own happiness although that's actually weird for some people.

One weird change has been seeing my jealousy evolve. From a jealous maniac to a much more open and understanding person in a relationship... is that due to a lack of caring? I don't feel like it but it could be. My last girlfriend definitely wore me down a lot and made me shut down. Also another weird change has been my increase in recklessness and drug abuse. But I guess that's kind of what happens when you throw a mentally ill person into university and he has to cope for himself sometimes. I also wonder if I'll ever get over any of my girlfriends because I still have some feelings for them, maybe everyone feels that, but that changes a lot... sometimes I say I feel nothing, then I have a dream and suddenly I love them again.

Can't really think of anything else to speak about so bye

One of the weirdest experiences has been talking to people in real life openly about my mental health. Prior to last week, I hadn't spoken to ANYONE in real life about my mental health in an honest way. I guess you can consider the start of this blog in 2014 as the beginning of my suffering and maybe I'm close to some closure.

Pretty much every time I've spoken to someone about this I end up crying or trying hard not to cry. I guess there are a lot of emotions pent up inside me... but the support is unimaginable. Even from my tutor at university. I still haven't told my friends and don't really want to, I don't know why.

Told my family I am depressed and have anxiety, and I've visited the GP and got a referral to mental health services with suspected ADHD. I also have told my University and am receiving support from their end.

I feel bad, but at the same time a lot more relieved not having to hide it from my family. I know they will support me. And I don't have to hesitate before visiting the Doctor's now as I know my family won't ask silly questions.

So bad and good. But at least I've made a step in the right direction, for the first time in my life. It's better than wallowing in my own pain.