feels good being able to get stuff done in the day time and not fall asleep

I've started to take modafinil

My Mistake to make.
My own risk to take.
And everybody hates me.
I'm just in your way.
And everything is gray.
And everybody hates you.

And I know just what I mean
Autumn leaves and fallen trees
To feel the cold beneath my feet
I'll be in on it

I keep dreaming of my ex. The first time recently was just a random appearance in a dream. Was in some kind of house. She was beautiful and her eyes were really blue, but I didn't speak to her. Last night, I had a large dream which I can't remember the majority. It was a house party and I was in someones glass conservatory there, I looked out the window and she was there with her friends. I felt awkward but once again she looked beautiful, and older than before. I spoke to her but not much, remembering my promise to never speak to her again. It's weird these dreams have been occurring more recently and I always feel the same when I see her in the dreams, I don't want to speak to her, but she's always eager to speak to me. Probably because I know she still wanted to be my friend when we broke up but I didn't. In the dreams she has a boyfriend, I just kind of 'know' in my dream and feel a tinge of jealousy even though I have a girlfriend now.
I guess the dreams are my internal thoughts about if she still cares or thinks about me. I feel pathetic after the dreams because I know she probably doesn't, and guilty because I have a girlfriend, but deep inside me I'm happy I finally get to see her. Feels bad man.
I'm starting to realise I'm truly ###$ up by her. It's been 2 years now and I still can't forget about her, even if I don't get jealous or think of her on a daily basis. It's kind of like I have a hidden caring for her in my subconscious I can't get rid of no matter how hard I try and hate her. I can say to myself now I dislike her, and also that I still care about her. It's weird and I don't like it. How can I be having these thoughts when I love my current girlfriend, I love her for sure. Do I still love my ex, I don't know. I don't think so though.