by patchoulijade on Thu Sep 20, 2012 8:49 pm
Working out pretty well, so far. Dealing with a lot of physical torture, abandonment, and mental and emotional historical familial tormeirnt that continues to haunt me to this day.
Yesterday, took in photo album that should've burned in house Dad burnt to the ground. Talked about how he called me from a whore motel (Beckett Motel) on W.Hwy. 80 and that I walked in and he was drunk lying in little twin bed with all his belongings that should've burnt in the double-wide trailer lying scattered all around him. Told her (therapist) that his third or fourth wife had just left him and he'd called me and said he was going to go down to Florida for a few days (this was back in the mid-70's. One fact here is that my Dad never ever took trips alone to anywhere let alone Florida, where at the time we had no kinfolk living there. Then a day or two later, he called me from the whore motel and asked me to come to him. He said drunkenly that while he was gone, trailer burnt down t completely to the ground (foundation) it once sat on.
Photo album full of photos from the 30's, 40's, and 50's, 60's, 70's, etc. was given to me by my Dad a few years before he died on 2/16/08. He knew he was dying when he gave me album. It took me a good long time for it to register that album should have burned too. I cried a lot in therapy. I believe she is going to be a help in me processing my wonderful and monsterous Father. Jekkyl/Hyde.
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by patchoulijade on Fri Aug 24, 2012 4:18 pm
I am sitting in front of a woman; all the women in my youth either physically tortured me; or mentally made me feel like wanting to kill myself. So far, I have not felt extremely threatened by her. We'll see. She gave me a list of "Rights" that I shared were in a book I own by Charles Whitfield "Healing The Child Within". So far, no pearls of wisdom, but I am going to hang in there with her for a while to see if I can learn any life lessons from this seemingly nice woman who is married, has children, and grand-children. Jade.
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by patchoulijade on Sat Aug 18, 2012 11:17 pm
Only had two sessions with her and so far, I am not scared out of my wits sitting in the room with a woman who has authority over what she thinks of me, what she writes about me, if she truly is in to helping me .She is warm and compassionate. She says as a name her mom use to call her was "dummy" which tells me she too has struggled with low self-esteem, etc.
Dealing with having my face rubbed in my own urine nightly for years, and having to eat my vomit over and over while molester was working on my sister, these are all nightmarish realities that constantly live up in my brain, constantly reminding me that Iam not good enough (plus a grand more amount of physical violence I must learn to accept was not because I was a piece of poop; it was because those abusers were taught how to hate, and abuse them when they were young and innocent and impressionable. No excuse for it. But it explains that abuse is passed from generation to generation until a generation enters treatment and says no more. And begins to learn that not everyone is safe (mentally, etc) to spend company with, etc.
Just know that I am working my butt off in therapy to not accept someone else's reality not only about me but also their at times warped reality they try to drop on me about themselves. Complicated. Learning stringent boundaries between me and people who truly have been so brutally effected by significant others, that I can no longer afford and allow them to take what truth, perception of myself and understanding through therapy I now have of this wonderful, and at times screwed up world. Jade.
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by patchoulijade on Sun Aug 05, 2012 7:11 am
Well, I saw new female therapist. First session went ok. She sat up close and personal and was a very attentive and active listener. I miss my male therapist of 6 years, but not as much as I thought I would. He taught me soooooo much about myself in relation to others.
Anyway, I also wanted to comment on this Forum. How confusing it is to navigate and talk to others. At times, it seems you simply end up talking to yourself. Hootenanny Johnson!!!!!!
I understand now there are no "professionals" with their shingles out, or their names and degrees "hanging on their doors." i tend to think that we are suppose to reach out and answer each others' pleas and requests for insight, thereby helping ourselves.
There is no better way to get out of one's own head, then to help another who is suffering. And I learn a lot from the person I am trying to reach out to. So perhaps that is what this "forum" is all about. Getting out of one's own problems and reaching a hand out to help another who is suffering. Using our own experiences to help another who is in deep anguish and pain.
I believe the "moderators" and "facilitators'" are just as in need of help as we are and although they have their own experiences that they could be sharing more with us when we reach out to them, they too are still struggling to find their own way through their mental health issues and to reconnect on a more intimate level with self and others. At least this has been my experience with "moderators", etc. Patchoulijade.
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by patchoulijade on Sun Jul 22, 2012 6:02 pm
May I call you Andrea? Oops, I forgot a few things I wanted to share. I've been clean since 2003. Which is when I began to cut. The pain and guilt from looking over my past was so disgusting to me. Decisions I have made, based on self, and those whom I have hurt for same reason. I now factor in from what I am learning in therapy is that when you know better, you try to do better. Asking those we have harmed is not just for their healing, truthfully for me it has also been for my forgiveness to myself and for my deep inner healing. I have asked for forgiveness some did, some chose not too. I must forgive myself and that is a long, long process of stripping away the layers of what lies underneath that guilt and shame. When I came into this world an innocent, much shame and filth was heaped upon my little self. I was vulnerable, and now what was done and not done to/for me works on me daily. My brain was programmed by not only at times - a wonderful Dad, but when he drank, he at times was a MONSTER!!! Andrea, the sum of all the experiences you have had from infancy to present do not totally and completely define you. Your brain tells you these past shameful and guilt ridden experiences do define you. Your brain is at times a tape recorder and over and over your brain relives past. In recovery, we use to call what goes on up inside our brains without therapy and/or cognitive intervention "the ittty bitty #######5 committee" !!!!!!!the IBSC is that part of your brain that tells you all of the negative and harmful historical memories that you either can or cannot recall - define you. These past negative events do not define you, Andrea. What defines Andrea, and Patchoulijade, etc. is how we began to get clean and start to experience sobriety. I have worked my tail off in therapy. I understand that I have the power to stand in my own perception - my own truth of what and how I think and feel. Almost all of my life I was denied my own self-perception of anything and everything. I was told I was stupid, crazy, and that I would never amount to anything. I was called a whore, bad things were done to me. Today, I have strong barriers and boundaries from those crazy people who would like to keep my brain "illogical". I am a free thinker today and I am open to learn from people who also too have come to the ongoing self-nurturing conclusion that there are evil and crazed lunatics in this world at different levels and degrees of lunacy. You must protect yourself from further people who heap more guilt and shame upon you, Andrea. And why don't you start little by little learning what makes Andrea happy? Do you need therapy re: food issues? If so, be honest re: pretty little size 2 who still feels fat and ugly. Someone, whom either you remember or do not, told you at some point in your life that your self-worth was all wrapped up in your body image and your weight. And they lied to you, Andrea. "Healthy" people love people for e.g. color of their eyes, their voice, their kindness, their humanitarism, for their cooking, for their being there when a shoulder/friend is needed and for a myriad of other non-weight issues. As we get older, our bodies do also, and developing now a stand in your own truth awareness of what your self-worth truly is. And everyone's is defined differently. I will never allow another crazed person to define me. Learning to stand in your truth will allow you freedom from guilt and shame, etc. and start building and trusting through a good therapist who will believe in your truth and perception. I was told for twenty years that I was bipolar and I was exhibiting bipolar characteristics and traits. In March diagnosis was changed to severe P.T.S.D., etc. ad nauseum, but no bipolar. I relate to guilt and shame and yet I refuse to allow another single soul to entrap me into believing I am no good. I am a child of God and I am loved and I am forgiven and... [ Continued ]
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