You know, in all the ways you can categorize people who are mentally screwed up...

[Dx: dysthymia/aspergers/AvPD/social phobia/psychotic depressive episodes]

I think a lot of times, half? More? The "screwed up" is, to broaden the label, some form or another of "Arrested Development."

And I think when people relate to each other and form bonds, especially when we bond over commiseration and pain, what we're really doing is finding others whose growth got impeded at the same stage in our lives. I think this bond crosses not just a lot of mental Dx lines, but a lot of different social lines as well.

We get ###$ up at different times in our lives. Sometimes in pregnancy or infanthood even. Sometimes mostly at one critical age, sometimes at multiple ages. And each time, some potential within ourselves gets stopped. Not all painful experiences do this warping/inhibiting. And sometimes the things that ###$ up us the most aren't the most painful, they might not even hurt at all.

I could use a new hobby, and a public blog sounds like just the thing to channel my energies into something other than endless mental thought loops.

I find myself nearing 30. I used to only think I was a Social Anxiety Case. Maybe someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure it's worth the expense, or the waiting (if I go through Medicaid) to go back to a therapist to get a proper Dx. I'm thinking it could be OCD and/or Aspergers and/or ADHD, and possibly a highly narcissistic personality. I am coming around to the daunting realization that I am chalk full of aggression that is buried so deep that much if it has been transformed into depression.

Needless to say, I am an odd person. I am excessively self conscious. I've been told I have odd/stiff body language and I sometimes look out of it, "dead inside," and that my eyes dart around too much. I never really have enough to say. Embarrassingly, I am terrified of asking people questions. And although I'm not as mute as I've been in the past, I come off as very self centered because I feel impotent to come up with enough questions for people. I am self absorbed though, but I'm not very schizoid, just scared of rejection.

I have horrible self esteem due to what I feel like are sexual perversions of my youth. I was also smothered and spoiled by my mother at least to a certain extent. I was isolated a bit too. I am sad that I am trying to fix problems that I really feel like could have been nipped in the bud when I was young. It's far too late to go back to kindergarten. To learn manners and sharing, to learn how to deal with everyday conflicts and disappointments.

I want so much more out of life. I feel like there's a better way that I've barely had a taste of.