So turns out I am pregnant. Awesome.



...

I'm not okay with abortion and I know it's a very touchy subject, so bare with me here.
I don't have my own place, I just lost my job, my boyfriend doesn't have a job and he says he will never be able to forgive me if I keep the baby. I don't want my child to grow up with out a father and if he leaves me and I get kicked out I don't have a roof to put over it's head. Or money to feed it and clothe it. I feel like I don't have any other option because if I keep the baby i'm going to get so emotionally attached I wont be able to give it up for adoption. I feel so guilty and so ashamed of myself for not being able to give my baby the chance to live and breathe as my parents gave me. My parents were in their early 20s when my mother became pregnant with me but they kept me. So why can't I keep my baby?
I haven't been "triggered" lately so no emotional breakdowns yet but I can feel one coming..

On top of all of this a good friend of mine told me he was planning on O.D.ing tonight. I tried to convince him otherwise and made several calls to friends who either never answered, or felt as if he was just looking for attention. If he actually goes through with it.. how will I live with the guilt of not having done more?
Not to mention the guilt of having an abortion. My mother practically chewed me out today when I told her over the phone what the plan was. Maybe I deserve it. I don't want any of this, I'm so scared and I feel so terribly lost right now. My whole life is falling apart and I'm not sure I know who I am anymore.
I'm so tired of this constant struggle to get my life going only to have it thrown backwards, by choices I made that at the time I didn't think would have these outcomes.
I want more from this life and I wish I wasn't pregnant.. I'm not ready for a baby but I don't want to get rid of my baby. It's so confusing.
Time to try and get some sleep I guess, I just don't know how I'll get my mind to stop running in circles.

In a desperate attempt to distract myself I have opened a box of Chocolate Covered Cherries and I intend to ingest a whole tray. Today could have been better, the past several years could have been better. The feeling that I can't control my life looms over my head like a storm cloud, I kinda feel like one of those cartoons where they are walking along and the singular rain cloud pops up over their head. I digress; chocolate helps, that is, until my distorted self image issues kick back in and I'm bawling over the fact that I'm now a size 9. Well aware of the fact that I should be grateful for the life I have and the opportunities I've been given, I feel kinda guilty for feeling like my life is horrible. After all, it was the choices I have made that got me here, right? Despite reason and the knowledge that it's ultimately my fault I feel as though my life is crap and I have no control at the moment. Somehow I took a wrong turn here and there but it was the darn car's fault, or the map was wrong, or that person gave me the wrong directions.
Naturally, once my emotions die down and I can see reason I feel even worse for having felt as if I have no control over my current situation and that I let it get this bad. Hopelessness is a terrible thing to feel and it should MOTIVATE ME! IT SHOULD! All this knowledge and "seeing the light" crap should help to guide me and give me a reason to change. Yet, I continue to wallow and eat chocolates.

Drugs, sex, and a good time have always satisfied the gnawing hunger of needing to escape reality when it got too hard for me to deal. I'm a young adult and I should be graduating college this year. My life has been a joke, one giant joke and I made it that way. I'm hoping this blog will help me vent and cope with the reality I have made for myself. This blog is my story, the things I've seen, the things I've done, and hopefully one day it will help me end this horrible nightmare of a chapter in my life.

If anything I hope this helps someone else out there who is having similar issues and needs someone to relate to, I know I have always yearned to talk to someone who shared some of my similar issues. That need to connect with another human being who truly understands. I'm 22 years old and I'm still young and there is still time for me to change my life. While I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I don't use it as an excuse. That doesn't mean, however, that the constant emotional ups and downs haven't been wearing on me lately. Right now I'm feeling at my lowest, for years I've dreaded the thought that I couldn't get pregnant but now I very well could be. I'll know for sure in a couple weeks time. I live with my boyfriend (who doesn't have a job) at his grandmother's house, and I could be losing my job. My boyfriend and I are both drug addicts and have been for 2-3 years now.

This is the life I have built for myself, this blog is my story, I don't want your pity, I just want to share, and for now I'm still Hydroplaning. I think I'll be eating my chocolate now.