Can't sleep, so thinking about how I basically just wasted the last 6 months thinking voc. rehab would actually be able to help me. Of course not. According to them - can't act 100% normal = unemployable. Just as useless as section 8 (8 year waiting list just to be considered). Really need to get out of here asap, cant do that without a job. Can't even get minimum wage work, let alone anything that would pay enough to get me out of here. Even got rejected for volunteer work. As soon as my mother dies, I'm out on the street, if she doesn't kick me out before then she's already threatened to, so it'll probably be soon, especially once she realizes surviving on my own is never going to happen. I don't know how someone like me could possibly get to survive. Maybe I'm not supposed to.I would have already if I didn't have a fear of dying. I don't understand why I haven't killed myself already, after I tried 3 years ago. After that, I thought maybe if I waited long enough, things would turn around, but that was so naive and childish. Looking back, it just seems inevitable it would end up like this. And it isn't like I haven't tried to fix things. Every attempt, every ideal falls apart shortly after it begins.No ones going to hire a 23 year-old who hasn't has a job since age 16, with no college degree. I've ruined my life and I'm too old to start over. I'm not sure if what I have now can even be considered a life. Just distraction after distraction, as if the pathetic reality of all this won't be waiting when that fails. I've dug myself so far down underground that there's no getting out this time, I realized that 4 years ago, after I dropped out of college the first time) why bother at futile stupid attempts to prove otherwise? I don't know, I keep thinking there could be some option I haven't found yet, but its dead end after dead end after dead end.

Apparently to my mother, me not being able to get a job means I needs to be a sent into a group home and put under guardianship. As well as the idea that being unable to be social/interact with people is somehow misbehaving. It’s not like I can turn off my asperger’s/autism when it causes a problem, but supposedly I’ve done something wrong by having it?
Yeah, my social skills are pretty terrible and I lack the income to support myself, but that can't mean I'm inept enough to need to be controlled and supervised like a child. I'm not an idiot, and 'm not cognitively impaired either. People without disorders make mistakes all the time, but they don't get accused of not being capable to make their own decisions. This isn't even the first time she's threatened to do this. I wish I could afford to get a small apartment so I could get out of here and not be treated like some stupid child, and not have to hear this over and over, but I have no idea when/if that’ll actually happen, since getting a job is so unlikely.

If I get put under guardianship and put into a group home, then I just give up. I'd rather be permanently homeless or even dead, than my life completely taken away from me like that.

Fed up with trying to rationalize with my mother this morning. No matter how much I explain it, she keeps blaming vaccines for my aspergers/autism. She says things like "If only I knew about the vaccines 23 years ago, then you wouldn't be like this." If she can't stand me, she should just say it. She believes in so much ridiculous new-age stuff, so I shouldn't be surprised that she thinks this, but it's still completely infuriating.

I know what's the point of going to therapy appointments when I can't even talk about my actual problems. As far as she knows, its only anxiety and depression. And I've really only talked about the anxiety regularly - barely talked about the depression, so definitely haven't mentioned the dissociation, paranoia, and possible hypomania/minor delusions. I can't even clearly describe all of it to myself, let alone anyone else. Even if I could, she'd probably have me committed somewhere. Last thing I need is another useless diagnosis. Just seems like a waste of time to keep doing this. Don't know why I thought this would actually help - stupid. Some people on here seem to be able to be helped by it, for some reason nothing helps me permanently - any improvement is temporary at best. Even the prescriptions don't really do anything anymore. Was even considering ECT for a while - but not worth the permanent side effects.
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Almost passed out from exhaustion/lightheadedness walking home today - either symptom or a side effect? Either going to ask for more meds or to get off them completely at medication appt next week.
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Hopefully these blog posts are less whiny and annoying than before. I can't even read them now without cringing at how stupid and melodramatic they are.

Useless to of try to rejoin the world after 3, almost 4 years of detachment from it. Closest I've come is taking a minimum of courses at the local community college, but that failed, ended up with me dropping out. Actually got a job interview last week, but completely ###$ it up, stuttering and blanking out on most of the questions, so its pretty safe to say I won't be getting the job. I wouldn't have been able to have the energy to keep the job anyway or the social ability it requires, but still. I don't know whether there's anything I can actually do. It's not as if I'm not trying, it's just that nothing seems to be able drag me out of isolation, especially not myself. Therapy and pills aren't close to enough, but I don't know what is.
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Pretty sure my antidepressants have stopped working. They gave me some energy at first, at least enough to not be lying in bed all day accomplishing nothing. Loneliness a lot lately, though I'd never admit it to anyone in person. Don't want to want to be close to people, but even isolation isn't any comfort anymore. But I could never be a good friend to anyone, and 23 is too old to start to have friends. And I'm too old to be hiding in my bedroom in my mother's house, this is honestly pathetic. I've ruined my life so far beyond repair at this point, a while ago actually. Most people have some sort of structure to the way they live their lives, but with me that doesn't really seem to exist, it's just been blankness and distractions for the most part.