I'm so happy to see that my Blog is working again!

My first post is very special for me because was really the very first time in a big way that my Lil' Marky came out on his own and spoke so much!

Today I wrote a lot and got pretty triggered by a post I was quoting in a very interesting thread. I mention this because I don't understand why or what it was? I couldn't even read it even after breaking it up? I even started to have some flashbacks of the smell variety. When I'm more grounded I'll have to go back and have a look see.

This evening I went to a friends house for dinner with her son and his GF who just moved in with her and her husband and was so good to see him again and the dinner was Amazing! But as soon as I stepped in the door and saw what was on the TV I was triggered yet again. It was a documentary about the Vietnam war and was the end of it and the fall of Saigon.

I at least this time knew exactly what was triggering me so badly though. It was all the footage of children who were my age at that time who were trying to get out with their families. I remember watching all of the War News as a small boy and was always so upset seeing other boys my own age who were going through hell due to them being half American and half Vietnamese and so were disowned by all as a result. This used to upset me greatly back then. It was also the same era that I was also going through my own hell and is why I have DID. So just brought back a flood of all of that across the board for me. That makes sense to me.

But after that was just trigger after trigger all night long and was trying to hold back the seizures that were creeping in.

At one point my friend saw that I was very triggered and asked me what was wrong? I couldn't hide in the TV because was so scary for me due to the Vietnam Footage, and I couldn't tell her in front of her son and guests that she was triggering the hell out of me, so I told her "I'm just very triggered right now and going to try and hide in my mouth". Between the scrumptious sausage and garlic stuffed Portabella mushrooms she made and her amazing desert it seemed like the best and most pleasant place for me to hide.

And yes as soon as it left my lips it sounded just as odd to me as well. They didn't think twice about it for they all have even more severe stuff from their childhood's than I do, so it seemed to make sense to them it appeared. But I was then even more embarrassed and wanted to climb completely into my new hiding place!

By the time I left, I was a complete mess and was hyperventilating, heart pounding and kept hearing myself distantly repeatedly saying in a weak small voice "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Oh My God!".

I tried to split some firewood in the rain and make a fire for I was freezing and tried to comfort my self that I was home and was safe. It was easier to start a fire with wet firewood than it was to self soothe.

I'm mentioning all of this in my second Blog, not because I want to discuss one day of living with this stuff, but rather some of the many valuable things I am quickly learning here. and they are...

1. That I have different ways I get triggered. Meaning what happens to me when a certain "Part" of me gets triggered compared to another.

2. "Who" is the one being Triggered.

3. That so very often I am completely in the dark as to why or what triggered me? As in I am completely "Dissociated" from the triggers.

Before last week, even though I knew anything could trigger me regardless as to how seemingly harmless or mundane, "Triggers" and the PTSD effects of them were all just lumped together and was just a poopy thing I had to deal with and ride out.

I'm not sure why or how I moved from there...

[ Continued ]

Yay! I discovered this Blog thing.

I'm so happy because I feel really badly spilling my inner world all over the place and this feels like a safer place to post my colorful experiences without making messes everywhere hehe.

*puts on his Daddy's long sleeve shirt on backwards as an Artist's smock*

I really love my cool new Superman Avatar!
That color of blue is my Favorite! I have Batman Sheet sets and blankets to match! Cody does too!
I wanted Superman ones, but they are the same cool blue color so that makes me very happy! I like bright colors.

Cody says I should tell about my story. But I want to build my Treehouse now instead. He is going to help me because he is bigger and better at things like that and will teach me. We want a big cargo net of course. And a rope swing. These are very important things for a treehouse. Oh a Tire swing is better! And a radio! Gotta have a radio.

When I was little we made a really awesome treehouse! I want one like that!

I live in the forest now so lots of trees. But they are all straight and tall, the ones that are best for forts fall over or break too easy even though are really big. They are called madrone trees.

HMMM
GRRRRRR

I'll build a fort then!

I live in a Forest but no good trees for a Treehouse!
That's stoopid!
Cody says forts are better and we can make it however we want. He says if we build it nice we can even live in it all the time.

But I wanted a treehouse like i used to have when I was little!
he says we can even build trees into the fort so it's like a tree house but on the ground.

That sounds cool. He is a really good builder! He built this cabin all by himself and he used old tools from like a really long time ago and from the trees in the forest even. He can do anything.

He already started one a while ago and has water and electric and all that stuff and even a floor. We'll build it there.

I'm sleepy