Can we?

I have lost count to the number of stories I have heard and read about how we, addicts, can't deal with gambling again... ever more.

I do believe this is the way, but I struggle so much to stay away from gambling for more than a few weeks. In the past 10 years, I can count with the fingers in one hand, of the number of times i achieve 100 days without gambling. One hand...

I am an addict, I have no doubt about it, and while I have never been in an absulot situation of despair, I have hit rock bottom many times. It was the inability to get credit (the limits of my credit cards are relatively low) and because I never borrowed money for gambling (that I couldn't pay), that my situation never became as chaotic as many that we ready around here.

The problem is that there are moments where I do enjoy gambling. But there are also monets of absolut tilt and lack of control...

I wish we could all be normal again, enjoy this activity, like we do (for those who can) enjoy a beer with a friend. We know alcohol is no good, we never get richer by drinking it even if moderately, but we continue to do that whitout becoming alcoholics.

Just a few days ago, I relapsed. I received an email from one of the sites I used to play, saying that my self exclusion period had ended. Oh boy... it didn't take long for me to be complety hooked up...
Starting small... conservately... and bammm soon I was on a rollercoaster of emotions, and stress and anxiety, making deposits and withdrawals quicker than Lucky Luke. it was terrible.
Eventually I had on break and manage to recover and at that point I clicked on a cool off period.
I wasn't enjoying that any longer... but the high I was on... I just couldn't stop.

I could have just enjoyed it like a person who watches the home team win a game... but I am just not like that...

I try to be responsible (and I am in many aspects of my life), but I do get carried away sometimes... (many times).

I want to be normal. But maybe... that train has left the station...

Today is Sunday,

A totally ordinary sunday, but yet, this one is different from all the others sundays of 2023.
I woke up, as a "normal" guy.

My week ended I a very good way, with very positive news on my work. And I hace very exciting business trip coming soon, and in the last 2 or 3 days, I hardly had any hurges.

For me, the most difficult days were always those days after gambling (or not even if I wasn't gmabling), thso very long days, where you really had to look for your expenses to see if you could get till the end of the month, before your paycheck gets through. As the payday gets closer, I tend to ease and relax... and this is all connected for me. I see my recovery on my bank statement. In a way we all do.
If it is building up, it definetly means we are not gambling. That makes me happy.

I hope this feeling sinks in, and I hope to feel like this a lot more times this year.

Have a happy sunday

The title says it all...

Two days ago, I had one very vivid dream. I was in a very sketchy casino, had a 2 dollar coin in my pocket (I don't even know if a 2 usd coin exists) and for some reason, I was uerged to play those 2usd, the last I had.... and I won, I remember having the money delivered in a silver platter, packs of small bills (10 and 20usd) so it looked like I was a millionaire. Turns out it was 22 thousand USD, I than the pun... the connection to real life. 22thousand was the exact amount I had while I was winning earlier this year, money I had destined to pay another parcel of my house.

I woke up, and the feeling was overwhelming. I felt so so bad, for not having that money, for that dream to be indeed a dream. And after realizing that it was just a dream, waking up to the real brutal truth. I had wasted half of those 22k, before I could stop.

For the past days, I have been struggling very hard, not to be constantly thinking on that dream, and the money I lost.

I am again in a position where, I open the parachute meters away of being too late. I got better at this. Altough I am a compulsive gambler, only in two ocasions I remember getting into a position I really needed bailout (one in a very early stage of my compulsive game, and another one 3 years ago) - both paid quickly.

Lately I am listening all the time to a podcats of a former compulsive gambler. I really like hearing him, but I am not sure if listening to so much of it (and altough it is really good), if it doesn't make me think of gambling more than it should.

Every year, i set goals for myself. One is always a financial goal. Sad truth? I never meet the target. So this year I decided to set the bar, a few steps down. To allow myslef to spend in cool things, that make me happy, this because my gambling addiction never got me into serious debt (my current salary is more than all the credit limit I have for my credit cards combined), but it did avoid me to reach my goals, to have by now my house, to have a real look at a pllan for an early retirement plan, to make think again on having a relationship where I don't have to hide this addiction.

Fighting this is really hard. And I just want to get to the 100 days mark (that is a milestone that for me is very siginifcant for two reasons:

1- 100 days, means i have received at least 3 paychecks and if I was in debt, I will no longer be.
2 - 100 days, is already significant in terms of urges, and constant thinking of this problem.

I am on day 6... so buckle up.... turbulence ahead...

Hello all,

My name is Lookforward and I am a compulsive gambler.

My last time I gambled was 21st of January 2023.

I am again on this amazing forum, and was writing a new topic, but maybe this makse more sense to be a blog entry.

And wow... I never imagined that some of my old entries had over 2000 views.

My last entry was just before the covid era. I saw it, Jan 2020. 3 years have gone by, and I have so much to tell you. I had some good times, and some bad.

A few days ago (even before I stopped gambling) I was already hearing to podcats and youtube videos, because I was entering that bad spiral that leads you to being broke... every single time.

So what have I done in 3 years? Strangly, things didn't changed that much, but I have done some improvments.
My work is very stable, and even with covid, we were very fortunate and managed to maintain a grow as a company.
I continue single, but only because I feel i have lost the ability to fell in love.
I started doing regular workout, and I feel much better with that.
And during my longest GF time that lasted 160 days, ending last December, I managed and decided to make one of the most significant decisions I have ever made. By a small apartment.
And it felt great!!

One of the big problems I had for so many years, was havailable money. During my GF period, and because when I started it I was at zero, I was able to get my down payment. And now I have a constant expense. I will honour my commitment, and I will never gamble the money I need to pay every month. This is a major step for me, as I believe it is for most of us.

This is a top objective, that will help stay on track. That will make be a good professional, with a very clear goal.

This is the best debt I have ever had, and I want to be clear of it real soon. And the way I have to get debt free is to stay away from gambling.

Unfortunately, after signing the house, and today I did gamble (and I lost my mind sometimes), so I decided to be more incisive and take more actions to stay GF.

I am planning to go to a GA meeting (online), I am hearing a lot of podcast about our strugles.

I want to be a better human. I want to be free of stygma and I want to happy.

That's all I want, to be genuinely happy.

Keep strong

Day 3 GF

I was doing great... and now almost back to square one. With gambling hoovering my head every second.
This really sucks... It's like a dripping tap water, that I just can't get it fixed. and its always leaking... and leaking... and some times it just flows freely..

I could be very well in life (and I am in a way), but i manage to ruin everything all the time...

geez...