So I had a pretty disappointing day today. I went to get evaluated to qualify me for this support group I feel could really help me.
I went through the entire process and was accepted, or "qualified"...which I find weird to begin with. If I am here, it is for a reason. You think I get off by crashing support groups? Yeah, I hated going there to begin with. I had been hospitalized there once and vowed never to go back. It was an experience that I have blocked until today. So why would I want to spend my time there if not to get help?
I'm sure there's some legal reason or something, but it's irritating nonetheless.
What makes it even more aggravating is the fact that I go through the whole process, talk about emotional things I have never said to anyone and my evaluator says, "yes, you do qualify for this particular group. Let's go make sure there isn't a waiting list." W..T..F. Why are you interviewing people for this group if there is no room for them?!! The fact they were not clear about that possibility was devastating. I need this group. I feel the pull to be around people like me. But I can't.

I recently relapsed as my one post states. My fiance won't get near me, is afraid of me, is traumatized by what I've done and it is the worst feeling in the world. I just want him to hold me again. But... I can't force anything on him. How can I after what I put him through? I can only hope going to see my psych together tomorrow can help things. I am hoping that that will be a continuing thing as I think it could bring us closer than ever...... eventually.
I have mutilated myself beyond all belief this time after being clean for over 2 years. It was only supposed to be a surface wound, but instead, I landed myself in the ER with 20 something stitches. It was the scariest thing I have ever gone through.
More tomorrow after the psych appointment.

I am always here for anyone who wants/needs to talk. I am in school for child/teen psychology and strive to help teens overcome and deal with this addiction.

Vivre Bien,
Cait