What a day. I slept very little after last night shift, now back at work. It has been a rough day emotionally. I woke after 3 hours sleep and sent off an email to an old friend, she was my saviour during the early adult years; if not for her I am quite certain I would have met my maker a long time ago. The bipolar was the wedge that eventually pried us apart, we had been inseparable. I started crying as I wrote the email. I wanted her to know about the bipolar, more than anyone else I thought she deserved to know. It was nearly 15 years ago that we went our separate ways and I have only seen her a handful of times since, the last time 7 years ago. I told her she will always hold a very special place in my heart. I hope I don’t overwhelm her, again. It’s not my intention, just trying to claw back the best parts of life that I have lost to this disorder, her friendship at the top of that list.

In that vein I also sent an apology to one of my previous employers, I was working as a nurse in a remote Aboriginal community. I felt very much at home there, until this damn disorder took over. It was a manic episode that saw me jump in my car and drive for 3 days straight. Another burnt bridge. That reminds me of another such occasion, when I spontaneously drove from Perth to Sydney (approx. 4000km) in 3 days also. That was fully manic.

After sending those emails I still couldn’t sleep, feeling pretty low, so I smoked some weed; that helped, but it’s not a viable solution. My current employment has random drug testing. However, I have been dealing with this bipolar nature by myself for a long time now, I know when to worry about repercussions and when I need to throw caution to the wind. I can only hope by starting on Lithium I can finally put all this chaos behind me.

I’m listening to Pearl Jam, Yellow Ledbetter, classic. I relate to that band more than any other, listening to their music calms me.

Memory trigger…I’m trying to recall but memory is so hazy, I guess I can blame the bipolar for my dodgy memory now. All those sleepless nights, letting my overactive imagination run wild, followed by high energy positive days of feeling good but not being able to grab hold of any sense, and erratic behaviours, dragging my family along for the ride. I’m sure the kids love my mania, except when it turns grumpy. I know my partner is getting tired of it.

I went hard at exercising today…a long walk through the bush followed by a run and sprint intervals and then I hit the gym for the bike and rowing machines. Still full of energy. Still feeling a bit jittery, but it seems to be improving. Still not depressed…I have been convinced that depression makes up 90% of my life but that thinking may be changing, as I come to understand this disorder. It’s when I’m depressed that I dwell so much on the emptiness of life so that it feels like all of my life is consumed in this vacuum, when I’m manic I’m not dwelling at all and so don’t pay as much attention, I think…

I don’t spend much, if any, time between cycles. I guess that means rapid cycling, that’s what the doc said too. I need to sleep for night shift tonight but I’m still feeling wired after that workout.


11032016 @ 1830

I have started to feel a depression brewing. I’m not sure I’m used to such rapid cycling, I can only guess that it is the Lithium at work trying to find a balance. I feel like crying and finding a hole somewhere to bury myself away. I think I really need to learn how to let myself cry. I feel a negative aura around me, fortunately my colleagues know I am weird and they are likely used to me turning inwards. I am lucky enough to have my own office and if no patients present I can spend the whole shift alone. Like I said, I’m pretty sure my colleagues are used to me this way. I’ve been working up here on and off for nearly 3 years, it has been my most consistent employment – considering I average about 4 different jobs per year, most of which I leave because of my struggles with what I now know to be bipolar. Out of necessity I often leave without notice and have left a string of burnt bridges behind me, which upsets me because some were jobs that I really enjoyed.

I can’t even allow myself to feel excited about my newfound empowerment at the moment. I note my depression is marked by an even lower tolerance of interacting with people. It’s not a real depression yet though, I’m trying to push it away. In any case, one thing I have learned is to get by in the world when everything inside me is falling apart. It’s not pretty, it’s not sociable, but I get by. That has been my life.

I’ve been a little jittery all day again, it radiates from my heart. Thoughts remain hard to organise and simple tasks continue to seem complex. I’m thinking this is the hypomanic buildup, or maybe this is it, because I haven’t been as bored as usual at work, though nothing different has happened…as usual. And I haven’t felt depressed. Usually I will at least start a personal project that I won’t finish; now I don’t even have any interest in that. As usual I maintain my aversion to social interaction, mainly for the severely introverted aspect of becoming seriously emotionally drained by interacting with other people. It’s not fun losing interest in the middle of a conversation, all the time. And I can rarely organise my thoughts enough to carry a prolonged conversation, except when I’m depressed and have no interest in being around people.

I want to remember to ask the doc to do a dementia screen on me. I keep having little memory blanks, though I’m not sure if it’s the memory or ability to reason. And after all that I have done to my body over the years, not much would surprise me. And then I am having these moments of brilliant clarity and reason; I mean thoughts clearer than any I recall ever having. I wonder if the Lithium is kicking in yet.

I have an alter ego, living_the_phoenix, which is my username on an online mental health forum. This might be the best thing so far about having this disorder. It is a window into the minds of some remarkable people. And I get to share my own thoughts and experiences.

I am feeling the delusions. As usual my thoughts began to wander while I was having a shower, as usual a long hot shower, I was thinking of experiences past. As I dried myself my thoughts started about how everything was starting to come together and about the special place I hold in the Universe…we’re talking about delusional types of thinking here - self-importance, and as usual a path to assured success. There have been so many of those, all of which have failed the test of reason.

I want to ask the doc if he subscribes to Ayurvedic health principles, especially relating to Chakras. And it’s not because he looks Indian, but because I do think there is something for me to learn from it. If only I could keep my thoughts organised enough to learn.

I understand a little more today. I have been recalling episodes of true mania, especially when I was younger. That complete tsunami of energetic, positive emotion that blinds your senses and takes over from the ?reasoned being I was before it.

I recall these episodes alienated me as a teenager, I was certainly a misfit. With insight I convinced myself that I have managed to mostly subdue the mania by refusing to allow myself any emotion, especially positive ones (having the belief that these events were triggered by being happy). But that came after the years of polysubstance abuse.

I occasionally have true manic episodes, but they are relatively rare. Most of my highs I consider hypomanic, which equally presents on occasions as hypomania and agitation. Though my last true mania was about a month ago, when I had convinced myself I was gay and almost engaged in homosexual sex. I have never had homosexual thoughts or feelings previously or since.

That episode only added more strain to my relationship. It was a week and a half of high energy sexual intensity from which I was partially saved by being in a remote location for work. My racing thoughts, rapid speech and high energy was an experience for my colleagues, who are used to the eccentric types of people who work in remote locations. Fortunately I was able to get my hands on some weed; it dulls the intensity of my mind (while I'm stoned).

Meanwhile, today I started to wonder what "normal" will be like. If not manic or severely depressed I am generally nervous and extremely introverted (not reclusive, just introverted). For too long my grip on reality has seemed to me tenuous. Right now I have that all-too-familiar feeling of tearing open a doorway in space to a more real reality.

I wonder if I am heading for another mania, except I still feel so F!@#ing exhausted from the last one; I've not long come out of the depression after finally seeing a psychiatrist and starting on lithium. Yet at the moment I can't get a grip on my thoughts, I can't concentrate or keep my mind focused and simple problems are doing my head in because I can only see complexity. I feel like I'm shaking all over and I would guess my blood pressure to be very elevated (I will check tomorrow). I'm having trouble making eye contact and trouble communicating because I can't grab a hold of any thoughts. But I can seem to write ok.

I sent 2 emails to dad today. Previously I'd be lucky to speak to him twice a year. Both emails were lengthy, he can be very supportive and I worry because I found out he has cancer the same day I was diagnosed with Bipolar. He is a good man. Now I think I'm heading for a depression because I want to cry, but don't know how. I might go for a walk.