So, in the past week I've met two more, one of whom is familiar. I think I've felt her for a long time. She picked the name Silver/Quicksilver. She's human with long white-blonde hair and a very punk style. She is rather bubbly and very content. I pictured her reclining lazily in a big red chair while she talked.

With her was Renethywin (I'm going to write Ren for short, though she prefers to be called by her full name). I'm not sure Ren particularly likes me. She's elven, I think, and royal. Very haughty and confident. I can imagine her holding all of our self-worth, which is a feeling most of the people I've met so far are low on. Because of this, I like having her close, despite the fact she continually makes contemptuous remarks. I think its important to listen to her commentary, but also tell her when she's gone too far with it.

This morning I tried to see/create an inner world, just out of curiosity. At first I thought I was creating my own "space," but in reflection I think I was making a younger alter's area. It's a forest with a very tall, steep hill in the center and a lake just over the hill. A wide dirt path leads up to the hill, on top of which is a fenced off 'room.' The room has no walls or roof, but it does have a big cabinet-thing with a bed inside and a fireplace. This is a safe place, and the part that lives there really likes it. She's afraid of being watched, so sleeping in an enclosed space is very comforting.

The leaves are in autumn colors right now, so the place is very orange, but very pretty. As we were exploring, we found a little clearing with a bow and sword, targets, and a bench. I was happy about this, thinking it would be good for when Fighter came to visit. Right on cue, I heard a "Hello?" From the main path. I responded, and Fighter appeared...but it wasn't Fighter. She looked just like I imagine Fighter to look, but she was too smiley and charming. I only realized this after we'd left her in the clearing with the weapons. I had the trees destroy the weapons, but now this part is hunting the younger alter in her own little world. We ran around a bit in the forests on the opposite side of the main path and found a fairy ring in a patch of green trees, but the other alter was worried and so we ran back to her safe place.

I felt like I was wrecking this pretty place I'd found, so I 'created' a pack of wolves, which guarded the other alter. She still feels watched, but now she knows the hunting part can't hurt her. We went to explore the lake. It's icy cold, but when you swim to the bottom gravity is reversed and you can swim through a tunnel into a warm ocean. I think there are mermaids there, but it was foggy and unclear.

So, to sum it all up, I've got an alter–-I seem to hear that she's very old physically but with a childlike wonder-–who lives in a big orange forest with a pack of wolves. Also in that forest is a shapeshifting, charming, sick-feeling part that for whatever reason wants to catch the other alter.

(just journaling here, feel free to ignore)

Definitely feeling something atypical, but for some reason I want to use the word 'other'. Still don't know if I'm making all of this up...sigh. Anyway, I sort of sense a child part? Ellie and Emily feel right as names. I can't really hear anything, but I'm getting waves of emotional 'responses' when I think about painting or running or squirrels (wth?).

Also, maybe a very angry/depressive sensation from somewhere else, and maybe something very sad and lost. All of these feel like my own emotions, but I also feel very calm and unaffected as well. This sort of dual emotion for me is pretty common...but then that could either mean i'm giving it names it doesn't have or that I'm only just realizing it might have a name. Hrmph.

Had a scary moment when I think I lost time. Now I remember it, but for a good half hour I had no idea what was going on. I had a homework assignment (handed out Tuesday, due today) that I had no memory of receiving. I kept staring at the homework board thinking, "what is Fuille du travailler? Travailler is working, so...is that a fancy phrase for no homework, or do we have something?" I just couldn't remember ever getting an assignment.
Today a friend came up to me and asked if I had done the work, and I just stared blankly at her. Homework, what homework? I do this a lot, but normally I remember once reminded. I just couldn't today.
Turns out no one in our tiny class did it, so the teacher extended the date. Once I had the paper in my hand, I had a sort of epiphany where I suddenly remembered receiving it...but I cannot remember the verbal explanation that accompanied the packet. And I can't remember what the lesson was that day either, though I remember being there. Its bizarre.

Mentioned this to my mother, despite not really wanting to. I hate talking to her, she blames herself for all the depression and ED things. Of course her advise was to do a grounding mini-meditation...or "well, if you really want to, if you think you've got some sort of dissociative thing, then I guess you should call the therapist, huh?" with a tone that made it clear if I took that option I'd be overreacting. So of course I said "of course not!" Whoops. She does pay for the appointments, so she certainly has a right to say whatever she wants. They are expensive, at $80 an hour. At least, that's expensive to me.

I'm just going to put this here so I have it written down where I won't accidentally pull it up when someone's looking over my shoulder. So please ignore! It won't make sense anyway.

*Fang and White Fang as a child (under 11) imaginary friends, outside, WF female healer, sometimes daughter of F. F male warrior, comrade, trainer, helper, hero.

*Mar: full name marcus, male, started around 12-13. Angel/fallen angel. was very attached to him, spent all day with him, including school days. lover and friend. Was very aware of him as an invisible person, sensing his proximity, though never physically saw him. lasted for the longest, maybe a year.

*Mar came with a rebel vamp girl, can't remember the name. Ellie, maybe? His sister, my best friend. Would cheer me up and encourage me. Sassy as hell

*Winstin: i would go between him and mar. Bad boy, vamp, unapproved of. bratty and sometimes cruel, but not to me.

*winged boy: had a name, i can't remember. Black wings, long black hair. Could almost feel his touch. Felt as if I'd never need a real boyfriend (i was lonely, okay?) because I had him. Made me feel loved, warm, and beautiful. Started sophomore year. Also came with an artist boy Sali (white wings) who was a marvellous inspiration.