I've newly discovered BPD while obsessively researching my symptoms (again) and am 99% sure I have it. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder which I knew almost immediately wasn't true, the doc spent 10 minutes with me and diagnosed me based on a questionnaire he had me fill out. I took the meds he gave me and they made me experience my first manic episode, another clue I didn't suffer from bipolar disorder. I don't take any meds now and I feel better and more in control without them. I have also been diagnosed with depression even though I was telling the doctor as I described my symptoms that I wasn't sad or in a fog, etc. I have a tendency to dwell(obsess) on things and replay moments over and over in my head so I'm fairly sure I also have some OCD tendencies. I have always had social anxiety too, it comes and goes depending on the situation. Anyway so back to why I feel I have BPD, I have always felt empty and I have always felt like I don't know who I am or how I feel. I change my mind depending on who I'm talking to and I don't know how to act because I am so influenced by other people. Usually once i get to know someone, I know who I am to them so I know how I should act. It's hard to explain. I often forget what I've said in past conversations or how I've acted. For example I will have a good day and feel very outgoing and make people laugh, feel very chummy with everyone, then walk in the next day feeling very shy and nervous and not know how to be. I've been with my husband 12 years and we still go through this. We have weeks of intense closeness, followed by distance which leads to panic on my part bc I fear he is abandoning me. I am extremely jealous even though there hasn't been any reason to be in a very long time. I can't trust a lot of people. As soon as someone shows me a weakness I go from idolizing them to despising them or feeling fooled by them. I feel like i could write a long boring book about all of my issues. I have mother issues. My mom was and is a drug addict alcoholic my entire life, in and out of jail and rehab many times for long periods of time. Now she lives with me and my husband and two kids which is terrifying to me, what was I thinking?!!! She's been sober now for 2 years but we have issues. I'm finding as time goes on I don't really want to reconcile with her, I just want distance from her. That makes me feel guilty, but I don't feel love for her. My dad has never been around, very dysfunctional relationship there. When I confronted him on it as an adult he said he never wanted me around because he feared I would end up just like my mom. Very rational thinking from a parent. I need therapy, I know. This might sound comical but i don't want to go to therapy for fear that my husband will abandon me if he finds out how messed up I am. I mean he knows a little, but I can't tell him if I get an official diagnosis. He comes from such a sugary cookie cutter world, he won't understand. I have kids, two of them. I'm an excellent mom, other than being temperamental. But they are well taken care of. I am everything to them that I never had. I try to give them everything. I do think that I have an unhealthy amount of separation anxiety for them. I hate being away from them. I want to be with them all the time but once I am I'm not all that involved with them. I just need the comfort of them being near I guess, then I want to go cook or read or just zone out lol. My main reason for seeking treatment is that I know i need to do better with them. And because I have zero social life due to my inability to hold adult relationships. I always find things i don't like about people or their kids and then I'm secretly relieved that I don't have to spend time with them anymore. Then I realize I'm completely alone. I have a few friends that kind of get me and allow me to storm in and trickle out of their life as I please. Pretty amazing of them actually. I feel like this is too long. I am desperate for feed...

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